Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter 3
Oct. 12th, 2011 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mancalledtrueSo now we get the first full duel in this story. Let's see how badly Brian Corvello can maim a full-length duel, given how he did with just a short segment!
The title of this one is "Forces of Nature". This is a habit of Brian's - when not naming chapters after cards, he names them after something to do with the duel.
The four friends finally reached the end of the tunnel, and light reached their eyes. They were on a path in a dark forest. The elm trees were dark and foreboding, and very little light reached the path.
I might just be guessing, but I think it's dark.
"Okay guys," said Clive. "Keep alert."
"Man, already I'm getting good picture opportunities!" said Pete, taking out his camera. He shot a picture at a group of thorny bushes next to a bent tree.
Both of their characters in this entire fanfic, summed up.
"Yeah, well save your film," said Mary. "We don't even know if these way stations even sell such stuff."
Particularly if they're like Disney, which is surprisingly stingy about access to photographic supplies.
"Say, Mary," said Yugi, "I just had a thought. You have a Dream Clown in your deck, don't you?"
"Dream Clown?" said Mary. "I believe so…" She took out her deck and shuffled through it. "Yeah here it is. I don't use it much – it can paralyze an opponent's monster, but its power is only mediocre."
You've never seen someone whine about "Clown Control".
"Well, maybe you'd like to trade the cards we got from the Minotaur," said Yugi, holding up the Crass Clown. "I think this may be of more use to you."
"How come?"
"Well, individually, both cards only have mediocre power, as you say. But together they can form a Fusion into a powerful monster called Bickuribox."
"Bickuribox…" said Mary.
Mary's got Metal Gearing Syndrome, the poor thing. Selectively poor hearing for expository purposes is the curse of Corvello side characters.
"My dad mentioned that once or twice, but I've never actually seen it…"
"Maximillion Pegasus used it during our fathers' tournament," said Yugi. "It has Attack and Defense of over two-thousand, and it is one of the few monsters that gain a Field power bonus in a Toon terrain."
"Hmmm…" said Mary, looking at her Gift of the Mystical Elf. "Okay, deal!"
The two of them swapped cards. "Who knows," she said. "Toon terrains can be lethal, and someone here could be packing one..."
I'd say "HINT HINT", but the only Toon "terrain" that comes into play in this entire story is well after Bickuribox has come and gone. And yes, this "Terrain" crap is a Duelist Kingdom rules hangover.
"Well then," said Yugi. "Which of these signposts should we follow?"
Looking above them were several pointers made of wood, nailed to a post. Words were painted on them. The friends looked over them:
They all said "Where there are owls" except one, which instead declared, "Where there are no owls".
GROTTO OF DARKNESS
CHASM OF DESPAIR
PIT OF BARBECUE
"Hmmm," said Yugi. "Maybe later…"
A slightly clever moment that amuses me... And a search reveals he stole the joke from "Pinky and the Brain". Only switched "Glade of Woe" for "Grotto of Darkness".
The pointer at the bottom said "DUELIST'S STATION."
"You think any of our competition might be hanging around the station?" said Mary.
"It seems more likely than the Chasm of Despair," said Yugi. "Maybe we can… hold it."
Well, depending on the distance, you might as well not piss in the woods.
A sound started to come from ahead. It sounded like music – very bad music.
"Ugh," said Clive. "Sounds like someone is stepping on a cat."
Now, I know not everyone likes Rihanna, but that's kind of a low blow...
A figure came into view up ahead. He was dressed in green robes and sandals; around his neck was an odd-looking cruciform, and leaves decorated his hair and some parts of his clothing. He had a short brown beard and hair. A satchel was strung across his back. He was playing a set of bagpipes (the obvious cause of the noise) and he wore a wristband with three Duel Jewels.
Jesus Christ, how stereotypical can you get?!? And we're just getting started here!
I know they're an acquired taste, but I actually like bagpipe music. Most people who claim to hate it haven't heard it played by somebody who actually knows how to play it - played well, it's a hell of a lot better than you'd think. Same goes with accordions.
Yugi and his friends covered their ears when he came closer. They started to cringe. He stopped when he saw them.
"Judgin' by the looks on your faces, I can tell ya don't like the Scottish ballad," he said. "Well, I can do Celtic too if you like."
Um... Brian? Scotland and Ireland are different countries, and most Scotsmen (and Irishmen, for that matter) would kick the shit out of you for getting the two mixed together.
He started playing them again, and the new ballad was even worse. "Geeze, stop!" said Yugi, "its torture!"
"Aye, where are my manners," said the stranger. "The name is Walston Threetrees."
"Yugi Muto Jr.," answered Yugi. "I… say is that a druidic cross you're wearing?"
"Aye, that's because I'm a druid," said Walston.
The stranger paused and looked up to the sky. "All my life, I've been enthralled by the power a' nature. The land, the sea, the sky, they all speak in different tongues. This forest is such a beautiful part of the environment, that I've been here ever since I arrived three days ago."
I told you we were just getting started. A Scottish druid who talks about "the voice of the land" and plays the bagpipes. And people thought Bandit Keith was a stereotype.
Some days I really regret reading The Girl Who Lived, because seeing the word "druid" sets off bad memories in my subconscious now.
"You seem to have had some luck, too," said Clive. "You already have three Duel Jewels."
"Aye lad," he said. "I've already fought two Duelists; pathetic lads they were, couldn't'a barely see straight."
When writing an accent, determine how thick the accent will be at the start. Do not vaciliate on the matter later.
Then he turned to Yugi. "Say, did you say that you were Yugi Muto Jr.? As in the son of THE Yugi Muto?"
"Uh yeah…" said Yugi. "You've heard of him?"
"Of course, lad!" said Walston. "The man is legendary among duelists. Especially guys like me – what druid [I]couldn't[/I] admire a duelist who used the Celtic Guardian so many times?
Given that it has nothing to do with druidism (and is just "Elf Swordsman" in Japanese), all of them? Notice that Brian failed to clean up his formatting when he transferred the story off Pokemasters.
I myself once wrote an ode to his honor…"
And then he started to play his pipes again. The four youngsters covered their ears again.
"Stop, stop!" yelled Yugi. Walston stopped. "That's very flattering," said Yugi, "but the medium needs work."
We're three chapters in and I'm already hoping Walston shoves his bagpipes up our hero's ass. That's not a good sign.
Waltson challenges Yugi to a duel, and they head for the dueling platform (this being before Duel Disks were established).
As they walked in the direction of the arrow, Yugi thought to himself. Okay, he thought, this guy is a druid… ten to one says his deck is made up mostly of Beast, Plant, Fairy, and Beast-Warrior Monsters; and by the same logic, he'd probably stay clear of Zombies, Pyros and Machines. He'd likely be neutral in regards to anything else. Still, no one's deck contains ONLY Monsters…
First Rule of Brian Corvello Duels: Your Deck is your personality and vice versa. You are not allowed to play cards that do not correspond to who you are on a one-for-one basis.
They shuffle and draw.
Yugi shuffled his deck, and drew five cards from his it; Walston did the same. Yugi tried to keep a poker face, but inside he cringed – his hand had only had one Monster Card, and it was weak.
We're going to get very tired of the term "poker face" before this is over, aren't we?
"Okay," said Yugi. "As my father was fond of saying, it's time to duel!" The duel station came alive, and flickered with lights. The number 2000 appeared below each player.
"You go first," said Yugi.
"Sure ya don't mind?" said Walston.
"No, go ahead."
Best see what I'm up against first, he thought.
This is how it usually works in a Brian Corvello story - someone will either request the opening move or relinquish it. Nobody ever randomly determines it. He once got angry at me when I started several duels in a story with a coin flip.
"I summon th' Frenzied Panda in Attack Mode!" shouted Walston. A huge panda bear armed with a bamboo stick appeared on his side and roared. (1,200/1,000)
Wow, Pegasus wasn't kidding, thought Yugi. That is one realistic hologram.
Not that we can tell, what with the anemic description.
But that choice of monster might work to my advantage.
"I lay one card face down, and I summon Masaki, the Legendary Swordsman, also in Attack Mode!" he said. The armored warrior appeared on his side, brandishing his sword. (1,100/1,100)
It then humped the air, much to both their surprises.
"Ha!" said Walston, "Ya must be daft. My Panda can easily destroy that tin can. Frenzied Panda, attack that Swordsman!"
The Panda roared and charged forward; but before it could reach Masaki, a chain with a hinged jaw sprung from Yugi's side and caught it in mid-stride! The Panda howled.
"Did you even consider that my face-down car was a Trap Card?" asked Yugi, lifting it up. "How fitting that your bear be destroyed by the Bear Trap!" The Panda vanished, and Walston's Life Points fell to 1,700.
First, here's another recurring line - "Did you even consider" and variations.
Second, this is one of the most inexplicable departures from standard YGO rules in this story and the following - when a monster is destroyed by a card effect, its player loses 1/4 of its Attack Points from their Life Points. Brian eventually stated (though I can't find the source now) that even he isn't sure what he was thinking about with that one.
"Humph…" he said. "How clever of ye. Well I'll lay one other Monster in Defense Mode facedown, to end my turn."
"Okay," said Mary. "Yugi's off to a good start…"
"One turn down," said Clive, "and a whole tournament to go…"
They act like they actually fear he might lose. How naive.
Yugi sets a card facedown due to having no monsters in his hand, and Winston takes his next turn:
"Aye," said Walston. "And now why don't I flip this card into Attack Mode… the Belladonna Lady!" He put a card down and a figure appeared – a nymph-like woman covered in leaves. (1,000/900)
Generic Plant Woman is GO!
Belladonna Lady? thought Yugi. I don't like the look of that. I guess it would be safe to take her out – he has no cards face down, after all.
This is supposed to be our clever wins-every-tournament-he-enters hero. Seriously.
"Masaki, attack Belladonna Lady!" shouted Yugi. The warrior drew his sword, and charged; it smote the fairy and she shrieked. She vanished in a cloud of green dust.
"Looks like I trimmed your fairy's hedge," said Yugi.
...sometimes I hate having a filthy mind.
"Actually, lad," said Walston, "that was a Plant Monster, not a Fairy. And take a look at yer Swordsman."
"Huh?" said Yugi. He looked down, and Masaki was chocking and coughing. Suddenly, he collapsed on the floor and vanished. Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,725.
Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug.
"Didn't'a anyone ever tell ya that another name for belladonna was 'deadly nightshade'?" said Walston. "Belladonna Lady is both Monster and Trap – when she's destroyed by a physical attack, the attacker is destroyed too!"
"It's only a temporary setback, Yugi," shouted Mary. "You can still win!"
Maybe not, thought Yugi.
That's the thing about Duelist Kingdom rules - you get people thinking they're screwed after losing one monster. That's why nobody likes it when people write with Duelist Kingdom rules.
It's his turn now, and if he plays a Monster, I'd be wide open for a Direct Attack. Time for an indirect bluff.
"Well, that's the end of my move," said Yugi. "I can't do anything else."
His hand moved near his facedown card.
While his other hand openly moved towards his gun.
Walston himself was considering his options. I could play a Monster Card and make a Direct Attack against him, he thought, but I'm not about to fall for a Trap again. Better play it safe.
"I play Lunar Queen Elzaim in Defense Mode," he said, placing a card down. A female fairy with wings appeared on his side. (750/1,100)
Notice that a minute ago, Walston had a thick accent. Now he doesn't even think with one. The next time he thinks, he'll have an accent again. The only thing worse than not consistently writing an accent's thickness is not being consistent with its existence.
"That will be all for my move," said Walston.
Yugi drew a new card, and chuckled a little. "You should have attacked me, Walston," he said. He lifted up the facedown card. "This wasn't a Trap. But it is something useful that I'm going to use now."
"You should have attacked me" - another Corvello overused phrase making its first appearance. We're going to get tired of that one pretty fast, too, but not quite as fast as some others.
A golden gravy boat appeared over his side and started to pour its steaming contents onto the grid. "I'm using Mooyan Curry to raise my Life Points by 200!" Yugi's Life Points went up, to 1,925.
Who keeps curry in a gravy boat?
"And now, I will play the Needle Ball, in Defense Mode!" Yugi put the card down, and a grinning ball covered with sharp spikes appeared hovering over his side. (750/700)
"The Needle Ball?" said Walston in surprise. "What does that do?"
"That is for me to know, and you to find out," said Yugi. "That is the end of my move."
They must be playing in the dubbed version, since Walston can't read the card's text to find out what it does...
Well I don' like the look a' it, thought Walston, and I'd better take it out without touching it.
"I'll first shift Queen Elzaim into Attack Mode," he said. "Then I'll play this Equip card." He put a card down; a brilliant fairy appeared, and cast a spell over Queen Elzaim. Her stats went up to 1,150 over 1,400
"Elf's Light raises the power of Fairy Monsters!" said Walston.
NO IT DOES NOT. Elf's Light raises the Attack Points of a LIGHT-Attribute Monster equipped with it by 400 while reducing its Defense Points by 200. It's the Light version of Sword of Dark Destruction. Duelist Kingdom or not, Brian, this isn't the anime, you can't just make rules up!
Yes, there will be a "Card Errors" post collecting all the fuck-ups at the end, because I know I've missed a few already, but the ones I catch I'll give as big a hammering as I did here.
"Now, Elzaim, destroy that Needle Ball with lunar rays attack!"
The fairy cast beams of light from her hands. The spell hit the Needle Ball, and a great explosion shook the field!
"Hah!" said Walston. "I sent yer Needle Ball packin'!"
And how the hell is that "taking it out without touching it"? You deserve everything you're about to get.
"Hah!" said Walston. "I sent yer Needle Ball packin'!"
"True," said Yugi, "but take a gander at your Life Points!"
"Huh?" said Walston, looking down. His Life points started to fall, going down to 1,100!
"You see, Walston," said Yugi, "the Needle Ball is also both Monster and Trap. If you destroy it, your Monster will survive, but it deals your Life Points 500 points of Direct Damage."
NO IT DOES NOT. It's a Flip-Effect monster that deals 1000 Damage to the opponent's Life Points in exchange for 2000 of your own. That makes it unplayable by Duelist Kingdom rules. Where the crap does Brian get these "rules" from?
Walston was notably angry. "That will be all for my move…" he said.
"Wow, Yugi's doing great!" said Clive.
"Yeah," said Pete who was snapping photos. "I certainly hope the way stations DO sell film. I'm going to want to take pictures of ALL his victories!"
If this were YGO Abridged, Peter would be one of those characters where LittleKuriboh just uses the dub lines with "ACTUAL LINE FROM THE SHOW" at the bottom of the screen.
"And now it is my turn," said Yugi. He drew. "Well what do you know…"
He continued. "I'll first play a card facedown. And since you said you liked this card so much, I'll play it now. Behold the Celtic Guardian!"
The green-armored warrior appeared in all his glory. (1,400/1,200)
His minimal beige-prose glory.
"Now, Celtic Guardian, attack Queen Elzaim! Silver blade slash!"
The Guardian drew his sword, and with a downward stroke, he smote the fairy! She screamed, and vanished in a cloud of sparks. Walston's Life points dropped a further 250 points, to 850.
So she was a fairy robot, then? Or did he hit metal at the bottom of his arc? I don't think we're going to get an explanation for this one.
"That will finish my turn," said Yugi. "It's your move."
Walston drew… and smiled a big smile. "Ah'll be a'fightin' fire with fire," he said. "I play my own Celtic Guardian, in Attack Mode!" He threw a card down, and a twin of Yugi's warrior appeared. (1,400/1,200)
Then they did the old Marx Brothers mirror routine.
"Well, I think I'll end my turn there," said Walston, chuckling. "What ere ya going ta do now Yugi? You attack my Warrior, both of them will be destroyed!"
It's like the more Celtic stereotypes he plays, the thicker his accent gets.
Yugi drew, and a slight smirk came across his face. "You're too overconfident, Walston," he said, "and it will be your downfall. I now use this Equip card!"
At that moment, Yugi's Celtic Guardian sheathed his sword. Then another brilliant glowing sword appeared above him, and he grabbed it. The numbers below him increased to 1,700 over 1,200!
"The Legendary Sword increases the Attack strength of all Warriors by 300 points!" said Yugi.
Almost correct... but only almost. It actually raises both ATK and DEF by 300. Close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear conflicts.
"Now, Celtic Guardian, attack his Celtic Guardian!"
To Walston's horror, Yugi's Guardian raised the sword with both hands, and plunged it through his Guardian's chest! Walston's fell to his knees and vanished. His Life Points fell to 550 points!
But who cares about Walston's Celtic Guardian's Life Points?
"Way to go Yugi!" yelled Mary.
"That is the end of my turn," said Yugi. "And I'd be careful now if I were you."
"It isn't over until it's over, as a wise man once said," said Walston. "I'll first play a card face down; then I will use this card to summon the Trent, in Attack Mode!"
A rumble emitted from the grid, and an enormous tree grew on Walston's side. It then grew arms and a face. (1,500/1,800)
But does it spit leaves every time it talks? (That Yogi Berra quote is a favorite of Brian's. This chapter is like a groundswell of all his cliches.)
"That will end my turn," said Walston.
Huh, thought Yugi, making a draw. He's planning something… But my Guardian has enough Attack points to defeat that Trent's.
One of the greatest duelists around. Personally invited to this tournament by its founder herself, recognized by many far and wide. Just reminding you.
"Celtic Guardian, attack the Trent!" he yelled.
The Guardian raised his sword and charged… but before he got halfway, a pit opened beneath his feet. A scream, followed by vapors and an acidic smell emitted from where he stood. Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,425.
"Ye see, Yugi," said Walston, "I can lay Trap Cards too. Ye got careless, and never figured that my face-down card was the Acid Trap Hole!"
Now... In the real card game, Acid Trap Hole does nothing of this sort. It is used on facedown monsters, and if they have more than 2000 Defense Points, they are destroyed. However... in some of the earlier video games, Acid Trap Hole DOES destroy attacking monsters. Still, ignorance is no excuse.
At that moment, Yugi noticed the card he drew. "Well it's still my turn," he said, "and I'm going to use it. If you know anything about my father, you know well about this card: I summon the Dark Magician, in Attack Mode!"
With a blast of smoke, his father's favorite Monster appeared on the field – and true to Anastasia's word, he had never looked more lifelike. The numbers 2,500 over 2,100 appeared below him.
Here I'm almost inclined to give Brian a pass, because this is Yu-Gi-Oh, where the Dark Magician is the mascot and everyone knows what he looks like. But still, the anchor of the main character's deck, his connection to his father's legacy, really shouldn't be summed up in one sentence.
Whatever he's planning, thought Yugi, he'll never defeat the Dark Magician.
"That will complete my move," he said.
"So that's what he looks like, eh," said Walston. "This is indeed an honor. But it's my turn now, and I intend to make full use of it! Kid gloves are off. First I will use this card to summon King Fog in Defense mode!"
He threw the card down, and a foggy Fiend with a crown appeared. (1,000/900)
"Huh?" said Yugi "What does that do?"
"I'll show ye," said Walston. "Trent and King Fog, Fusion!"
The two monsters high-fived each other, and a bolt of energy shot down from the heavens.
"Combined, I summon the Rose Spectre of Dunn, in Attack Mode!" yelled Walston. The two Monsters disappeared, and an enormous rose sprouted from the ground; a blue skinned nymph crawled halfway out of the blossom. (2,000/1,800)
At least both these monsters have hands. Still...
Rose Specter of Dunn is a confusing monster for us on the east side of the Pacific, as it's never actually come out in real-card form. It's appeared in multiple video games, where the fusion components have changed over and over again. In some of them, any Plant and any Fiend of a certain ATK score can make her. BUT... in Japan, she's a real card.
Her components? Snakeyashi and Feral Imp.
I'm again half-inclined to give Brian a pass, though. Even with the Yu-Gi-Oh Wikia - which didn't exist when this was written - that's a pain in the dick to find.
"Wow!" said Clive. "What a Monster!"
"Who's side are you on?" asked Mary.
The side with proper grammar.
"I'm not through!" said Walston. He placed another card on the table, and an incense burner bearing a grinning, demonic face appeared before the Rose Spectre. Smoke started to pour from it.
"I'm aiding my Rose Spectre with Anti-Magic Fragrance!" said Walston. "This Equip card allows Plant monsters to enact the one-sided destruction of ANY Spellcaster, regardless of power!
It's a Trap Card. Now, Joey pulled this all the time in Duelist Kingdom, so who cares... Except its actual effect is that it forces you to set Magic Cards for a turn before you use them. Where he got this version, I've no idea.
Now, Rose Spectre of Dunn, thorn-spray attack the Dark Magician!"
Yugi gasped, as the Rose Spectre unleashed a storm of thorns, which impaled the Dark Magician! He fell to the floor, twitched for a second, and then vanished. Yugi's Life Points dropped to 800!
Mary gasped. "The Dark Magician?" she said. "Beaten?"
If I had video-editing software and a YouTube link, I'd attach a video of every time the Dark Magician has died. It'd be a really long video. Vanilla 2500s are pretty good, all told, but they do get their asses kicked now and then, Mary.
"That concludes my turn," said Walston. "Make yer move!"
Man, thought Yugi. He's getting better. I've got to do something quick… or I'll lose…
He looked at his cards. I don't have anything that will defeat that Rose Spectre, he thought. I'll have to hope for a good draw.
He reached for his deck. Remember Yugi, he thought. Heart of the Cards, Heart of the Cards…
Magical Heroic Topdecking Power is GO!
He drew.
"Yes!" he said, and placed the card down. "I summon the Swordstalker, in Attack Mode!"
A fiendish black knight appeared on the grid. (2,000/1,600)
So when your stately wise magician can't do the job, send in the creepy fuck with the sword.
"Yes it can!" said Yugi. "You see, the Swordstalker has a special power – when I play him, his power increases by 100 points, for every one of my Monsters that has perished!"
At that moment, the Dark Magician, the Celtic Guardian, the Needle Ball, and Masaki the Legendary Swordsman all appeared around the Swordstalker. Then, they all merged with the dark warrior! The numbers below him increased to 2,400 over 1,600!
Swordstalker doesn't have an effect. The anime gave it a rather vague effect. Brian gives it Shadow Ghoul's effect. And makes it sound like Imperfect Cell in the process.
"But that's not all!" said Yugi, raising another card. "I'm going to further augment my Swordstalker with this Equip card, the Sword of Deep-Seated!"
He placed the card down, and a nasty-looking dark blade appeared above the Swordstalker. His own sword vanished, and he seized the new one. The numbers below Yugi changed to 2,900 over 2,000!
Now here he's ALMOST right. The Sword gives the equipped monster 500 ATK and DEF. Please take a look at Swordstalker's DEF points and marvel at how Brian seems to go out of his way to screw up.
"Now, Swordstalker, attack the Rose Spectre!" yelled Yugi. "Blade of vengeance attack!" The Swordstalker charged, and cleaved the giant plant in half! It burst into flower petals!
Walston's Life Points were reduced to zero. The word "WINNER" flashed on Yugi's side. His friends cheered.
The victory was about as emotional as urinating.
Walston sighed. "Well done," he said. "You truly are your father's son."
He's not. Yugi Sr. lost now and then.
SCENE CHANGE to afterward:
"Well, Yugi," said Walston, after the duelist station had shut down, "I guess I owe you this." He handed him the Duel Jewel. "But I'll gain it back soon. I'm going to go all the way in this tournament. But in the meantime, I'll just stay in these woods and enjoy nature's marvelous beauty."
'cause he's a DRUID, you know!
Walston takes out the bagpipes for one last cliched joke, and the friends flee:
After they had gotten fully clear of the music, Mary was all over Yugi. "How about that, Yugi!" she said. "Only your first day, and already you have your first victory!"
"Yeah," said Yugi. "Great."
In his mind he was in turmoil. I know I should be happy, he thought, but something was happening up there.
"Why'd I get a stiffie?"
He looked down at his Millennium Puzzle.
About halfway through the duel, he thought, I could swear this thing started tingling…
It's the Gary Stu Alarm.
We SCENE CHANGE to Anastasia:
In the center of the island, in her control room, Anastasia Pegasus was watching their every move.
Without pants on.
"The beginning of Yugi's place in this tournament has been assured, in conjunction with the end of the day," she said to herself. "Sweet dreams Yugi… enjoy them while you can…"
Cliched villain line, check.
...oh, goddamnit, I just realized who shows up next chapter...
The title of this one is "Forces of Nature". This is a habit of Brian's - when not naming chapters after cards, he names them after something to do with the duel.
The four friends finally reached the end of the tunnel, and light reached their eyes. They were on a path in a dark forest. The elm trees were dark and foreboding, and very little light reached the path.
I might just be guessing, but I think it's dark.
"Okay guys," said Clive. "Keep alert."
"Man, already I'm getting good picture opportunities!" said Pete, taking out his camera. He shot a picture at a group of thorny bushes next to a bent tree.
Both of their characters in this entire fanfic, summed up.
"Yeah, well save your film," said Mary. "We don't even know if these way stations even sell such stuff."
Particularly if they're like Disney, which is surprisingly stingy about access to photographic supplies.
"Say, Mary," said Yugi, "I just had a thought. You have a Dream Clown in your deck, don't you?"
"Dream Clown?" said Mary. "I believe so…" She took out her deck and shuffled through it. "Yeah here it is. I don't use it much – it can paralyze an opponent's monster, but its power is only mediocre."
You've never seen someone whine about "Clown Control".
"Well, maybe you'd like to trade the cards we got from the Minotaur," said Yugi, holding up the Crass Clown. "I think this may be of more use to you."
"How come?"
"Well, individually, both cards only have mediocre power, as you say. But together they can form a Fusion into a powerful monster called Bickuribox."
"Bickuribox…" said Mary.
Mary's got Metal Gearing Syndrome, the poor thing. Selectively poor hearing for expository purposes is the curse of Corvello side characters.
"My dad mentioned that once or twice, but I've never actually seen it…"
"Maximillion Pegasus used it during our fathers' tournament," said Yugi. "It has Attack and Defense of over two-thousand, and it is one of the few monsters that gain a Field power bonus in a Toon terrain."
"Hmmm…" said Mary, looking at her Gift of the Mystical Elf. "Okay, deal!"
The two of them swapped cards. "Who knows," she said. "Toon terrains can be lethal, and someone here could be packing one..."
I'd say "HINT HINT", but the only Toon "terrain" that comes into play in this entire story is well after Bickuribox has come and gone. And yes, this "Terrain" crap is a Duelist Kingdom rules hangover.
"Well then," said Yugi. "Which of these signposts should we follow?"
Looking above them were several pointers made of wood, nailed to a post. Words were painted on them. The friends looked over them:
They all said "Where there are owls" except one, which instead declared, "Where there are no owls".
GROTTO OF DARKNESS
CHASM OF DESPAIR
PIT OF BARBECUE
"Hmmm," said Yugi. "Maybe later…"
A slightly clever moment that amuses me... And a search reveals he stole the joke from "Pinky and the Brain". Only switched "Glade of Woe" for "Grotto of Darkness".
The pointer at the bottom said "DUELIST'S STATION."
"You think any of our competition might be hanging around the station?" said Mary.
"It seems more likely than the Chasm of Despair," said Yugi. "Maybe we can… hold it."
Well, depending on the distance, you might as well not piss in the woods.
A sound started to come from ahead. It sounded like music – very bad music.
"Ugh," said Clive. "Sounds like someone is stepping on a cat."
Now, I know not everyone likes Rihanna, but that's kind of a low blow...
A figure came into view up ahead. He was dressed in green robes and sandals; around his neck was an odd-looking cruciform, and leaves decorated his hair and some parts of his clothing. He had a short brown beard and hair. A satchel was strung across his back. He was playing a set of bagpipes (the obvious cause of the noise) and he wore a wristband with three Duel Jewels.
Jesus Christ, how stereotypical can you get?!? And we're just getting started here!
I know they're an acquired taste, but I actually like bagpipe music. Most people who claim to hate it haven't heard it played by somebody who actually knows how to play it - played well, it's a hell of a lot better than you'd think. Same goes with accordions.
Yugi and his friends covered their ears when he came closer. They started to cringe. He stopped when he saw them.
"Judgin' by the looks on your faces, I can tell ya don't like the Scottish ballad," he said. "Well, I can do Celtic too if you like."
Um... Brian? Scotland and Ireland are different countries, and most Scotsmen (and Irishmen, for that matter) would kick the shit out of you for getting the two mixed together.
He started playing them again, and the new ballad was even worse. "Geeze, stop!" said Yugi, "its torture!"
"Aye, where are my manners," said the stranger. "The name is Walston Threetrees."
"Yugi Muto Jr.," answered Yugi. "I… say is that a druidic cross you're wearing?"
"Aye, that's because I'm a druid," said Walston.
The stranger paused and looked up to the sky. "All my life, I've been enthralled by the power a' nature. The land, the sea, the sky, they all speak in different tongues. This forest is such a beautiful part of the environment, that I've been here ever since I arrived three days ago."
I told you we were just getting started. A Scottish druid who talks about "the voice of the land" and plays the bagpipes. And people thought Bandit Keith was a stereotype.
Some days I really regret reading The Girl Who Lived, because seeing the word "druid" sets off bad memories in my subconscious now.
"You seem to have had some luck, too," said Clive. "You already have three Duel Jewels."
"Aye lad," he said. "I've already fought two Duelists; pathetic lads they were, couldn't'a barely see straight."
When writing an accent, determine how thick the accent will be at the start. Do not vaciliate on the matter later.
Then he turned to Yugi. "Say, did you say that you were Yugi Muto Jr.? As in the son of THE Yugi Muto?"
"Uh yeah…" said Yugi. "You've heard of him?"
"Of course, lad!" said Walston. "The man is legendary among duelists. Especially guys like me – what druid [I]couldn't[/I] admire a duelist who used the Celtic Guardian so many times?
Given that it has nothing to do with druidism (and is just "Elf Swordsman" in Japanese), all of them? Notice that Brian failed to clean up his formatting when he transferred the story off Pokemasters.
I myself once wrote an ode to his honor…"
And then he started to play his pipes again. The four youngsters covered their ears again.
"Stop, stop!" yelled Yugi. Walston stopped. "That's very flattering," said Yugi, "but the medium needs work."
We're three chapters in and I'm already hoping Walston shoves his bagpipes up our hero's ass. That's not a good sign.
Waltson challenges Yugi to a duel, and they head for the dueling platform (this being before Duel Disks were established).
As they walked in the direction of the arrow, Yugi thought to himself. Okay, he thought, this guy is a druid… ten to one says his deck is made up mostly of Beast, Plant, Fairy, and Beast-Warrior Monsters; and by the same logic, he'd probably stay clear of Zombies, Pyros and Machines. He'd likely be neutral in regards to anything else. Still, no one's deck contains ONLY Monsters…
First Rule of Brian Corvello Duels: Your Deck is your personality and vice versa. You are not allowed to play cards that do not correspond to who you are on a one-for-one basis.
They shuffle and draw.
Yugi shuffled his deck, and drew five cards from his it; Walston did the same. Yugi tried to keep a poker face, but inside he cringed – his hand had only had one Monster Card, and it was weak.
We're going to get very tired of the term "poker face" before this is over, aren't we?
"Okay," said Yugi. "As my father was fond of saying, it's time to duel!" The duel station came alive, and flickered with lights. The number 2000 appeared below each player.
"You go first," said Yugi.
"Sure ya don't mind?" said Walston.
"No, go ahead."
Best see what I'm up against first, he thought.
This is how it usually works in a Brian Corvello story - someone will either request the opening move or relinquish it. Nobody ever randomly determines it. He once got angry at me when I started several duels in a story with a coin flip.
"I summon th' Frenzied Panda in Attack Mode!" shouted Walston. A huge panda bear armed with a bamboo stick appeared on his side and roared. (1,200/1,000)
Wow, Pegasus wasn't kidding, thought Yugi. That is one realistic hologram.
Not that we can tell, what with the anemic description.
But that choice of monster might work to my advantage.
"I lay one card face down, and I summon Masaki, the Legendary Swordsman, also in Attack Mode!" he said. The armored warrior appeared on his side, brandishing his sword. (1,100/1,100)
It then humped the air, much to both their surprises.
"Ha!" said Walston, "Ya must be daft. My Panda can easily destroy that tin can. Frenzied Panda, attack that Swordsman!"
The Panda roared and charged forward; but before it could reach Masaki, a chain with a hinged jaw sprung from Yugi's side and caught it in mid-stride! The Panda howled.
"Did you even consider that my face-down car was a Trap Card?" asked Yugi, lifting it up. "How fitting that your bear be destroyed by the Bear Trap!" The Panda vanished, and Walston's Life Points fell to 1,700.
First, here's another recurring line - "Did you even consider" and variations.
Second, this is one of the most inexplicable departures from standard YGO rules in this story and the following - when a monster is destroyed by a card effect, its player loses 1/4 of its Attack Points from their Life Points. Brian eventually stated (though I can't find the source now) that even he isn't sure what he was thinking about with that one.
"Humph…" he said. "How clever of ye. Well I'll lay one other Monster in Defense Mode facedown, to end my turn."
"Okay," said Mary. "Yugi's off to a good start…"
"One turn down," said Clive, "and a whole tournament to go…"
They act like they actually fear he might lose. How naive.
Yugi sets a card facedown due to having no monsters in his hand, and Winston takes his next turn:
"Aye," said Walston. "And now why don't I flip this card into Attack Mode… the Belladonna Lady!" He put a card down and a figure appeared – a nymph-like woman covered in leaves. (1,000/900)
Generic Plant Woman is GO!
Belladonna Lady? thought Yugi. I don't like the look of that. I guess it would be safe to take her out – he has no cards face down, after all.
This is supposed to be our clever wins-every-tournament-he-enters hero. Seriously.
"Masaki, attack Belladonna Lady!" shouted Yugi. The warrior drew his sword, and charged; it smote the fairy and she shrieked. She vanished in a cloud of green dust.
"Looks like I trimmed your fairy's hedge," said Yugi.
...sometimes I hate having a filthy mind.
"Actually, lad," said Walston, "that was a Plant Monster, not a Fairy. And take a look at yer Swordsman."
"Huh?" said Yugi. He looked down, and Masaki was chocking and coughing. Suddenly, he collapsed on the floor and vanished. Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,725.
Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug.
"Didn't'a anyone ever tell ya that another name for belladonna was 'deadly nightshade'?" said Walston. "Belladonna Lady is both Monster and Trap – when she's destroyed by a physical attack, the attacker is destroyed too!"
"It's only a temporary setback, Yugi," shouted Mary. "You can still win!"
Maybe not, thought Yugi.
That's the thing about Duelist Kingdom rules - you get people thinking they're screwed after losing one monster. That's why nobody likes it when people write with Duelist Kingdom rules.
It's his turn now, and if he plays a Monster, I'd be wide open for a Direct Attack. Time for an indirect bluff.
"Well, that's the end of my move," said Yugi. "I can't do anything else."
His hand moved near his facedown card.
While his other hand openly moved towards his gun.
Walston himself was considering his options. I could play a Monster Card and make a Direct Attack against him, he thought, but I'm not about to fall for a Trap again. Better play it safe.
"I play Lunar Queen Elzaim in Defense Mode," he said, placing a card down. A female fairy with wings appeared on his side. (750/1,100)
Notice that a minute ago, Walston had a thick accent. Now he doesn't even think with one. The next time he thinks, he'll have an accent again. The only thing worse than not consistently writing an accent's thickness is not being consistent with its existence.
"That will be all for my move," said Walston.
Yugi drew a new card, and chuckled a little. "You should have attacked me, Walston," he said. He lifted up the facedown card. "This wasn't a Trap. But it is something useful that I'm going to use now."
"You should have attacked me" - another Corvello overused phrase making its first appearance. We're going to get tired of that one pretty fast, too, but not quite as fast as some others.
A golden gravy boat appeared over his side and started to pour its steaming contents onto the grid. "I'm using Mooyan Curry to raise my Life Points by 200!" Yugi's Life Points went up, to 1,925.
Who keeps curry in a gravy boat?
"And now, I will play the Needle Ball, in Defense Mode!" Yugi put the card down, and a grinning ball covered with sharp spikes appeared hovering over his side. (750/700)
"The Needle Ball?" said Walston in surprise. "What does that do?"
"That is for me to know, and you to find out," said Yugi. "That is the end of my move."
They must be playing in the dubbed version, since Walston can't read the card's text to find out what it does...
Well I don' like the look a' it, thought Walston, and I'd better take it out without touching it.
"I'll first shift Queen Elzaim into Attack Mode," he said. "Then I'll play this Equip card." He put a card down; a brilliant fairy appeared, and cast a spell over Queen Elzaim. Her stats went up to 1,150 over 1,400
"Elf's Light raises the power of Fairy Monsters!" said Walston.
NO IT DOES NOT. Elf's Light raises the Attack Points of a LIGHT-Attribute Monster equipped with it by 400 while reducing its Defense Points by 200. It's the Light version of Sword of Dark Destruction. Duelist Kingdom or not, Brian, this isn't the anime, you can't just make rules up!
Yes, there will be a "Card Errors" post collecting all the fuck-ups at the end, because I know I've missed a few already, but the ones I catch I'll give as big a hammering as I did here.
"Now, Elzaim, destroy that Needle Ball with lunar rays attack!"
The fairy cast beams of light from her hands. The spell hit the Needle Ball, and a great explosion shook the field!
"Hah!" said Walston. "I sent yer Needle Ball packin'!"
And how the hell is that "taking it out without touching it"? You deserve everything you're about to get.
"Hah!" said Walston. "I sent yer Needle Ball packin'!"
"True," said Yugi, "but take a gander at your Life Points!"
"Huh?" said Walston, looking down. His Life points started to fall, going down to 1,100!
"You see, Walston," said Yugi, "the Needle Ball is also both Monster and Trap. If you destroy it, your Monster will survive, but it deals your Life Points 500 points of Direct Damage."
NO IT DOES NOT. It's a Flip-Effect monster that deals 1000 Damage to the opponent's Life Points in exchange for 2000 of your own. That makes it unplayable by Duelist Kingdom rules. Where the crap does Brian get these "rules" from?
Walston was notably angry. "That will be all for my move…" he said.
"Wow, Yugi's doing great!" said Clive.
"Yeah," said Pete who was snapping photos. "I certainly hope the way stations DO sell film. I'm going to want to take pictures of ALL his victories!"
If this were YGO Abridged, Peter would be one of those characters where LittleKuriboh just uses the dub lines with "ACTUAL LINE FROM THE SHOW" at the bottom of the screen.
"And now it is my turn," said Yugi. He drew. "Well what do you know…"
He continued. "I'll first play a card facedown. And since you said you liked this card so much, I'll play it now. Behold the Celtic Guardian!"
The green-armored warrior appeared in all his glory. (1,400/1,200)
His minimal beige-prose glory.
"Now, Celtic Guardian, attack Queen Elzaim! Silver blade slash!"
The Guardian drew his sword, and with a downward stroke, he smote the fairy! She screamed, and vanished in a cloud of sparks. Walston's Life points dropped a further 250 points, to 850.
So she was a fairy robot, then? Or did he hit metal at the bottom of his arc? I don't think we're going to get an explanation for this one.
"That will finish my turn," said Yugi. "It's your move."
Walston drew… and smiled a big smile. "Ah'll be a'fightin' fire with fire," he said. "I play my own Celtic Guardian, in Attack Mode!" He threw a card down, and a twin of Yugi's warrior appeared. (1,400/1,200)
Then they did the old Marx Brothers mirror routine.
"Well, I think I'll end my turn there," said Walston, chuckling. "What ere ya going ta do now Yugi? You attack my Warrior, both of them will be destroyed!"
It's like the more Celtic stereotypes he plays, the thicker his accent gets.
Yugi drew, and a slight smirk came across his face. "You're too overconfident, Walston," he said, "and it will be your downfall. I now use this Equip card!"
At that moment, Yugi's Celtic Guardian sheathed his sword. Then another brilliant glowing sword appeared above him, and he grabbed it. The numbers below him increased to 1,700 over 1,200!
"The Legendary Sword increases the Attack strength of all Warriors by 300 points!" said Yugi.
Almost correct... but only almost. It actually raises both ATK and DEF by 300. Close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear conflicts.
"Now, Celtic Guardian, attack his Celtic Guardian!"
To Walston's horror, Yugi's Guardian raised the sword with both hands, and plunged it through his Guardian's chest! Walston's fell to his knees and vanished. His Life Points fell to 550 points!
But who cares about Walston's Celtic Guardian's Life Points?
"Way to go Yugi!" yelled Mary.
"That is the end of my turn," said Yugi. "And I'd be careful now if I were you."
"It isn't over until it's over, as a wise man once said," said Walston. "I'll first play a card face down; then I will use this card to summon the Trent, in Attack Mode!"
A rumble emitted from the grid, and an enormous tree grew on Walston's side. It then grew arms and a face. (1,500/1,800)
But does it spit leaves every time it talks? (That Yogi Berra quote is a favorite of Brian's. This chapter is like a groundswell of all his cliches.)
"That will end my turn," said Walston.
Huh, thought Yugi, making a draw. He's planning something… But my Guardian has enough Attack points to defeat that Trent's.
One of the greatest duelists around. Personally invited to this tournament by its founder herself, recognized by many far and wide. Just reminding you.
"Celtic Guardian, attack the Trent!" he yelled.
The Guardian raised his sword and charged… but before he got halfway, a pit opened beneath his feet. A scream, followed by vapors and an acidic smell emitted from where he stood. Yugi's Life Points fell to 1,425.
"Ye see, Yugi," said Walston, "I can lay Trap Cards too. Ye got careless, and never figured that my face-down card was the Acid Trap Hole!"
Now... In the real card game, Acid Trap Hole does nothing of this sort. It is used on facedown monsters, and if they have more than 2000 Defense Points, they are destroyed. However... in some of the earlier video games, Acid Trap Hole DOES destroy attacking monsters. Still, ignorance is no excuse.
At that moment, Yugi noticed the card he drew. "Well it's still my turn," he said, "and I'm going to use it. If you know anything about my father, you know well about this card: I summon the Dark Magician, in Attack Mode!"
With a blast of smoke, his father's favorite Monster appeared on the field – and true to Anastasia's word, he had never looked more lifelike. The numbers 2,500 over 2,100 appeared below him.
Here I'm almost inclined to give Brian a pass, because this is Yu-Gi-Oh, where the Dark Magician is the mascot and everyone knows what he looks like. But still, the anchor of the main character's deck, his connection to his father's legacy, really shouldn't be summed up in one sentence.
Whatever he's planning, thought Yugi, he'll never defeat the Dark Magician.
"That will complete my move," he said.
"So that's what he looks like, eh," said Walston. "This is indeed an honor. But it's my turn now, and I intend to make full use of it! Kid gloves are off. First I will use this card to summon King Fog in Defense mode!"
He threw the card down, and a foggy Fiend with a crown appeared. (1,000/900)
"Huh?" said Yugi "What does that do?"
"I'll show ye," said Walston. "Trent and King Fog, Fusion!"
The two monsters high-fived each other, and a bolt of energy shot down from the heavens.
"Combined, I summon the Rose Spectre of Dunn, in Attack Mode!" yelled Walston. The two Monsters disappeared, and an enormous rose sprouted from the ground; a blue skinned nymph crawled halfway out of the blossom. (2,000/1,800)
At least both these monsters have hands. Still...
Rose Specter of Dunn is a confusing monster for us on the east side of the Pacific, as it's never actually come out in real-card form. It's appeared in multiple video games, where the fusion components have changed over and over again. In some of them, any Plant and any Fiend of a certain ATK score can make her. BUT... in Japan, she's a real card.
Her components? Snakeyashi and Feral Imp.
I'm again half-inclined to give Brian a pass, though. Even with the Yu-Gi-Oh Wikia - which didn't exist when this was written - that's a pain in the dick to find.
"Wow!" said Clive. "What a Monster!"
"Who's side are you on?" asked Mary.
The side with proper grammar.
"I'm not through!" said Walston. He placed another card on the table, and an incense burner bearing a grinning, demonic face appeared before the Rose Spectre. Smoke started to pour from it.
"I'm aiding my Rose Spectre with Anti-Magic Fragrance!" said Walston. "This Equip card allows Plant monsters to enact the one-sided destruction of ANY Spellcaster, regardless of power!
It's a Trap Card. Now, Joey pulled this all the time in Duelist Kingdom, so who cares... Except its actual effect is that it forces you to set Magic Cards for a turn before you use them. Where he got this version, I've no idea.
Now, Rose Spectre of Dunn, thorn-spray attack the Dark Magician!"
Yugi gasped, as the Rose Spectre unleashed a storm of thorns, which impaled the Dark Magician! He fell to the floor, twitched for a second, and then vanished. Yugi's Life Points dropped to 800!
Mary gasped. "The Dark Magician?" she said. "Beaten?"
If I had video-editing software and a YouTube link, I'd attach a video of every time the Dark Magician has died. It'd be a really long video. Vanilla 2500s are pretty good, all told, but they do get their asses kicked now and then, Mary.
"That concludes my turn," said Walston. "Make yer move!"
Man, thought Yugi. He's getting better. I've got to do something quick… or I'll lose…
He looked at his cards. I don't have anything that will defeat that Rose Spectre, he thought. I'll have to hope for a good draw.
He reached for his deck. Remember Yugi, he thought. Heart of the Cards, Heart of the Cards…
Magical Heroic Topdecking Power is GO!
He drew.
"Yes!" he said, and placed the card down. "I summon the Swordstalker, in Attack Mode!"
A fiendish black knight appeared on the grid. (2,000/1,600)
So when your stately wise magician can't do the job, send in the creepy fuck with the sword.
"Yes it can!" said Yugi. "You see, the Swordstalker has a special power – when I play him, his power increases by 100 points, for every one of my Monsters that has perished!"
At that moment, the Dark Magician, the Celtic Guardian, the Needle Ball, and Masaki the Legendary Swordsman all appeared around the Swordstalker. Then, they all merged with the dark warrior! The numbers below him increased to 2,400 over 1,600!
Swordstalker doesn't have an effect. The anime gave it a rather vague effect. Brian gives it Shadow Ghoul's effect. And makes it sound like Imperfect Cell in the process.
"But that's not all!" said Yugi, raising another card. "I'm going to further augment my Swordstalker with this Equip card, the Sword of Deep-Seated!"
He placed the card down, and a nasty-looking dark blade appeared above the Swordstalker. His own sword vanished, and he seized the new one. The numbers below Yugi changed to 2,900 over 2,000!
Now here he's ALMOST right. The Sword gives the equipped monster 500 ATK and DEF. Please take a look at Swordstalker's DEF points and marvel at how Brian seems to go out of his way to screw up.
"Now, Swordstalker, attack the Rose Spectre!" yelled Yugi. "Blade of vengeance attack!" The Swordstalker charged, and cleaved the giant plant in half! It burst into flower petals!
Walston's Life Points were reduced to zero. The word "WINNER" flashed on Yugi's side. His friends cheered.
The victory was about as emotional as urinating.
Walston sighed. "Well done," he said. "You truly are your father's son."
He's not. Yugi Sr. lost now and then.
SCENE CHANGE to afterward:
"Well, Yugi," said Walston, after the duelist station had shut down, "I guess I owe you this." He handed him the Duel Jewel. "But I'll gain it back soon. I'm going to go all the way in this tournament. But in the meantime, I'll just stay in these woods and enjoy nature's marvelous beauty."
'cause he's a DRUID, you know!
Walston takes out the bagpipes for one last cliched joke, and the friends flee:
After they had gotten fully clear of the music, Mary was all over Yugi. "How about that, Yugi!" she said. "Only your first day, and already you have your first victory!"
"Yeah," said Yugi. "Great."
In his mind he was in turmoil. I know I should be happy, he thought, but something was happening up there.
"Why'd I get a stiffie?"
He looked down at his Millennium Puzzle.
About halfway through the duel, he thought, I could swear this thing started tingling…
It's the Gary Stu Alarm.
We SCENE CHANGE to Anastasia:
In the center of the island, in her control room, Anastasia Pegasus was watching their every move.
Without pants on.
"The beginning of Yugi's place in this tournament has been assured, in conjunction with the end of the day," she said to herself. "Sweet dreams Yugi… enjoy them while you can…"
Cliched villain line, check.
...oh, goddamnit, I just realized who shows up next chapter...
