The Place That Is No More

And having finished the sporking, it 's time to dissect the corpse.  So what, in particular, makes this story so terrible?

Kids Will Be Adults

While it's one thing to have the KND possess a certain level of technology past what the adults of the world possess (after all, canon has them with ridiculously advanced tech to begin with), Brian goes a little far beyond the pale.

The KND now have attack satellites, artificial intelligence, armored vehicles beyond military grade, and other such advancements that the adult world is still years away from accomplishing.  They also have their own styles of armed combat, as good as or better than any adult martial arts.

And they refuse to share any of these with the adult world.

But aside from the canon-pushing technology, the KND members also have adult opinions.  It's downright hilarious to see Numbah One spouting off furious rants about make-up or other "adult vices" when canon shows they don't even know what kissing is.  The last chapter shows a "thinking space", a concept kids don't really know of.

Throughout the sporking, I pointed out numerous points where the characters don't speak like any children I've ever met.  The occurances are too numerous to count.

Brian Corvello cannot write children.  We'll see this in his future work.

This Ain't No Kid's Show, Except When It Is

One of the worst points in the story comes when Numbah One declares that the KND have killed some of those who have fled from decommissioning.  I already ranted about the sheer insanity of that concept, so I'll spare you the rehash.

Now, I have absolutely no issues with making a kid's show darker in fanfic.  Hell, for a long time I considered a possible KND darkfic myself.  But if you're going to do it, you have to be consistent, and this fic fails to do so on many levels.

The story reels back and forth from being childlike (the first chapters) to trying to be mature.  Numerous times, Brian desperately tries to convince the audience that the heroes's very lives are at stake... in a story where at other times, it's mustard guns versus candy cannons.  It just doesn't work.

Be Awesomed By My OCs

Lotus and Snowball come very close to destroying the entire story by themselves.

Lotus is a former star of the KND, responsible for leading one of its greatest operations, who was offered placement in a super-secret program for KND agents who can keep the big secret into adolesence.  She trained several of the most powerful canon characters, invented a powerful style of swordfighting, wields a power sword, and is described in extrodinarily stereotypical "samurai girl" fashion.

Snowball is a mutated cat who was once the most beloved pet of Professor Utonium.  She possesses great speed, strength, agility, and stamina, and can see in the dark even though real cats cannot.  Throughout her life since her mutation, she has sabotaged numerous plans of the PPG's enemies and driven off countless assassins sent after them.

Both of them would flunk hard if put through any Mary Sue test, and carry the majority of the story on their shoulders, to the detriment of the canon characters.

Is The Dramatic Fight Scene Over Yet?

Brian Corvello cannot write a fight scene.  Every time he tries, it boils down to a handful of sentences that describe next to nothing.

What's more, every fight is the same - the heroes get some early hits, the monster/villain dominates, the heroes pull some incredibly powerful weapon out of their asses and triumph.  His duels are the same way in his YGO stories.

Final Assessment: This was an early story of Brian Corvello's, and you can already see where his weaknesses lie.  And they only grew worse with time.

With this one finally closed, the question rises of what to do next.

Time to go rouse Blade... I think it's time to d-d-d-d-duel.

(The Man Called True, the Emperor, and Golbez are all seated, with beverages of varying alcoholic content at the ready.)

MCT: Two chapters left, guys. Let’s hit it.

Emperor: I suppose our reprieve was too good to last… Conjuring fanfic.

This is probably dirty pool, but I’ll do it anyway. On a bulletin board called Pokemasters, Brian Corvello used to submit articles for its now-defunct fanfiction e-zine. Today, we’re going to see how one of them holds up when you put his own writing against it.

(Full disclosure: I used to write for the same e-zine.)