Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter Eight

[mancalledtrue]

Well, this is my third try sporking this chapter.  Let's hope for the best.  And happy birthday, zelda_queen!

Title: "Rage Against The Machines".  Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

The four friends walked into the restaurant, to the sound of jukebox music and delicious smells. The place was decorated with a retro-sixties motif. A sign next to the door said "Please seat yourself."

"Well," said Yugi. "I must admit, even if Anastasia is up to something sinister, she sure knows how to throw a great tournament!"

Why?  Because she can put up a kitschy retro-'60s joint in her major tournament?

The group took seats at a booth where menus were already placed. Yugi saw out of the corner of his eye that two other customers were at the other side of the room, but he didn't take any notice of them.

They were calling each other sickeningly sweet pet names and had guns in their waistbands.

Then a bell sounded, and waitress dressed in a pink dress with blonde hair and a ponytail came out of the kitchen, carrying a plate full of cheese fries. She strode over to their table.

"How ya doin' y'all?" she said in a sweet voice. "I'm Jackie, and these are compliments of the house, our host's gift to all visitors!" She set the plate down.

Sounds like the dress has blonde hair and a ponytail.

I've eaten in many bar-and-grills, and I've never found one that gives out complimentary cheese fries.

"Our 'host'?" said Yugi.

"That would be Miss Pegasus," said Jackie with a smile. "She wants to make sure all the tournament guests are happy."

Well, free cheese fries is a good start...

She pulled out a pen and an order pad. "So, what can I be gettin' you all?"

"Everything looks so good," said Peter, looking at the menu. "I'll have the bacon double cheeseburger, well done."

"I'll have the buffalo wings," said Mary. "The extra large platter."

"Hmm," said Clive. "I'll have the baby-back ribs."

"Swell," said Jackie, writing it down. She turned to Yugi. "And what about you, hon?"

"Hmm," said Yugi, looking it over. "Well, what would you suggest?"

"Well, we don't like to brag," said Jackie, "but everyone who's tried it says that the turkey club is the best they've ever had."

Does nobody in this story have anything resembling a sense of adventure?  This is the same crap you could get in any restaurant anywhere on the planet.

...Although I have to admit that, in my experience with B&Gs, I've never run into a bad turkey club.

"Okay, I'll take your word for it."

"Can I get you some drinks before it's all ready?" she said.

"Four diet colas," said Yugi.

Dude, the caloritic content of your meals is approaching an Epic Meal Time.  Don't lie to yourselves.  Just order the regular cola.

Jackie took their menus and left with a large smile.

"Man, these cheese fries are to DIE for!" said Mary.

Cue a Joker Smile.

"I dunno," said Yugi. "Anastasia may be lulling us into a false sense of security."

For the love of God, Yugi, must EVERYTHING be a conspiracy to you?!?

"Oh c'mon, Yugi," said Clive. "Let's just have dinner and relax for an hour or so. Forget about Anastasia."

Clive: the voice of reason.

With that statement, one of the customers across the room perked up. Yugi saw him and his companion leave their table out of the corner of his eye.

"Don't look now," he whispered, "but a couple of people seem to have taken an interest in us…"

"Prepare to insult them in five, four..."

The two of them were now ten feet away from them; Yugi turned his head slightly. It was a man and a woman, both about twenty years old. The woman was a well-endowed girl with dyed pink hair, a blue halter-top, miniskirt and sandals. The man stood out even more.

He was wearing jeans and a leather, sleeveless jacket with no shirt underneath. His long, black hair was held up in a bandana. He had tattoos all over his body depicting very violent and/or gruesome pictures, and he wore several piercings and gold chains.

Don't you love it when Brian tries to make it obvious we aren't supposed to like somebody?  This guy might as well have "EVIL" tattooed on his forehead.

And his girlfriend's a classic as well.  Love how "well-endowed" is the first thing we get about her - remember, kids, sexuality is evil.  (That she dresses like trailer trash is secondary.)

"May I help you sir?" said Yugi. Then under his breath he added, "I use the term loosely…"

Villain insults hero: villain is scum.  Hero insults villain: hero is right.

"Yeah!" said the punk, slamming his hand down on their table. "Did you happen to say that your name was 'Yugi'?"

"No, he said it," said Yugi, pointing to Clive.

As he stared daggers at his friend.

"Whatever," said the punk. "As in Yugi Muto Jr., son of the great Yugi Muto Sr.?"

"Yes I am, and you are?"

"My name is Rob Acero," he said. "But you can call me by my street name – 'Monkey Wrench' Acero."

I don't wanna be your monkey wrench.

"Never heard of you," said Yugi.

"You should have," said the punk with a grin (which was disturbing, as some of his teeth were missing and he had bad breath).

Just in case you didn't get the memo enough that we're supposed to hate him.

"Everyone in L.A. knows that Monkey Wrench is the meanest biker in town; and everyone in California knows that he's the greatest duelist on the West Coast!"

The Pagans would eat this guy alive.

"I find that difficult to believe," said Yugi. He looked at the punk's arm. "You only have two Jewels."

Jackie came to the table and set their drinks down. She gave Monkey Wrench and his companion a dirty look.

Nevermind that wait staff are supposed to be considerate to their customers - Jackie being a bitch to paying clientele is a sign she's a good person here.

Monkey Wrench makes the obvious point that since everything thinks Yugi's the best, whoever beats him will be the new "best".

"I'll pass," said Yugi. "Now please go away… I find your odor quite offensive."

The punk drew back. Yugi's three friends giggled.

Passive-aggressive jackassery.  Just another sign of heroism in this story.

"Know what?" said Monkey Wrench. "I think you're afraid to duel me. Is that it?"

Yugi ignored him. He reached for his soda. But before he could pick it up, the biker grabbed it.

"Is this what you wanted?" he said. He spat in the glass and put it back on the table.

This is the first genuinely rude act that Monkey Wrench has done thus far.  He may be full of himself, but he wasn't a dick until now.  Yugi acts like the guy came up and raped his dog in front of him.

Yugi looked him in the eye for the first time. "Okay, my nappy friend, I'll duel you," he said.

Who the fuck uses the word "nappy"?

"There's a station right outside this restaurant. But could you at least let me and my friends finish our meal first?"

"I've got nowhere to go," said Monkey Wrench. "C'mon Dolores, lets wait for them outside."

"You're really going to duel that jerk?" asked Mary.

"Yeah," said Yugi. "I think he needs to be taught a lesson. Jackie! Can I get a refill here?"

And being demanding of the waitstaff tops off Yugi being just as bad as Monkey Wrench.  Cripes, at least the biker is willing to wait out their meal before they duel.

SCENE CHANGE:

The food was delicious, even if the encounter had soured it a little. After there was nothing left but greasy plates, Yugi walked outside, followed by his friends.

Then the familiar voice came to him in his head.

"Your mother is a big pig..."

"Yugi," said the Spirit. "Listen to me. I believe your foe may be more formidable than he seems."

In this story?  Fat chance.

"What do you mean?" asked Yugi.

"I can't place it; I've never seen him before, but I sense something very familiar in his psyche. It is as if he had some sort of… mental link to a dangerous individual from the past."

"Define 'mental link'."

"It costs twenty Build Points and allows two-way messages between two player characters."

"Well, it's as if he knows someone who knew someone whom your father encountered before. The link is faint, and I can't exactly trace who the original individual is… but I can tell it is a dangerous one. And that may mean that this 'Monkey Wrench' character is himself more formidable than he appears."

Admirable.  Brian's trying to justify his rip-off.

"Fine," said Yugi. "We'll take him on together, and perhaps we'll see."

The two of them merged, and the transformation overtook him.

He then regretted forgetting his Gas-X.

He walked up to the dueling station, where Monkey Wrench was already waiting. His girlfriend was sitting on a tree stump behind him.

As Yugi's friends sat down beside the station, Jackie walked up and sat down beside them.

"I hope you don't mind," she said, "I just like to watch."

"No trouble," said Mary. Her eyes narrowed. "Just don't be taking any notes or anything."

Are these people suspicious of everyone and everything in a twelve-mile radius or what?

"Okay, 'Monkey Wrench'," said Yugi. "How many Jewels are you going to wager?"

"I've got two," said Monkey Wrench. "And when this is over, I'm going to have double!"

"That's at least two Jewels!"

This guy is either very brave or very stupid, thought Yugi.

"Probably both."

Monkey Wrench gives Yugi the first turn, and they start:

"Okay, Monkey Wrench," said Yugi. "Let's get things started. I play a card face down, and I summon the Celtic Guardian, in Attack Mode!"

He put down the two cards, and the green-armored Warrior appeared with his sword drawn. (1,400/1,200)

A giant censorship box covered it.

"You think that pansy scares me?" said Monkey Wrench. "I play Giganto, also in Attack Mode!" He placed the card down, and the Machine resembling an inverted axe with two spiked maces for arms appeared, (1,700/1,800)

Not as cool as Gigantor.

"Quite a neat little toy, isn't it?" said Monkey Wrench. "But I won't attack just yet… I'll let you sweat it a little."

"I've gotten better toys out of boxes of Crackerjacks," said Yugi.

That's a feat, given they don't give toys in Crackerjack boxes anymore.  It's all stickers and tattoos these days.

"Is that your move?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

Let me sweat, thought Yugi. You won't admit it, but the reason you won't attack is because you're scared of my facedown. Well sorry to disappoint you, Wrench.

Thinking it instead of saying it doesn't make the cliche any less cliche.

"Then I take this card and play it," said Yugi. He picked up his facedown card. "The Sword of Deep Seated!"

As he flipped the card, the dark, glowing sword appeared in the air. The Guardian sheathed his own sword and grabbed it. His stats went up to 1,900 over 1,700!

Huh.  He got the dual-stat-raising right for once.

"What?" said Monkey Wrench.

"Now," said Yugi. "Celtic Guardian, destroy that Machine!" The Guardian charged and brought the sword down on the Giganto; it exploded into bits! Monkey Wrench's Life Points fell to 1,800.

"Yay, Yugi!" yelled Mary.

"That's my move," said Yugi. "I hope that Machine wasn't your best."

We're one turn in.  How in Christ's name could that machine be his best?

"Oh, don't worry," said Monkey Wrench, drawing. "I've got much better stuff in my deck than THAT piece of junk."

"First it was a 'neat little toy,' and now it's a 'piece of junk'?" said Yugi.

Everyone's done mental reverses like that before, Yugi.

"Whatever it was, here's something better!" said Monkey Wrench. "I'm going to disarm your guardian using the Heavy Storm card!"

He placed down the Spell Card, and a whirlwind erupted on the field! The Sword of Deep-Seated flew from the Celtic Guardian's grasp!

And impaled a pedestrian.

His stats fell back to 1,400 over 1,200

"And now," he said, "I summon the Launcher Spider, in Attack Mode!"

He lay the card down, and a giant mechanical spider with missile launchers on its back appeared! (2,200/2,500)

At that point, flashing arrows marked "SHOOT HERE" pointed to the bottom of the launchers.

"Launcher Spider, shock rocket attack!" commanded Monkey Wrench. The Spider fired its missiles and incinerated the Celtic Guardian in a deafening explosion! Yugi's Life Points dove to 1,200.

"Ooh, that was super, Wrench!" said Dolores.

No, the Super Wrench is in a different game entirely.

Holy… thought Yugi. That was pretty good strategy.

Wasting a Heavy Storm on a single card two turns in?  That's about as much good strategy as my usual chess game!

"As you can see," said Monkey Wrench with a grin, "this is one Machine that does NOT obey Asimov's Three Rules of Robots."

"That's a pretty big literary reference for someone who likely has to label his shoes 'left' and 'right'!" said Yugi. "Is that all for your move?"

"Yeah," said Monkey Wrench. "Do your worst!"

"Three Rules of…" said Mary. "What are they talking about?"

"Beat's me," said Clive. "But Yugi might be in trouble if this keeps up the way it has."

No.  Back up.  Reverse.  I refuse to believe a biker who has gotten marked over and over again as being a complete idiot knows Isaac Asimov and a bunch of kids extolled for their wit and sense don't!  Not in this future!  Not in ANY future!  FUCK THAT SHIT!

Yugi lay a card down. "I summon the Giant Soldier of Stone, in Attack Mode!" he said. The enormous rock warrior appeared and drew his stone sword. (1,300/2,000)

"And I'll also play a card facedown," he said, placing a card down. "That ends my move."

"Oh, I see what you're trying to do," said Monkey Wrench. "You want me to believe that's a Trap Card so I won't attack you, so that next turn you can use that card to Equip something else. Well it won't work! Launcher Spider, shock rocket attack!"

The Spider fired its rockets, but before they reached the Giant Soldier, they turned around and sped back towards the Spider! The Machine was blown apart in a huge explosion! Monkey Wrench gasped. His Life Points fell to 1,250

"Actually, it WAS a Trap Card," said Yugi. "Mirror Force to be exact."

NO!  I refuse to buy that a biker who could fall for that is the only one in this group who knows Isaac Asimov!  The Good Doctor will NEVER be that obscure!  DO YOU HEAR ME?

"Okay, wise guy," said Monkey Wrench. "I'll play this card facedown, and then I'll play another card facedown. And now I'll summon the Patrol Robo in Attack Mode!"

He set down the cards, and a three-legged robot with an axe for one hand and a drill for the other appeared. (1,100/900)

It makes getting coffee awkward.

"That's all for me this turn," he said. "And you won't defeat this one. Whether they are flesh, stone, or plant, no Monster can stand up to the raw power of cold, relentless steel!"

"Yes, I noticed that you seem to like Machines," said Yugi. "Now I know who you remind me of! My father spoke of him a lot – that scoundrel who called himself Bandit Keith."

...Scoundrel?  A teenager who's supposedly raised in 2030s Japan just used the word "scoundrel"?  Yet more evidence that Brian Corvello was never young.

Monkey Wrench's expression turned fierce. "Scoundrel?" he said. "Scoundrel?"

"Oh, have I hit a nerve?" said Yugi.

"Bandit Keith was no scoundrel," said Monkey Wrench. "He was the greatest duelist who ever lived!"

"THAT is certainly questionable," said Yugi. "Why the devotion?"

"Bandit Keith was my father's mentor," said the punk. "He and I worshiped him. He was a guy who knew the best strategies and the best methods, and knew how to win no matter what the odds!"

Yugi sighed. "I hate to disillusion you, pal," he said, "but Keith was none of those things. He was an egotist, a thief, and worst of all, a cheater. Face reality; men like that aren't fit to duel… the Heart of the Cards can never reach them."

Bandit Keith wasn't a very nice person, to understate things.  He did have an ego, and he did cheat like a bastard.  But... He was a champion (US Champion in the original, "Intercontinental" Champion in the What-country-are-we-in? dub).  He won several tournaments and had quite a considerable amount of actual skill.  While his methods are questionable and his character is dubious, his skill is real.

Brian seems to have forgotten this in his rush to tear apart a character he despises.  He'll do this again in the future as well.

"Heart of the Cards?" said Monkey Wrench. "And you're telling me to face reality? I have no time for fairy tales! Now are you going to move, or are we going to talk all day?"

Death warrant signed.

"Fine," said Yugi. "I will simply play the Summoned Skull in Defense Mode." He placed the card down, and the Fiend appeared. It kneeled, in defensive position. (2,500/1,200)

"That will be all for me," said Yugi.

"Fine," said Monkey Wrench. "I'll now take this facedown card and use it – the Graverobber!"

Yugi's eyes opened wide.

It's rare you see a card committing necrophilia.

The Graverobber chuckled, and produced a card…

"My Sword of Deep-Seated!" said Yugi.

"Correction," said Monkey Wrench. "MY Sword of Deep-Seated now! And I'll Equip it to my Patrol Robo!"

He put the card down, and the Patrol Robo's axe transformed into a sword. Its stats went up to 1,600 over 1,400.

"Now, Patrol Robo, use robo-drill on the Giant Soldier!" commanded Monkey Wrench. The Robo's drill powered up, and it stabbed the Giant Soldier of Stone; it crumbled into rubble. Yugi's Life Points fell to 900.

Given the way these people talk, I'm amazed they aren't bitching at him for "stealing" Yugi's card.

"That's all for my move," said Monkey Wrench with a vile grin. "What pathetic move are you going to make now?"

"Well, he certainly has Bandit Keith's attitude," said Mary. "My dad had nothing but disdain for that guy."

Mary, is there anyone Joey liked by your account?

Yugi was getting frustrated. "I switch the Summoned Skull to Attack Mode!" he said. The Skull stood up straight. "Summoned Skull, lightning strike attack!"

The Skull fired its lightning bolts at the Patrol Robo, but they stopped in mid air! They turned around, and hit the Summoned Skull! With a roar, the Fiend was incinerated!

"See Yugi?" said Monkey Wrench, lifting up his other facedown card. "I've got a Mirror Force too!"

Now do us all a favor and flip him off!

Yugi's Life points dropped to 275.

"Yugi's in trouble guys!" said Mary.

"Don't worry," said Peter. "He'll pull something out of his hat… I hope."

Trivia: Harry Blackstone Sr. was the first magician to perform the "rabbit from a hat" trick.

I can't let this jerk beat me, thought Yugi. I have to stall and hope for the best.

"I'll lay this card facedown," he said. "And I'll play the Beaver Warrior, in Defense Mode."

He lay the card down; the Beaver Warrior appeared, sheathed his sword and raised his shield. (1,200/1,500)

It cowered and wet itself.

"That will end my turn," he said.

"And this will end the match!" said Monkey Wrench. "I summon the Space Megatron in Attack Mode!" He laid the card down, and the blue, white, and red spaceship appeared hovering over the grid. (1,400/2,000)

A Google search shows me nothing whatsoever named Space Megatron in the real game... but several video game sprites of a card by the name.  So that helps explain where Brian gets some of his bullshit rules.

"Scared Yugi?" he said with an evil smile. "A blow from my Patrol Robo will destroy that rodent, and then a blast from my Space Megatron will blow you into oblivion!"

"Oh no!" yelled Mary.

"Patrol Robo!" yelled Monkey Wrench, "turn that Beaver into shish-kebab!"

The Robo powered up its drill… it thrust it at the Beaver Warrior…

And an invisible field blocked the attack!

"What?" said Monkey Wrench.

"You were so drunk with a potential victory at hand," said Yugi, "that you forgot I had a facedown card, which happened to be Negate Attack. Now your Robo's attack is wasted, and your Battle Phase ends!"

Once they start going on about their victory, you can see this coming.  Brian never had a clue what tension was, save maybe as something other people did.

Monkey Wrench growled. "Fine, your move," he said.

"Don't throw a fit." said Yugi, sarcastically.

"I won't," said Monkey Wrench. "So move already! I'll get that rodent next turn!"

I'm already bored and we're still pretty far from the end.  So let's sum up until we get to the interesting bits.  Yugi uses Gift of the Mystical Elf, Monster Reborns Skull Servant, and kills Space Megatron.  Monkey Wrench uses Red Medicine, sets a card, and sets a defensive monster.  Yugi attacks and is Negate Attacked.  And then...

Monkey Wrench drew. "And now, for my moment of triumph!" he proclaimed. "First, I'll lay one card facedown. Now, I summon forth… the Skull Servant, in Attack Mode!" He placed the card down, and a skeleton with a purple robe appeared. (300/200)

"'Moment of triumph'?" said Yugi, puzzled. "A Kuriboh could beat that thing! And it's no Machine."

And we're still several years from King of the Skull Servants.

"It is only part of my master strategy," said Monkey Wrench. "And this is no Machine either. I command my hidden Monster to emerge – show yourself, Cockroach Knight!"

A humanoid bug in armor carrying a sword leapt up from the square. (800/900)

The question was answered when Dolores armed a nuclear bomb.

"What do you intend to do with those weaklings?" said Yugi with a puzzled look.

"I'll show you," said Monkey Wrench. "I plan to use THIS!" He thrust forward a strange card. It depicted a shadowy figure mounted on… something, holding a flag in a blasted wasteland.

"What the…?" said Yugi.

"It's a Ritual Card," said Monkey Wrench. "It is called Revival of Dokurorider!"

Something I've always wondered about... Why does Dokurorider have to be revived?

"Revival of Dokurorider?" said Clive in a low tone. "What does that do?"

"I've heard it mentioned once or twice," said Mary. "But I've never seen it. I doubt it's good news for Yugi…"

Monkey Wrench placed it down. "Let me show you how it works," he said. "I offer as sacrifice one Zombie, my Skull Servant, one Insect, my Cockroach Knight, and one Machine, which would be my Patrol Robo!"

No, no, and no.  It does not require an Insect and Machine.  The Zombie that triggers it by DDS/Duelist Kingdom ritual rules is Temple of Skulls, not Skull Servant.  If it actually did follow those rules, it would be utterly unplayable.

The three Monsters lined up, and lightning struck them, followed by a shadowy bolt. They vanished, and something that sounded like… the starting up of a noisy motorcycle started to sound. A cloud of black smoke started to form on the grid.

"The offering has been accepted," said Monkey Wrench. "The gates of the netherworld have opened. And now, may I present, every biker's favorite fiend, the monstrous motorist, the true Hell on wheels, the mighty Dokurorider!"

The motor sounds increased, and a cyclist sped out of the cloud, skidding to a halt on Monkey Wrench's side of the grid. The cyclist was a huge, muscular Zombie wearing a horned helmet, and his motorcycle had a demonic skull on its front, spikes on the wheels, and blades all over! He was carrying a long chain. (1,900/1,850)

"But wait!" said Monkey Wrench. "This is no ordinary demonic biker! His evil presence is such a blight on the very land, that he turns the very terrain into a blasted Wasteland!"

It was true. The floor of the grid began to change, transforming into a cracked, rocky, Wasteland terrain.

"And, because Dokurorider is a Zombie, being in his own Wasteland powers up his stats!"

And the stats under him went up, to 2,100 over 1,950.

Before we get into the monster...  Why in the name of Sonny Barger is a badass California biker talking like fucking Bonz?

I won't even go into the stats here.  Suffice to say that Monkey Wrench has just played four cards to summon a monster weaker than the Launcher Spider he summoned at the start of this duel, even with the Wasteland powering it up.  A Wasteland that it cannot create in the real game.  And which should have given it an extra 100 points to its Defense.

And that sounds like a really painful motorcycle to ride.

"Woo-hoo!" yelled Dolores. "Go Wrench! Go Dokurorider!"

"But wait, there's more!" said Monkey Wrench. "I'll make him even more powerful yet, by using this Equip card… the Violet Crystal!"

He put the card down, and a cluster of purple gemstones appeared, they implanted themselves in Dokurorider's chest.

"Their magical powers over the undead bring his score all the way up to 2,400 over 2,250!" he said.

That should be a semicolon after the "appeared".  Also, makes it sound like Dokurorider has crystal cancer.

"Man, this will make some great pictures…" said Peter, who had been snapping shots of the whole scene.

"Some Monster, huh?" said Monkey Wrench. "Now make your move, if you dare!"

Yugi looked the Zombie in the eye.

The Zombie stuck its tongue out.

That thing looks dangerous, he thought. But my Summoned Skull can take it...

"Summoned Skull, Attack!" he yelled.

The Skull started to attack, but before it could, it was bound by a shimmering circle!

"Ha!" said Monkey Wrench. "In my performance, you forgot all about my facedown card, which happens to be the Spellbinding Circle!"

The greatest duelist of his generation, ladies and gentlemen.

"Oh crud," said Yugi. The Skulls stats went down, to 1,800 over 1,200.

"Ha, ha!" said Monkey Wrench. "I have rendered your Skull paralyzed, helpless, defenseless, vulnerable…"

"Are you going to stop, or should I get you a thesaurus?" said Yugi, angrily.

You just be mad 'cause he be styling on you.

"Any other move you'd like to make?" gloated Monkey Wrench.

"Only this," said Yugi. "I use the Hinotama!"

He slapped the card down, and flames erupted on Monkey Wrench's side. He yelled, and his Life Points fell to 150

Why do they keep using that card in this story?

"Tricky," said Monkey Wrench. "But I'll have the last laugh. Dokurorider, flaming chain attack!" The undead biker swung its chain, it blazed with fire, and it struck the Summoned Skull, who was blown to bits. Yugi's life points fell to 675.

"So," said Monkey Wrench. "That's my move. You going to give up or do you want me to humiliate you some more?"

"It isn't over yet," said Yugi. My Dark Magician could take out that thing too, he thought, but first I have to draw it. I'll just have to stall, play on his ego.

"I summon the Axe Raider, in Defense Mode," he said. He played the Monster, and it appeared (1,700/1,150)

"And that is my move," he said.

"You know," said Monkey Wrench, "I really don't have to destroy that thing… I mean, it can't threaten Dokurorider… but I think I will anyway, 'cause it's fun! Dokurorider, flaming chain attack!"

The Zombie swung his chain and incinerated the Axe Raider. "Man, I was right," said the punk. "That WAS fun! Your move!"

"Flaming chain".  So many possibilities for the Dokurorider's attack, and Brian went with the single lamest, most boring of the lot.  That says a lot about him.

Yugi went to draw. Come on Dark Magician, he thought.

He drew… and he smiled.

This may not be the Dark Magician, he thought, but this is MUCH better. Let's see how this blowhard likes a taste of his own bad tasting medicine!

So his love is like bad medicine?

"You like Machines so much, Monkey Wrench?" said Yugi. "Here's a Machine for you. I summon, in attack mode, the mighty Machine King! Courtesy of the Mad Hatter."

He placed the card down, and the giant robot behemoth appeared on the grid. Its eyes burned with flames, and electric energy surrounded it! (2,200/2,000)

"Well, that's quite a Machine," said Monkey Wrench, snidely. "But even he can't beat Dokurorider!"

"For shame, Monkey Wrench!" said Yugi. "You like Machine Monsters so much… you should know that Wasteland terrains, like the one that your Dokurorider is creating, not only give a Field Power Bonus to Zombies, but Machines as well!"

Monkey Wrench gasped, as the numbers for the Machine King increased to 2,400 over 2,200!

"Very pretty," said Wrench. "But it still won't do the job! They're evenly matched!"

"Oh, it will," said Yugi. "Since I'm getting tired of your gloating, bragging, and inflated ego, I'm going to make sure I bring this duel to a close by using THIS Spell Card: the Machine Conversion Factory!"

He slapped the Equip card on the console, and quickly, a group of robotic arms appeared around the Machine King; they attached to him armor, blades, and two giant shoulder cannons!

When they vanished, the Monster's stats raised to 2,700 over 2,500.

The Machine King grants all Machine monsters 100 ATK points.  This INCLUDES Machine King.  What it DOESN'T get is a benefit from the Wasteland, because Machines don't benefit from the Wasteland, whatever Brian might say here.  Its final score should be 2600/2300.  Math is not Brian's strong suit.

Nor, really, is civility.  Yugi's just as much of an ass here as Monkey Wrench ever was.

"There was one thing I forgot to mention about your mentor," said Yugi. "He was not only an egotist, thief, and cheater, he was a loser as well. Just like you. Now, Machine King, phaser cannons attack!" The Monster aimed his cannons, the glowed with purple energy, and they fired, blasting Dokurorider out of existence with an explosion that rattled everyone's teeth! Monkey Wrench's Life Points went down to zero, and the word "WINNER" appeared on Yugi's side.

If a villain said that, it'd be kicking the dog.  But because the hero said it...

"And that," said Yugi, "is that. It's over Monkey Wrench. I believe I won your Duel Jewels."

"Yeah?" said Monkey Wrench, picking them up. "Well you ain't gonna get them!"

He seized his deck and leapt off the station, and started to run… but then his path was blocked. Jackie was in his way.

With his tab.

"Pardon me, Robert," she said, "but those Jewels belong to Yugi."

Monkey Wrench almost laughed. "And what are you going to do about it, Daisy Mae?" he said. "HIT me?"

"Funny you should ask," she said.

And with that, she yelled, "Hai!" and kicked him in the gut. The punk gasped and keeled over. Jackie ducked and floor-swept him, knocking him over.

He tried to get up, but then the waitress chopped him in the torso, knocking him out.

He was already defeated.  She was just being cruel with the last one.

Jackie picked up the dropped Duel Jewels and went over to Yugi, who had switched back to his normal form. "I believe these are yours," she said, with another sweet smile.

"Why didn't you tell us you knew martial arts?" asked Clive.

"You didn't ask," she said

"And also it was completely irrelevant."

Jackie offers everyone complimentary desserts to make up for Monkey Wrench's behavior, and Yugi defines the Three Laws for those among the readership who are as slow as the cast.

SCENE CHANGE:

In her lair, in the palace at the center of the island, Anastasia and her assistant were in the midst of working with fire extinguishers. She had been watching the duel, and the last blow from Yugi's Machine King had overloaded the equipment, causing three monitors to short circuit.

After the fire was out, Anastasia spoke up. "Mr. Baal, get my technicians up here," she said.

"Yes ma'am," he said.

"And fire the ones who installed the equipment.  They made it sensitive enough that a fucking hologram blew it out."

She turned to the dead monitors and fingered the knob on her walking stick.

"You are quite good, Yugi," she said. "In both skill and in strategy. It now seems a near certainty that I'll be facing you eventually. I must learn more… and more I will…"

She went to an intact monitor and punched in some buttons. "All I need is the right recipe to put together a formula…"

An image of Jackie gathering ice cream from her freezer came up.

"And I think I know the perfect one…"

HA HA YOU GET IT FOOD JOKE

Comments

[kahran042]

Just a reminder that Megazowler's canon attack is called "Horn Ramming Charge". So not all lame attack names are fanonical.

[mancalledtrue]

True, but still no excuse for laziness on Mr. Corvello's part.

[kahran042]

Out of curiosity, what name would you use for Dokurorider's attack?

[mancalledtrue]

Off the top of my head, "Ride to Hell", "Drive to Death", "Last Ride", "Road to Perdition"... Something that fuses death and the biker theme. This isn't 4Kids, we don't have to pretend people don't die.