Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter 6
Oct. 15th, 2011 10:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mancalledtrueWho wants to see Brian Corvello ruin a classic children's book? Nobody? Well, too bad!
The chapter title is "A Mad Duel Party". Three guesses, folks.
As evening approached, and the friends trekked down the beach, the clouds started to blacken, and a light drizzle started to fall.
For some reason it only seemed to fall on Clive.
"It's going to start to pour soon," said Peter. "We'd best find shelter."
"Look over there…" said Mary.
Up ahead, the beach came to an end, with a large cliff-face. A cave entrance opened at the bottom corner.
The pile of bones and scattered Duel Monster cards were only mild turn-offs.
The four friends made their way to it. The cave was large on the inside, with a long tunnel leading into the darkness.
There was the occasional scream of damned souls.
"I guess we can stay here for the night," said Clive, unloading his pack. "But I think a fire is out of the question. Anybody for beef jerky and canned juice?"
The rest of them groaned.
It's better than canned corn, bottled water, and breakfast cereal. Anyone who's played "The Last Stand: Union City" will know that one.
Then Yugi paused. "Hey guys," he said. "Hear that?"
A scampering sound came from behind them, from the tunnel. They all turned towards it.
And were promptly mauled by a bear.
Out of the shadows a little white rabbit crawled out towards them.
Insert Monty Python reference here.
"Oh, how cute!" shrieked Mary.
Of course it's the girl who gets the "Cute!" reaction.
The rabbit nudged its head towards the rear of the cavern and started to crawl into the darkness.
"I think it wants us to follow it," said Mary. She started to walk after it. The rabbit picked up its pace.
A few moments later, they ended up in the minefield at a dead run, and Mary wondered why she'd bothered.
"Mary wait!" said Yugi. "Don't you remember where we are?" Oh, I'm going to regret this later, he thought. He ran after her, and his two friends followed.
Then the boulder began rolling after them.
They chased the rabbit through the darkness, until finally they came to a dead end. The little critter was nowhere in sight.
"Where did it…" started Mary.
All of a sudden, the floor gave way, and they were falling!
Oh, I get it! They're in Fornax!
They screamed for a moment, but when they landed twenty seconds later on a heap of dry leaves, they found that they were unhurt. It was as if something had slowed their fall.
That something was the wall of knives on all sides of them.
"Note to self," said Mary, as they got up. "Stop following strange animals."
"Only follow the ones I know by name."
"We have bigger things to worry about," said Yugi.
They looked around, and saw that they were in the oddest place they had been in thus far. They were in some sort of giant cavern, with the ceiling hundreds of feet overhead. Even stranger were the surroundings. The scenery was made up of enormous mushrooms, ranging from the size of a man to the size of a house. Odd squawks and squeaks sounded from the corners of the cavern at random intervals.
"We've fallen into somebody's D&D campaign, and now we're stuck in the Underdark!"
"Where are we?" said Clive.
"We just followed a rabbit down a hole into a forest of mushrooms," said Yugi. "Think back to the stories your parents read to you as a child."
"Oh," said Clive.
One of Brian Corvello's favorite books is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. This is the first of several times he bends his Yu-Gi-Oh work to work it in. Charles Arthur Dodgson would be horribly depressed to see his creation to cheer up a dear friend used like this.
"Well, we can't go back the way we came," said Yugi. "The only way to go is forward. Keep sharp, people; there's no telling what our 'gracious' host has planted in here."
"And under no circumstances should you eat the mushrooms!"
They worked their way through the forest of mushrooms. After half an hour, a song reached their ears, a nonsensical parody of a familiar nursery rhyme:
It's the "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat" poem from the book. I've commented in the past on how Brian likes to pad his work with lyrics and stolen poetry, so why repeat myself?
"Maybe whoever is singing can help us out," said Mary.
"Emphasis on 'maybe'," said Yugi. "I've got a bad feeling about this…"
Thank you for your wisdom, Obi-Wan...
They followed the singing, and came upon a small cottage; its roof was thatched with what appeared to be brown fur, and two huge rabbit-like ears stuck up from it.
Let me just retrieve my "Annotated Alice"... Well, damn. That's actually an accurate description of the March Hare's house.
Even more interesting was the long table set out in front of the house, and the three residents at it. At the head of the table was a man dressed in colorful formalwear, with a top hat and tails – at the side was a man wearing a brown, rabbit-like mask (at least they assumed it was a mask), and next to him was a small mouse-like figure. It was sitting so still that it looked like a stuffed animal. The table was set with scones, biscuits, and tea-things.
I can only imagine how much this job would have to suck. Think about it - you sit at a table for hours on end in a dark, airless cave complex, waiting for some jackass duelist to wander past a random cavemouth and get drawn in. And you have to dress like a John Tenniel illustration.
The man with the top hat noticed them. "Welcome, my friends!" he said in a funny voice.
And as the last indignity, they make you speak in an Ed Wynn impersonation.
"We're just taking tea here; do join us. I'm you're host, the marvelous Mad Hatter!"
"The Mad Hatter?" said Yugi, sitting down. "Isn't that a copyright violation of some sort?"
"No lad, the name is public domain," said the Hatter. "We had our lawyers check that out.
Okay, that's a halfway amusing bit. And it really is public domain, that's why there are so many lousy adaptations of it out there, Tim Burton's shitfest being the most recent.
But do join us for tea and scones – you must be starved, yes?"
They couldn't deny that. As Mary sat down, she said, "What's with the stuffed mouse?"
The mouse's eye's opened. "I am not stuffed!" he snapped. "Since after dinner last night, I have been a Dormouse, thank you!"
That has to be a quote from some version or another, but I can't find which one. It's not from the book. (As an aside, ye gods but there are a lot of blogs named "Remember What the Dormouse Said". Thanks a lot, Jefferson Airplane.)
"And I guess that would make YOU the March Hare," said Peter to the third one.
"The one and only," said the one in the rabbit mask.
I somehow doubt you're the only person in the world to wear a rabbit mask.
"Here, have some tea." The teapot next to him sprouted mechanical legs, and walked over to Yugi. It bent over and filled his cup. It proceeded to do the same for Mary, Clive, and Peter.
Then it wandered over and raped the sugarbowl.
"Cream and sugar?" said the Hare.
"Ah, we'll drink it black!" said Clive, nervously.
Don't even ask what the twist of lemon involves.
"Hmmm," said the Hatter. "You seem like smart people. Answer this riddle if you can… How is a raven like a writing desk?"
A long pause ensued. Peter shrugged and nibbled on a scone.
After a minute, Yugi said, "Because Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both of them."
"Hmm, intriguing," said the Hatter. "The great Lewis Carroll believed that this riddle had no answer, but your answer does make sense!
Other answers suggested over the centuries: "Because they both produce notes, though they are very flat, and are nevar put with the wrong end in front" (one suggested by Carroll himself as an afterthought), "bills and tales are among their characteristics", "both stand on legs, conceal their steals, and ought to be made to shut up".
You interest me… perhaps you might be worthy of the offer I am about to make…"
"What kind of offer?" asked Yugi. Ugh, he thought to himself. This tea tastes like warm milk…
That's a surprisingly clever and subtle note from Brian. I'm shocked.
The Hatter snapped his fingers, and like magic, a golden chest appeared in front of him.
Wario then punched him out, grabbed the chest, and fled into the night.
"In this chest, I hold six, that's right, six potent Duel Monster cards," he said. "If you care to take a dare and challenge me at the duel station out yonder, I will give you these cards, should you win. However, should you lose, it will cost you all of your Duel Jewels except one.
"And your ass belongs to Todd the Jeweler for the next week."
"If you'd rather not take the risk, I can just point you in the direction out of the Mushroom Forest, and you can be on your way."
Do you have any idea how many games have had levels named "Mushroom Forest"?!?
"Can we see the cards before we duel?" asked Yugi.
"Regretfully, no," said the Hatter.
"How do I know that the chest holds nothing but weak monsters that aren't worth the effort?" asked Yugi.
"Sir, please!" said the Hatter. "I told you that they are potent cards, and as you no doubt have heard, lying is forbidden here. Miss Pegasus would punish me good if I told a falsehood."
But can we trust someone who's acting the role of a character from a story built on nonsense and filled with deliberately inconsistent logic? Who's to say he's not excepted from the rule against lying?
"One moment," said Yugi. He turned to his friends. "Guys, huddle!"
"This may not be a good idea," said Mary. "He isn't a fellow competitor, he's one of Anastasia's employees. He may be awfully good."
"Or he may be stoned out of his gourd. Who knows?"
Yugi declares he can win with his friends's support and accepts the Hatter's challenge. SCENE CHANGE:
A short meal of tea and scones later, Yugi, the Hatter, and both of their teams of supporters walked a short distance to where the mushrooms were the densest. Yugi could not believe the location of the dueling station – it was actually placed on top of one of the largest mushrooms. Stairs were provided to get to it. A mushroom of equal size was next to it for the spectators, and seats were provided on it.
After a few moments in contact with the mushrooms, the sky started turning pretty colors.
"All right, Yugi!" said Clive. "Show this clown how we play the game!"
So Yugi broke out his flowchart.
"I'll just place the chest right here," said the Hatter, placing it on an outcropping table on the station. "You may make the first move."
Yugi felt his Millennium Puzzle. "Are you there, Spirit of the Puzzle?" he said in his mind
There was a low groan, followed by a mental whisper of "Knock before you enter, KNOCK!"
"I'm here, Yugi," said the Spirit. "Now join with me, and we'll take this foe together. He may look silly on the outside, but I suspect he has some lethal tricks up his sleeve."
He's the Mad Hatter, not the freakin' Joker.
"Are you sure this soul-merger stuff is safe?" asked Yugi.
"Don't worry," said the Spirit with a chuckle. "It never hurt your father.
"Aside from when he got his soul ripped out, but that only happened the one time."
You'll get used to it soon."
The two merged, and the transformation overtook Yugi's body.
"Whoa!" said Peter, readying his camera.
"Turn your ass THIS way, Yugi!"
"Now," said Yugi, "It's time to Duel!"
The lights on the station flashed, the numbers 2,000 appeared below both, and both duelists drew five cards.
"I summon the Robotic Knight, in Attack Mode!" yelled Yugi. He slapped the card down, and a robot in gold armor and an energy sword appeared. (1,600/1,800)
Wait a moment! The primary color on the Robotic Knight's armor is red. The epaulets are gold, and it has gold trim, but I'd hesitate to call it "gold armor". And its sword is a metal epee, not an energy weapon.
"And I will summon Alice, the Warden of Wonderland, in Defense Mode!" said the Hatter, laying a card down.
In a flash, a creature that was both familiar and strange appeared on the Hatter's side. It looked like a ten-year-old girl with long blond hair, dressed in a blue and white dress and a bow. A very stern expression was on her face, and she crossed her arms. (1,300/1,000)
In a later story this card appeared in, Brian illustrated it with a picture from the book itself. Fun fact: Alice Liddell was in fact ten at the time the story was written.
"THAT'S a Monster?" said Clive. "She looks like my niece! Heh, only not as threatening."
Clive's in high school. If he's the same age as Yugi (as is implied), he's fifteen. How the hell does he have a ten-year-old niece?
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter. "I think I know what question is going through your head right now, Yugi… what secrets does my Warden hold? Surely she can't be a threat… her Attack score and Defense score are both lower than your Knight's!"
"But she reflects Gun attacks and is immune to Curse!"
Hmmm, thought Yugi. True, that girl doesn't look very impressive, but looks can be deceiving in Duel Monsters…
"That little girl doesn't fool me," said Yugi. "I'm certain she's quite dangerous…"
"I'm from Japan! We got the first Shin Megami Tensei!"
"Well, you'll have to move sometime," said the Hatter.
"Very well," said Yugi. "Robotic Knight, energy blade attack!" The Hatter gritted his teeth…
The robot raised his sword; but before he could attack, he stumbled and fell over!
"Damn all-night robot raves."
"What?" said Yugi. "My Robotic Knight… tripped?"
"Yes," said the Hatter. "You see, Alice brings bad luck to her enemies. Any enemy Monsters with Attack scores lower than two-thousand have a fifty-percent of simply failing when they try to attack when she is on the field!"
"Fifty-percent chance". One word shouldn't be so easy to leave out of your sentences.
I was right, thought Yugi. Looks do deceive. "There's nothing more I can do," he said. That is the end of my turn."
Then he said to himself, but I'll have a surprise for him next time…
"I'll MOON him!"
"Good," said the Hatter. "Now meet Alice's bodyguard. I summon the dreadful Jabberwock, in Attack Mode!" He laid a card down, and a fierce dragon with a long neck, wings, a squashed face, and a pear-shaped body dressed in a vest appeared! Its eyes were fiery red! (2,600 /2,000)
Again, in a later story, Brian used Tenniel's illustration to show what the card looked like. On closer inspection, the damn thing really does wear a vest.
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter.
"Wow, I've gotta get a picture of this!" said Peter.
"Hey, just whose side are you on?" said Mary.
"Team Awesome, babe. Nobody else's."
Man, that thing is powerful! thought Yugi. Now why didn't he attack my Knight? It must have some sort of limitation. He looked at his cards. I'll save this, he thought, and set up a trap for that thing next time. Right now, I'd best try to get rid of Alice.
"If she casts Die For Me!, I'm fucked!"
"Robotic Knight," he said, "attack Alice!"
This time the Knight didn't trip. He raised his sword and charged. But before he could bring his sword down on Alice, the Jabberwock put down its foot and blocked the blow!
"Show the money FIRST, bucko!"
"Didn't I say that the Jabberwock was Alice's bodyguard?" said the Hatter. "So long as it is on the field, Alice cannot be harmed!"
Yugi took a deep breath. This guy sure likes to gloat, he thought. Well I'll have the last laugh.
Thirty years later, he pissed on the Hatter's grave.
"I switch my Robotic Knight to Defense Mode!" he said, turning his card. The Knight sheathed his sword and crossed his arms. "That will be all for my turn."
It just attacked. When you attack, you forfeit the ability to change modes until your next turn unless you have an ability that says otherwise. The Robotic Knight is a Normal Monster.
"Smart," said the Hatter. "Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!"
The dragon raised his head, and two beams of fire shot from its eyes, incinerating the Robotic Knight.
It angers me that Brian so blithely calls the Jabberwock a dragon throughout this chapter. I don't care what the card type is - giving it a clear identity robs the creature of its power and damages the point of the poem.
"That will conclude my turn," said the Hatter.
"Wow," said Peter. "This is the most exciting duel so far, and no-one has even lost any Life Points yet!"
There's an old rule about not having your characters try to sell the audience on something. It never works.
"I just hope that Yugi finds a way to beat that monstrosity," said Mary. "Not even his Dark Magician would be strong enough."
"I will first play a card face down," said Yugi. "And then summon the Summoned Skull, in Attack Mode!" He put the card down, and the bony demon appeared. (2,500/1,200)
THAT IS ONE MEATY BONER!
"That will end my turn," said Yugi. I hope he takes the bait… he thought.
The Hatter thought hard. My Jabberwock could take out that Fiend, he thought. But if he didn't attack Alice with it now, he must WANT me to attack it.
Or maybe it didn't attack because of the Jabberwock's ability you elucidated two minutes ago?
Still, if I don't destroy it, it might well destroy Alice on his next turn. And heck, I doubt he'd be lucky enough to have a Trap card that could defeat such a strong monster if it uses a ranged attack…
A ranged attack? The hell is this, Fire Emblem?
He looked at his cards. And I do have an ace in the hole just in case. Here goes…
"Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!" commanded the Hatter. The Jabberwock fired its twin flames again… but before they reached the Summoned Skull, they turned back on themselves, and hit the Jabberwock! The monster screamed, and was incinerated!
Charles Arthur Dodgson stopped turning in his grave for a moment.
"What?" said the Hatter. His Life Points went down to 1,350.
Huh. I thought he used "What? No!" a lot more than he has.
"I used a very special Trap Card," said Yugi. "One designed especially for Dragon Monsters."
He held up a Trap Card bearing the image of a multicolored shield with a green dragon inside.
"The Shield of St. George!" said Yugi. "It turns back the attack of ANY dragon that attacks the user, and destroys it! It could have taken out the Blue Eyes Ultimate itself if it had attacked me then."
For once, a "magic bullet" I can understand someone using. Remember who Yugi's father's archrival is.
"Way to go, Yugi!" yelled Mary.
"And to think I doubted in the Heart of the Cards," said Clive.
"I'll never distrust authorial fiat again!"
"Hmph!" said the Hatter. "Well, my turn isn't over yet. "I first switch Alice to Attack Mode!" Alice uncrossed her arms and formed her hands into fists.
"Aw, how cute," said Peter. "She's angry now! She looks like she wants to take on that Summoned Skull on her own!"
Don't underestimate the power of an angry young girl. Your shins will regret it.
"Well she can," said the Hatter, "once I use this Equip card! Enchanted Javelin!"
A shiny golden javelin appeared in the air above Alice, and she grabbed it. She pointed it at Summoned Skull.
Peter gasped! "That allows Fairies to enact the one-sided destruction of Fiend Monsters!"
Only in Duelist of the Roses. This is supposedly going by the anime's rules - where this card didn't have that effect. In the real game, it's a trap that gives you Life Points equal to an attacking monster's ATK.
"Exactly!" said the Hatter. "Now, Alice, javelin attack!" Alice's eyes glowed, and a beam of energy shot from the Javelin! The Summoned Skull blew into a pile of burning bones! Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,375.
And she doesn't even throw the fucking thing? What's the point?
"Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" shouted the Hatter, waving his hat.
"Encore, encore!" yelled the March Hare, clapping his paws.
They're going to quote from "Jabberwocky" a lot, aren't they? This is going to hurt.
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter, grinning.
Yugi drew his replacement card and looked at it. "Well," said Yugi, "destroying a Monster with strategy is one thing, but it takes a certain kind of genius to turn a bad situation to his advantage. I'll first use a Spell Card that was given to me by an old friend of my father's; I really ought to thank her one of these days. The Harpie's Feather Duster!"
Either a certain kind of genius or the ability to topdeck like a motherfucker.
A huge feather appeared over the grid, and made a sweeping motion. The Enchanted Javelin disappeared from Alice's hands.
"As you can see, it has disarmed your precious Warden," continued Yugi. "Now I will play this Spell Card, Monster Reborn, to bring the Summoned Skull back, in Attack Mode!"
A rumble was heard, and the Summoned Skull crawled out of the ground.
"I'm back from the dead... and they were far-out, man..."
The numbers 2,500 over 1,200 appeared under him again.
"And since the Summoned Skull has a high enough Attack score," continued Yugi, "Alice's curse is useless against him. Summoned Skull, lightning strike att… aw heck, just step on her!"
The Summoned Skull raised its foot. Alice screamed as the Fiend merely stomped her flat. The Hatter's Life Points took a deep dive to 150!
That's unnecessary sadistic for a supposed hero. And I'm pretty sure the holograms aren't flexible enough to do that.
"Wo-ho! Wo-ho!" yelled Mary. "You've got this game in the bag, Yugi!"
It's "Woo-hoo", you bastard!
"That will end my move," said Yugi.
"I admit you are better than I expected," said the Hatter. "But I am not finished yet."
He then armed his bomb.
He placed a card down. "I will first play the Goblin's Secret Remedy, to recover a chunk of my Life Points." A sprig of green clover appeared over the grid; it dissolved into dust and sprinkled on the Hatter's side. The Hatter's Life Points were raised to 750.
What good is tarragon going to do us now?
"And now, I will play this Spell Card," said the Hatter, laying it down. A giggling goblin dressed in green, carrying a shovel, appeared on the grid.
"The Graverobber!" said Pete.
HOLD IT! Graverobber is a Trap Card! Seriously, JOEY used that card, how can you fuck it up?!?
"That lets him recover any used Spell Card that Yugi has used!" said Clive.
At Duelist-Kingdom-suicide prices.
"Right!" said the Hatter. "And guess what I'm going to dig up?" The Graverobber motioned with his hands, and produced the Monster Reborn card!
Then it folded it into a lovely origami crane.
"And now I'll use this card to bring back the Jabberwock, in Attack mode!" said the Hatter. The Graverobber vanished, and the Jabberwock crawled out of the floor. It roared, and the numbers 2,600 over 2,000 once again appeared.
"Now, Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!" yelled the Hatter. "Turn that Fiend into chum!" The Jabberwock's flames incinerated the Summoned Skull! Yugi's Life Points went down to 1,275.
Chum is fishing bait, usually made from pieces of fish. The key word here is "pieces" - incinerated creatures would be useless for the purpose. THINK before you use words, Brian!
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter.
In his mind, Yugi's thoughts raced. "He's a lot better than he looks," he thought out loud.
"Yes," said the Spirit, "but I can sense that this duelist is getting sloppy. He is relying too much on raw power.
NOBODY in this story uses finesse, for fuck's sake!
We will just have to outsmart him. Now, we will make our draw, and I am certain that they will bring this demented fairy tale to an end."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland isn't a fairy tale. It's nonsense literature. There's a difference.
Yugi made his draws. He grinned.
"I first play THIS card face down," said Yugi, "and then I play the Dark Magician, in Attack Mode!" The purple-garbed wizard appeared (2,500/2,100)
"That stage magician can't destroy my Jabberwock," said the Hatter.
"No, but his Mighty Cheese act is awesome!"
"But he will," said Yugi, "once I use this Equip card – the Book of Secret Arts!" A thick book appeared and opened before the Dark Magician.
"The Book's arcane lore raises my Dark Magician's attack score to 2,800!" said Yugi, as the score below him changed.
Brian's really terrible with this - Book of Secret Arts raises both Attack and Defense by 300, not just Attack.
"Now Dark Magician, dark magic attack!" yelled Yugi. The Dark Magician thrust his staff forward, and a lightning bolt from it incinerated the dragon! Its fearsome head fell on the grid away from its burning torso. The Hatter's Life Points sank to 550.
"One, two! One, two! And through and through, the magic staff went snicker-snack!" said Yugi. "He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"
It's not. A fucking. Dragon. And stop maiming the lines from "Jabberwocky".
"You think you're so smart?" sneered the Hatter.
"That is all for my move," said Yugi. "Attack me if you dare."
He was rather surprised when the Hatter sprang from his mushroom and went for his throat.
"Ooh, I'll dare alright," said the now angry Hatter, making a draw. "When I'm done with this Monster, it will be curtains for your Magician. I first play Chimera, the Flying Mythical Beast!"
HOLD IT! Fusion rules are a little different in the anime - Flame Swordsman, famously, is apparently a Normal Monster in the show universe - but Chimera is a Fusion Monster in the anime universe as well as in the real game. (This is in part because it first appears in Battle City, where the rules are far closer to real life.)
He put the card down, and the enormous three-headed winged monster appeared. (2,100/1,800)
"It's no gryphon, but it will do," he said. "Now I first use this Equip, the mega powerful Megamorph!"
"Oh no!" said Mary. "That Equip will double the Chimera's attack score!"
True, as long as your Life Points are lower than the opponent's. Which his are right now. When they're higher, the Equipped Monster's ATK is halved. But that wouldn't matter here.
"Indeed," said the Mad Hatter, putting it down.
A circle etched with runes appeared above the Chimera; it spun around, and the Chimera's stats went up to 4,200 over 1,800!
Is this Yu-Gi-Oh or Fullmetal Alchemist?
"Now, Chimera, tear that Magician apart!" commanded the Hatter.
The Beast leapt at the Dark Magician… but before it got halfway, it fell into a pit in the floor! The Chimera howled.
They looked down, and the Chimera had been impaled on a bed of metal stakes!
"Too bad, Mad Hatter," said Yugi. "I made you so MAD that you forgot all about my facedown card, which happened to be the Chasm of Spikes Trap! In response to your earlier question about me being smart… well I sure outsmarted you!"
Chasm of Spikes actually DOES takes 1/4 of the attacking monster's ATK off of its owner's LP. So just how does it work with the 1/4 ATK rule that exists universally in this story?
The Hatter's Life Points fell to zero. The word "WINNER" appeared on Yugi's side.
"Yahoo!" yelled Mary.
"Oh, crumbs!" said the Hatter. He threw his hat on the ground and stomped on it.
Which was rather difficult, given the sheer size of his hat.
"Well, Mr. Mad Hatter," said Yugi, getting down, "I believe you owe us those cards…"
"Here, take them!" he said, thrusting the chest into Yugi's hands. "And just take that path heading that way! It will take you to the surface! Now go! Go!"
"Geeze, talk about a sore loser," said Clive.
Yugi just spent the entire duel mocking him and being a dick towards his cards. And he didn't even give him a token "Good game" when it was over. Would YOU be polite afterwards?
SCENE CHANGE:
When they were halfway down the path, Yugi's body was restored to normal.
"We might as well look and see what these cards are," he said, putting the chest down.
They opened it.
Monster-in-a-box!
It contained three Spell Cards, the Stain Storm and the Insect Imitation, and the Sword of Dragon's Soul, and three Monster Cards: the Monster Egg, the Millennium Golem, and the Machine King.
PAUSE. Think carefully about how Brian treats card interactions in this story thus far. Take a look at the names of the above-listed cards. Try to figure out, before we go any further, how Brian will screw up the rules here.
Do you have some good ideas? Let's see if you're right!
"Well," said Mary. "They all seem powerful, except the Monster Egg…"
The only thing Monster Egg's good for is attaching to your bicycle spokes.
"Monster Egg goes with Insect Imitation," said Yugi. "When Insect Imitation is played with any "egg" Monster, the egg transforms into a random Monster, in this case, Beast-Warriors."
BULLLLLLLLLSHITTTTTTTTTT. I have no idea where the hell Brian got that one from. Insect Imitation allows you to Special Summon an Insect one level higher than a monster you Tribute from your field from your deck. Leaving aside that Beast-Warriors at the time were largely crap (and even now there are a pathetically small amount)...
"Oh!" said Mary. "In that case, can I have those two?"
"Sure," said Yugi. But I want "Stain Storm and Machine King. Which of the other two do you want?"
"Hmmm," said Mary. "That Equip let's you destroy Dragons instantly, right?"
"If you have a Warrior."
NOT QUITE. It DOES kill Dragon-type monsters that attack the wielder (which gets a 700-point Attack boost)... AFTER damage calculation. Brian apparently decided it was just cooler as yet another in a series of interchangeable "magic bullets".
"Well, I just can't say no to something like that," said Mary. "You take the Millennium Golem."
The pair put the new cards in their decks, and continued along the path. Eventually it led to a stone stairway leading up.
Which led them to a series of tanks that exploded seconds later. A moment after that, someone groaned and hit the "reload" button.
SCENE CHANGE:
"Man, they could have at least put in an elevator," said Clive, after the long climb.
And give away the secret passage? Anastasia's two-dimensional, but she's not that stupid.
When they emerged into open air, they found themselves under the night stars on a misty mountain pathway.
"Well," said Yugi. "I guess we can make camp right…"
He paused. A figure was standing before them. The moon glinted off her sunglasses and the golden knob of her cane.
Doctor Facilier got a sex change.
"Allow me to extend my congratulations on that excellent duel, Yugi," said Anastasia, with a grin. "Did you enjoy my Wonderland? You'll be pleased to know that the Mad Hatter's salary will be docked for making such a humiliating mistake."
Oh, come on. He already can't afford ramen.
Yugi's eyes narrowed. "You were watching, Anne?" he said.
"Only a little of it," said Anastasia. "It isn't like I'm singling you out. I like to peruse around the Labyrinth from time to time and pay visits to the duelists who are doing well." She lowered her sunglasses.
That makes twice now. At least this time it's at night on a dark evening, but stop giving away your secrets, damn it.
"And you have been doing well so far. I predict you may have a shot of making it to the finals."
"Listen Anne," said Yugi. "I know you're up to something, and it won't be long before I find out what."
"And then I'll sell it to the Globe!"
Anastasia laughed. "Me? Up to something?" she said. Her voice turned grim and she turned her back to him. "I suppose it might be possible. It may well be Yugi, that I lured you and your friends into some inescapable death trap here, with every intent of tearing your souls from your bodies and casting them into the fiery depths of Hell…"
She laughed again, louder, turned around and her voice turned cheerful. "But one would think that THAT is the least likely scenario, and I'm really just a harmless woman who loves to play Duel Monsters."
Okay, hands up, anyone who was even vaguely fooled by that. ...Might as well have asked that question at an amputee convention.
She turned and started to walk away. "Good night folks," she said. "Don't let the things in the caves get you…"
Yugi tried to follow but she seemed to vanish into the mist.
Don't you love fog machines?
Peter put his hand on Yugi's shoulder. "She's just pulling our chain," he said, "trying to scare us."
"And doing a damn fine job of it."
"Yeah," said Yugi, "at least I hope so."
But Yugi went to sleep with Anastasia's words in his head, and they gave him quite unpleasant dreams.
They involved clowns with egg beaters.
The chapter title is "A Mad Duel Party". Three guesses, folks.
As evening approached, and the friends trekked down the beach, the clouds started to blacken, and a light drizzle started to fall.
For some reason it only seemed to fall on Clive.
"It's going to start to pour soon," said Peter. "We'd best find shelter."
"Look over there…" said Mary.
Up ahead, the beach came to an end, with a large cliff-face. A cave entrance opened at the bottom corner.
The pile of bones and scattered Duel Monster cards were only mild turn-offs.
The four friends made their way to it. The cave was large on the inside, with a long tunnel leading into the darkness.
There was the occasional scream of damned souls.
"I guess we can stay here for the night," said Clive, unloading his pack. "But I think a fire is out of the question. Anybody for beef jerky and canned juice?"
The rest of them groaned.
It's better than canned corn, bottled water, and breakfast cereal. Anyone who's played "The Last Stand: Union City" will know that one.
Then Yugi paused. "Hey guys," he said. "Hear that?"
A scampering sound came from behind them, from the tunnel. They all turned towards it.
And were promptly mauled by a bear.
Out of the shadows a little white rabbit crawled out towards them.
Insert Monty Python reference here.
"Oh, how cute!" shrieked Mary.
Of course it's the girl who gets the "Cute!" reaction.
The rabbit nudged its head towards the rear of the cavern and started to crawl into the darkness.
"I think it wants us to follow it," said Mary. She started to walk after it. The rabbit picked up its pace.
A few moments later, they ended up in the minefield at a dead run, and Mary wondered why she'd bothered.
"Mary wait!" said Yugi. "Don't you remember where we are?" Oh, I'm going to regret this later, he thought. He ran after her, and his two friends followed.
Then the boulder began rolling after them.
They chased the rabbit through the darkness, until finally they came to a dead end. The little critter was nowhere in sight.
"Where did it…" started Mary.
All of a sudden, the floor gave way, and they were falling!
Oh, I get it! They're in Fornax!
They screamed for a moment, but when they landed twenty seconds later on a heap of dry leaves, they found that they were unhurt. It was as if something had slowed their fall.
That something was the wall of knives on all sides of them.
"Note to self," said Mary, as they got up. "Stop following strange animals."
"Only follow the ones I know by name."
"We have bigger things to worry about," said Yugi.
They looked around, and saw that they were in the oddest place they had been in thus far. They were in some sort of giant cavern, with the ceiling hundreds of feet overhead. Even stranger were the surroundings. The scenery was made up of enormous mushrooms, ranging from the size of a man to the size of a house. Odd squawks and squeaks sounded from the corners of the cavern at random intervals.
"We've fallen into somebody's D&D campaign, and now we're stuck in the Underdark!"
"Where are we?" said Clive.
"We just followed a rabbit down a hole into a forest of mushrooms," said Yugi. "Think back to the stories your parents read to you as a child."
"Oh," said Clive.
One of Brian Corvello's favorite books is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. This is the first of several times he bends his Yu-Gi-Oh work to work it in. Charles Arthur Dodgson would be horribly depressed to see his creation to cheer up a dear friend used like this.
"Well, we can't go back the way we came," said Yugi. "The only way to go is forward. Keep sharp, people; there's no telling what our 'gracious' host has planted in here."
"And under no circumstances should you eat the mushrooms!"
They worked their way through the forest of mushrooms. After half an hour, a song reached their ears, a nonsensical parody of a familiar nursery rhyme:
It's the "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat" poem from the book. I've commented in the past on how Brian likes to pad his work with lyrics and stolen poetry, so why repeat myself?
"Maybe whoever is singing can help us out," said Mary.
"Emphasis on 'maybe'," said Yugi. "I've got a bad feeling about this…"
Thank you for your wisdom, Obi-Wan...
They followed the singing, and came upon a small cottage; its roof was thatched with what appeared to be brown fur, and two huge rabbit-like ears stuck up from it.
Let me just retrieve my "Annotated Alice"... Well, damn. That's actually an accurate description of the March Hare's house.
Even more interesting was the long table set out in front of the house, and the three residents at it. At the head of the table was a man dressed in colorful formalwear, with a top hat and tails – at the side was a man wearing a brown, rabbit-like mask (at least they assumed it was a mask), and next to him was a small mouse-like figure. It was sitting so still that it looked like a stuffed animal. The table was set with scones, biscuits, and tea-things.
I can only imagine how much this job would have to suck. Think about it - you sit at a table for hours on end in a dark, airless cave complex, waiting for some jackass duelist to wander past a random cavemouth and get drawn in. And you have to dress like a John Tenniel illustration.
The man with the top hat noticed them. "Welcome, my friends!" he said in a funny voice.
And as the last indignity, they make you speak in an Ed Wynn impersonation.
"We're just taking tea here; do join us. I'm you're host, the marvelous Mad Hatter!"
"The Mad Hatter?" said Yugi, sitting down. "Isn't that a copyright violation of some sort?"
"No lad, the name is public domain," said the Hatter. "We had our lawyers check that out.
Okay, that's a halfway amusing bit. And it really is public domain, that's why there are so many lousy adaptations of it out there, Tim Burton's shitfest being the most recent.
But do join us for tea and scones – you must be starved, yes?"
They couldn't deny that. As Mary sat down, she said, "What's with the stuffed mouse?"
The mouse's eye's opened. "I am not stuffed!" he snapped. "Since after dinner last night, I have been a Dormouse, thank you!"
That has to be a quote from some version or another, but I can't find which one. It's not from the book. (As an aside, ye gods but there are a lot of blogs named "Remember What the Dormouse Said". Thanks a lot, Jefferson Airplane.)
"And I guess that would make YOU the March Hare," said Peter to the third one.
"The one and only," said the one in the rabbit mask.
I somehow doubt you're the only person in the world to wear a rabbit mask.
"Here, have some tea." The teapot next to him sprouted mechanical legs, and walked over to Yugi. It bent over and filled his cup. It proceeded to do the same for Mary, Clive, and Peter.
Then it wandered over and raped the sugarbowl.
"Cream and sugar?" said the Hare.
"Ah, we'll drink it black!" said Clive, nervously.
Don't even ask what the twist of lemon involves.
"Hmmm," said the Hatter. "You seem like smart people. Answer this riddle if you can… How is a raven like a writing desk?"
A long pause ensued. Peter shrugged and nibbled on a scone.
After a minute, Yugi said, "Because Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both of them."
"Hmm, intriguing," said the Hatter. "The great Lewis Carroll believed that this riddle had no answer, but your answer does make sense!
Other answers suggested over the centuries: "Because they both produce notes, though they are very flat, and are nevar put with the wrong end in front" (one suggested by Carroll himself as an afterthought), "bills and tales are among their characteristics", "both stand on legs, conceal their steals, and ought to be made to shut up".
You interest me… perhaps you might be worthy of the offer I am about to make…"
"What kind of offer?" asked Yugi. Ugh, he thought to himself. This tea tastes like warm milk…
That's a surprisingly clever and subtle note from Brian. I'm shocked.
The Hatter snapped his fingers, and like magic, a golden chest appeared in front of him.
Wario then punched him out, grabbed the chest, and fled into the night.
"In this chest, I hold six, that's right, six potent Duel Monster cards," he said. "If you care to take a dare and challenge me at the duel station out yonder, I will give you these cards, should you win. However, should you lose, it will cost you all of your Duel Jewels except one.
"And your ass belongs to Todd the Jeweler for the next week."
"If you'd rather not take the risk, I can just point you in the direction out of the Mushroom Forest, and you can be on your way."
Do you have any idea how many games have had levels named "Mushroom Forest"?!?
"Can we see the cards before we duel?" asked Yugi.
"Regretfully, no," said the Hatter.
"How do I know that the chest holds nothing but weak monsters that aren't worth the effort?" asked Yugi.
"Sir, please!" said the Hatter. "I told you that they are potent cards, and as you no doubt have heard, lying is forbidden here. Miss Pegasus would punish me good if I told a falsehood."
But can we trust someone who's acting the role of a character from a story built on nonsense and filled with deliberately inconsistent logic? Who's to say he's not excepted from the rule against lying?
"One moment," said Yugi. He turned to his friends. "Guys, huddle!"
"This may not be a good idea," said Mary. "He isn't a fellow competitor, he's one of Anastasia's employees. He may be awfully good."
"Or he may be stoned out of his gourd. Who knows?"
Yugi declares he can win with his friends's support and accepts the Hatter's challenge. SCENE CHANGE:
A short meal of tea and scones later, Yugi, the Hatter, and both of their teams of supporters walked a short distance to where the mushrooms were the densest. Yugi could not believe the location of the dueling station – it was actually placed on top of one of the largest mushrooms. Stairs were provided to get to it. A mushroom of equal size was next to it for the spectators, and seats were provided on it.
After a few moments in contact with the mushrooms, the sky started turning pretty colors.
"All right, Yugi!" said Clive. "Show this clown how we play the game!"
So Yugi broke out his flowchart.
"I'll just place the chest right here," said the Hatter, placing it on an outcropping table on the station. "You may make the first move."
Yugi felt his Millennium Puzzle. "Are you there, Spirit of the Puzzle?" he said in his mind
There was a low groan, followed by a mental whisper of "Knock before you enter, KNOCK!"
"I'm here, Yugi," said the Spirit. "Now join with me, and we'll take this foe together. He may look silly on the outside, but I suspect he has some lethal tricks up his sleeve."
He's the Mad Hatter, not the freakin' Joker.
"Are you sure this soul-merger stuff is safe?" asked Yugi.
"Don't worry," said the Spirit with a chuckle. "It never hurt your father.
"Aside from when he got his soul ripped out, but that only happened the one time."
You'll get used to it soon."
The two merged, and the transformation overtook Yugi's body.
"Whoa!" said Peter, readying his camera.
"Turn your ass THIS way, Yugi!"
"Now," said Yugi, "It's time to Duel!"
The lights on the station flashed, the numbers 2,000 appeared below both, and both duelists drew five cards.
"I summon the Robotic Knight, in Attack Mode!" yelled Yugi. He slapped the card down, and a robot in gold armor and an energy sword appeared. (1,600/1,800)
Wait a moment! The primary color on the Robotic Knight's armor is red. The epaulets are gold, and it has gold trim, but I'd hesitate to call it "gold armor". And its sword is a metal epee, not an energy weapon.
"And I will summon Alice, the Warden of Wonderland, in Defense Mode!" said the Hatter, laying a card down.
In a flash, a creature that was both familiar and strange appeared on the Hatter's side. It looked like a ten-year-old girl with long blond hair, dressed in a blue and white dress and a bow. A very stern expression was on her face, and she crossed her arms. (1,300/1,000)
In a later story this card appeared in, Brian illustrated it with a picture from the book itself. Fun fact: Alice Liddell was in fact ten at the time the story was written.
"THAT'S a Monster?" said Clive. "She looks like my niece! Heh, only not as threatening."
Clive's in high school. If he's the same age as Yugi (as is implied), he's fifteen. How the hell does he have a ten-year-old niece?
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter. "I think I know what question is going through your head right now, Yugi… what secrets does my Warden hold? Surely she can't be a threat… her Attack score and Defense score are both lower than your Knight's!"
"But she reflects Gun attacks and is immune to Curse!"
Hmmm, thought Yugi. True, that girl doesn't look very impressive, but looks can be deceiving in Duel Monsters…
"That little girl doesn't fool me," said Yugi. "I'm certain she's quite dangerous…"
"I'm from Japan! We got the first Shin Megami Tensei!"
"Well, you'll have to move sometime," said the Hatter.
"Very well," said Yugi. "Robotic Knight, energy blade attack!" The Hatter gritted his teeth…
The robot raised his sword; but before he could attack, he stumbled and fell over!
"Damn all-night robot raves."
"What?" said Yugi. "My Robotic Knight… tripped?"
"Yes," said the Hatter. "You see, Alice brings bad luck to her enemies. Any enemy Monsters with Attack scores lower than two-thousand have a fifty-percent of simply failing when they try to attack when she is on the field!"
"Fifty-percent chance". One word shouldn't be so easy to leave out of your sentences.
I was right, thought Yugi. Looks do deceive. "There's nothing more I can do," he said. That is the end of my turn."
Then he said to himself, but I'll have a surprise for him next time…
"I'll MOON him!"
"Good," said the Hatter. "Now meet Alice's bodyguard. I summon the dreadful Jabberwock, in Attack Mode!" He laid a card down, and a fierce dragon with a long neck, wings, a squashed face, and a pear-shaped body dressed in a vest appeared! Its eyes were fiery red! (2,600 /2,000)
Again, in a later story, Brian used Tenniel's illustration to show what the card looked like. On closer inspection, the damn thing really does wear a vest.
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter.
"Wow, I've gotta get a picture of this!" said Peter.
"Hey, just whose side are you on?" said Mary.
"Team Awesome, babe. Nobody else's."
Man, that thing is powerful! thought Yugi. Now why didn't he attack my Knight? It must have some sort of limitation. He looked at his cards. I'll save this, he thought, and set up a trap for that thing next time. Right now, I'd best try to get rid of Alice.
"If she casts Die For Me!, I'm fucked!"
"Robotic Knight," he said, "attack Alice!"
This time the Knight didn't trip. He raised his sword and charged. But before he could bring his sword down on Alice, the Jabberwock put down its foot and blocked the blow!
"Show the money FIRST, bucko!"
"Didn't I say that the Jabberwock was Alice's bodyguard?" said the Hatter. "So long as it is on the field, Alice cannot be harmed!"
Yugi took a deep breath. This guy sure likes to gloat, he thought. Well I'll have the last laugh.
Thirty years later, he pissed on the Hatter's grave.
"I switch my Robotic Knight to Defense Mode!" he said, turning his card. The Knight sheathed his sword and crossed his arms. "That will be all for my turn."
It just attacked. When you attack, you forfeit the ability to change modes until your next turn unless you have an ability that says otherwise. The Robotic Knight is a Normal Monster.
"Smart," said the Hatter. "Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!"
The dragon raised his head, and two beams of fire shot from its eyes, incinerating the Robotic Knight.
It angers me that Brian so blithely calls the Jabberwock a dragon throughout this chapter. I don't care what the card type is - giving it a clear identity robs the creature of its power and damages the point of the poem.
"That will conclude my turn," said the Hatter.
"Wow," said Peter. "This is the most exciting duel so far, and no-one has even lost any Life Points yet!"
There's an old rule about not having your characters try to sell the audience on something. It never works.
"I just hope that Yugi finds a way to beat that monstrosity," said Mary. "Not even his Dark Magician would be strong enough."
"I will first play a card face down," said Yugi. "And then summon the Summoned Skull, in Attack Mode!" He put the card down, and the bony demon appeared. (2,500/1,200)
THAT IS ONE MEATY BONER!
"That will end my turn," said Yugi. I hope he takes the bait… he thought.
The Hatter thought hard. My Jabberwock could take out that Fiend, he thought. But if he didn't attack Alice with it now, he must WANT me to attack it.
Or maybe it didn't attack because of the Jabberwock's ability you elucidated two minutes ago?
Still, if I don't destroy it, it might well destroy Alice on his next turn. And heck, I doubt he'd be lucky enough to have a Trap card that could defeat such a strong monster if it uses a ranged attack…
A ranged attack? The hell is this, Fire Emblem?
He looked at his cards. And I do have an ace in the hole just in case. Here goes…
"Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!" commanded the Hatter. The Jabberwock fired its twin flames again… but before they reached the Summoned Skull, they turned back on themselves, and hit the Jabberwock! The monster screamed, and was incinerated!
Charles Arthur Dodgson stopped turning in his grave for a moment.
"What?" said the Hatter. His Life Points went down to 1,350.
Huh. I thought he used "What? No!" a lot more than he has.
"I used a very special Trap Card," said Yugi. "One designed especially for Dragon Monsters."
He held up a Trap Card bearing the image of a multicolored shield with a green dragon inside.
"The Shield of St. George!" said Yugi. "It turns back the attack of ANY dragon that attacks the user, and destroys it! It could have taken out the Blue Eyes Ultimate itself if it had attacked me then."
For once, a "magic bullet" I can understand someone using. Remember who Yugi's father's archrival is.
"Way to go, Yugi!" yelled Mary.
"And to think I doubted in the Heart of the Cards," said Clive.
"I'll never distrust authorial fiat again!"
"Hmph!" said the Hatter. "Well, my turn isn't over yet. "I first switch Alice to Attack Mode!" Alice uncrossed her arms and formed her hands into fists.
"Aw, how cute," said Peter. "She's angry now! She looks like she wants to take on that Summoned Skull on her own!"
Don't underestimate the power of an angry young girl. Your shins will regret it.
"Well she can," said the Hatter, "once I use this Equip card! Enchanted Javelin!"
A shiny golden javelin appeared in the air above Alice, and she grabbed it. She pointed it at Summoned Skull.
Peter gasped! "That allows Fairies to enact the one-sided destruction of Fiend Monsters!"
Only in Duelist of the Roses. This is supposedly going by the anime's rules - where this card didn't have that effect. In the real game, it's a trap that gives you Life Points equal to an attacking monster's ATK.
"Exactly!" said the Hatter. "Now, Alice, javelin attack!" Alice's eyes glowed, and a beam of energy shot from the Javelin! The Summoned Skull blew into a pile of burning bones! Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,375.
And she doesn't even throw the fucking thing? What's the point?
"Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" shouted the Hatter, waving his hat.
"Encore, encore!" yelled the March Hare, clapping his paws.
They're going to quote from "Jabberwocky" a lot, aren't they? This is going to hurt.
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter, grinning.
Yugi drew his replacement card and looked at it. "Well," said Yugi, "destroying a Monster with strategy is one thing, but it takes a certain kind of genius to turn a bad situation to his advantage. I'll first use a Spell Card that was given to me by an old friend of my father's; I really ought to thank her one of these days. The Harpie's Feather Duster!"
Either a certain kind of genius or the ability to topdeck like a motherfucker.
A huge feather appeared over the grid, and made a sweeping motion. The Enchanted Javelin disappeared from Alice's hands.
"As you can see, it has disarmed your precious Warden," continued Yugi. "Now I will play this Spell Card, Monster Reborn, to bring the Summoned Skull back, in Attack Mode!"
A rumble was heard, and the Summoned Skull crawled out of the ground.
"I'm back from the dead... and they were far-out, man..."
The numbers 2,500 over 1,200 appeared under him again.
"And since the Summoned Skull has a high enough Attack score," continued Yugi, "Alice's curse is useless against him. Summoned Skull, lightning strike att… aw heck, just step on her!"
The Summoned Skull raised its foot. Alice screamed as the Fiend merely stomped her flat. The Hatter's Life Points took a deep dive to 150!
That's unnecessary sadistic for a supposed hero. And I'm pretty sure the holograms aren't flexible enough to do that.
"Wo-ho! Wo-ho!" yelled Mary. "You've got this game in the bag, Yugi!"
It's "Woo-hoo", you bastard!
"That will end my move," said Yugi.
"I admit you are better than I expected," said the Hatter. "But I am not finished yet."
He then armed his bomb.
He placed a card down. "I will first play the Goblin's Secret Remedy, to recover a chunk of my Life Points." A sprig of green clover appeared over the grid; it dissolved into dust and sprinkled on the Hatter's side. The Hatter's Life Points were raised to 750.
What good is tarragon going to do us now?
"And now, I will play this Spell Card," said the Hatter, laying it down. A giggling goblin dressed in green, carrying a shovel, appeared on the grid.
"The Graverobber!" said Pete.
HOLD IT! Graverobber is a Trap Card! Seriously, JOEY used that card, how can you fuck it up?!?
"That lets him recover any used Spell Card that Yugi has used!" said Clive.
At Duelist-Kingdom-suicide prices.
"Right!" said the Hatter. "And guess what I'm going to dig up?" The Graverobber motioned with his hands, and produced the Monster Reborn card!
Then it folded it into a lovely origami crane.
"And now I'll use this card to bring back the Jabberwock, in Attack mode!" said the Hatter. The Graverobber vanished, and the Jabberwock crawled out of the floor. It roared, and the numbers 2,600 over 2,000 once again appeared.
"Now, Jabberwock, eyes of flame attack!" yelled the Hatter. "Turn that Fiend into chum!" The Jabberwock's flames incinerated the Summoned Skull! Yugi's Life Points went down to 1,275.
Chum is fishing bait, usually made from pieces of fish. The key word here is "pieces" - incinerated creatures would be useless for the purpose. THINK before you use words, Brian!
"That will be all for my move," said the Hatter.
In his mind, Yugi's thoughts raced. "He's a lot better than he looks," he thought out loud.
"Yes," said the Spirit, "but I can sense that this duelist is getting sloppy. He is relying too much on raw power.
NOBODY in this story uses finesse, for fuck's sake!
We will just have to outsmart him. Now, we will make our draw, and I am certain that they will bring this demented fairy tale to an end."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland isn't a fairy tale. It's nonsense literature. There's a difference.
Yugi made his draws. He grinned.
"I first play THIS card face down," said Yugi, "and then I play the Dark Magician, in Attack Mode!" The purple-garbed wizard appeared (2,500/2,100)
"That stage magician can't destroy my Jabberwock," said the Hatter.
"No, but his Mighty Cheese act is awesome!"
"But he will," said Yugi, "once I use this Equip card – the Book of Secret Arts!" A thick book appeared and opened before the Dark Magician.
"The Book's arcane lore raises my Dark Magician's attack score to 2,800!" said Yugi, as the score below him changed.
Brian's really terrible with this - Book of Secret Arts raises both Attack and Defense by 300, not just Attack.
"Now Dark Magician, dark magic attack!" yelled Yugi. The Dark Magician thrust his staff forward, and a lightning bolt from it incinerated the dragon! Its fearsome head fell on the grid away from its burning torso. The Hatter's Life Points sank to 550.
"One, two! One, two! And through and through, the magic staff went snicker-snack!" said Yugi. "He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"
It's not. A fucking. Dragon. And stop maiming the lines from "Jabberwocky".
"You think you're so smart?" sneered the Hatter.
"That is all for my move," said Yugi. "Attack me if you dare."
He was rather surprised when the Hatter sprang from his mushroom and went for his throat.
"Ooh, I'll dare alright," said the now angry Hatter, making a draw. "When I'm done with this Monster, it will be curtains for your Magician. I first play Chimera, the Flying Mythical Beast!"
HOLD IT! Fusion rules are a little different in the anime - Flame Swordsman, famously, is apparently a Normal Monster in the show universe - but Chimera is a Fusion Monster in the anime universe as well as in the real game. (This is in part because it first appears in Battle City, where the rules are far closer to real life.)
He put the card down, and the enormous three-headed winged monster appeared. (2,100/1,800)
"It's no gryphon, but it will do," he said. "Now I first use this Equip, the mega powerful Megamorph!"
"Oh no!" said Mary. "That Equip will double the Chimera's attack score!"
True, as long as your Life Points are lower than the opponent's. Which his are right now. When they're higher, the Equipped Monster's ATK is halved. But that wouldn't matter here.
"Indeed," said the Mad Hatter, putting it down.
A circle etched with runes appeared above the Chimera; it spun around, and the Chimera's stats went up to 4,200 over 1,800!
Is this Yu-Gi-Oh or Fullmetal Alchemist?
"Now, Chimera, tear that Magician apart!" commanded the Hatter.
The Beast leapt at the Dark Magician… but before it got halfway, it fell into a pit in the floor! The Chimera howled.
They looked down, and the Chimera had been impaled on a bed of metal stakes!
"Too bad, Mad Hatter," said Yugi. "I made you so MAD that you forgot all about my facedown card, which happened to be the Chasm of Spikes Trap! In response to your earlier question about me being smart… well I sure outsmarted you!"
Chasm of Spikes actually DOES takes 1/4 of the attacking monster's ATK off of its owner's LP. So just how does it work with the 1/4 ATK rule that exists universally in this story?
The Hatter's Life Points fell to zero. The word "WINNER" appeared on Yugi's side.
"Yahoo!" yelled Mary.
"Oh, crumbs!" said the Hatter. He threw his hat on the ground and stomped on it.
Which was rather difficult, given the sheer size of his hat.
"Well, Mr. Mad Hatter," said Yugi, getting down, "I believe you owe us those cards…"
"Here, take them!" he said, thrusting the chest into Yugi's hands. "And just take that path heading that way! It will take you to the surface! Now go! Go!"
"Geeze, talk about a sore loser," said Clive.
Yugi just spent the entire duel mocking him and being a dick towards his cards. And he didn't even give him a token "Good game" when it was over. Would YOU be polite afterwards?
SCENE CHANGE:
When they were halfway down the path, Yugi's body was restored to normal.
"We might as well look and see what these cards are," he said, putting the chest down.
They opened it.
Monster-in-a-box!
It contained three Spell Cards, the Stain Storm and the Insect Imitation, and the Sword of Dragon's Soul, and three Monster Cards: the Monster Egg, the Millennium Golem, and the Machine King.
PAUSE. Think carefully about how Brian treats card interactions in this story thus far. Take a look at the names of the above-listed cards. Try to figure out, before we go any further, how Brian will screw up the rules here.
Do you have some good ideas? Let's see if you're right!
"Well," said Mary. "They all seem powerful, except the Monster Egg…"
The only thing Monster Egg's good for is attaching to your bicycle spokes.
"Monster Egg goes with Insect Imitation," said Yugi. "When Insect Imitation is played with any "egg" Monster, the egg transforms into a random Monster, in this case, Beast-Warriors."
BULLLLLLLLLSHITTTTTTTTTT. I have no idea where the hell Brian got that one from. Insect Imitation allows you to Special Summon an Insect one level higher than a monster you Tribute from your field from your deck. Leaving aside that Beast-Warriors at the time were largely crap (and even now there are a pathetically small amount)...
"Oh!" said Mary. "In that case, can I have those two?"
"Sure," said Yugi. But I want "Stain Storm and Machine King. Which of the other two do you want?"
"Hmmm," said Mary. "That Equip let's you destroy Dragons instantly, right?"
"If you have a Warrior."
NOT QUITE. It DOES kill Dragon-type monsters that attack the wielder (which gets a 700-point Attack boost)... AFTER damage calculation. Brian apparently decided it was just cooler as yet another in a series of interchangeable "magic bullets".
"Well, I just can't say no to something like that," said Mary. "You take the Millennium Golem."
The pair put the new cards in their decks, and continued along the path. Eventually it led to a stone stairway leading up.
Which led them to a series of tanks that exploded seconds later. A moment after that, someone groaned and hit the "reload" button.
SCENE CHANGE:
"Man, they could have at least put in an elevator," said Clive, after the long climb.
And give away the secret passage? Anastasia's two-dimensional, but she's not that stupid.
When they emerged into open air, they found themselves under the night stars on a misty mountain pathway.
"Well," said Yugi. "I guess we can make camp right…"
He paused. A figure was standing before them. The moon glinted off her sunglasses and the golden knob of her cane.
Doctor Facilier got a sex change.
"Allow me to extend my congratulations on that excellent duel, Yugi," said Anastasia, with a grin. "Did you enjoy my Wonderland? You'll be pleased to know that the Mad Hatter's salary will be docked for making such a humiliating mistake."
Oh, come on. He already can't afford ramen.
Yugi's eyes narrowed. "You were watching, Anne?" he said.
"Only a little of it," said Anastasia. "It isn't like I'm singling you out. I like to peruse around the Labyrinth from time to time and pay visits to the duelists who are doing well." She lowered her sunglasses.
That makes twice now. At least this time it's at night on a dark evening, but stop giving away your secrets, damn it.
"And you have been doing well so far. I predict you may have a shot of making it to the finals."
"Listen Anne," said Yugi. "I know you're up to something, and it won't be long before I find out what."
"And then I'll sell it to the Globe!"
Anastasia laughed. "Me? Up to something?" she said. Her voice turned grim and she turned her back to him. "I suppose it might be possible. It may well be Yugi, that I lured you and your friends into some inescapable death trap here, with every intent of tearing your souls from your bodies and casting them into the fiery depths of Hell…"
She laughed again, louder, turned around and her voice turned cheerful. "But one would think that THAT is the least likely scenario, and I'm really just a harmless woman who loves to play Duel Monsters."
Okay, hands up, anyone who was even vaguely fooled by that. ...Might as well have asked that question at an amputee convention.
She turned and started to walk away. "Good night folks," she said. "Don't let the things in the caves get you…"
Yugi tried to follow but she seemed to vanish into the mist.
Don't you love fog machines?
Peter put his hand on Yugi's shoulder. "She's just pulling our chain," he said, "trying to scare us."
"And doing a damn fine job of it."
"Yeah," said Yugi, "at least I hope so."
But Yugi went to sleep with Anastasia's words in his head, and they gave him quite unpleasant dreams.
They involved clowns with egg beaters.
