Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter 4
Oct. 13th, 2011 10:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mancalledtrueI can't hide from it forever... Time to meet the single most irritating character in all of YGO Jr.
The title is "Blast From the Past". Don't you love accidental irony?
After a night of sleep under the stars (at least they assumed they were under the stars), the four friends woke up, but only feeling half refreshed.
Posers. I never get refreshment from sleep. Sleep is just something I do to keep from going insane.
"How'd you guys sleep?" said Peter, rolling up his sleeping bag.
"Awful," said Mary. "I kept thinking something was watching us the whole time, and something was moving in the bushes."
Well, back to sniper school with that lot.
"You too?" said Yugi. "Maybe someone has taken an interest in us since yesterday."
He flatters himself. Flatterers get the fist.
"Well," said Clive, "We'd best eat the perishable rations first; no telling when we'll find the first way station. I can cook if someone gets some good firewood."
This tournament's going to be murder on this poor island's ecosystem.
"I'll go," said Yugi. "It will give me a better chance to scout the terrain."
"I'll go with you," said Mary.
After a few minutes, Mary asked, "Uh, what exactly makes firewood 'good'? I mean isn't wood just wood?"
Yugi started to break branches off trees. "Well, live branches are better, and some varieties of wood burn easier than others…"
As a former Boy Scout, BZZZZ! Live branches are actually terrible as firewood because of their sap - most tree sap doesn't burn well at all. It's considered a needless assault on the environment to break off tree branches for firewood. If you want firewood, you look for fallen branches, preferably slightly off the ground.
He reached out to break a branch off a tree… and was surprised when it wouldn't break.
"Huh?" he said. He felt the branch. "Odd…"
"What is it?" asked Mary.
Yugi kicked the tree and it went "clang."
And then he hopped around for a half-hour clutching his broken foot.
"This tree is metal!" said Yugi.
"What?" exclaimed Mary. "Now why on earth would a metal tree be in the middle of this forest? What is it for?"
A lightning rod, to save the other trees in case of storms?
"Maybe…" said Yugi. "Look around it, see if there's a lever or a catch on it…"
The two of them felt around the tree, until Yugi felt one of the branches… it had a small button on it. He pushed it; a small, hidden door opened on the trunk, about three feet off the ground.
Someone poked a gun out through the hole and began to spray the forest with .50-caliber rounds.
Inside was a small burlap bag. Yugi took it and opened it.
"Blow! High-grade blow!"
"Ha!" he said. "Star Coins, dozens of them! That Minotaur wasn't kidding when he said to look out for secret caches."
"Well, we have to find a place to spend them now…" said Mary.
"And keep Peter from spending it all on hookers."
SCENE CHANGE back to the group:
Soon they were bringing the firewood back to the others. "Hey guys, guess what?" said Yugi.
"I'm a fucking TERRIBLE forester!"
Then a sound like a huge bird flying overhead reached them. They looked up, and all of them could swear that they saw a figure in green disappearing into the treetops.
"What the…?" said Mary.
"I suggest we be cautious while we eat," said Peter.
"Or else Robin Hood may attempt to steal our food."
SCENE CHANGE to after breakfast:
A makeshift breakfast later, they were back on the trail. "Now I know why this is called a 'Labyrinth,' said Clive. "It's easy to lose your way. Does anybody even know where we're going?"
You know, given that way stations and dueling platforms are so important, labyrinth or not, wouldn't the competitors get maps?
"Wait," said Yugi, "There's a signpost up ahead…"
Insert "Twilight Zone" joke.
They looked at the signpost. It pointed ahead and said "MONUMENT GARDEN."
"We might as well follow it," said Yugi. "Anything is better than these woods."
So you don't like nature. Not surprised you rip branches off living trees, given that...
After following the path for about five minutes, the forest finally broke, and they did indeed come upon a garden. Paths wove around beautiful flower gardens and lush bushes. But best of all were the statues. All over the garden were large stone carvings of some of the most famous – or sought after – Monsters in Duel Monster history. There was the Dark Magician with his scepter held up high. Across from him was Gaia the Fierce Knight astride his mount. Behind them were the infamous Exodia the Forbidden One, and the Mystical Elf in her peaceful meditative position.
I get that Duel Monsters is a major cornerstone of the YGO world (shut your fucking mouth, LittleKuriboh), and that this is a massive tournament based around it, but come the fuck on. Would anyone really spend all the money and time needed to build an entire goddamn statue garden around a card game? Even in this world? Yes, Seto Kaiba modeled his jet after the Blue Eyes White Dragon, but Seto Kaiba is a fifteen-year-old arrogant prick.
As the friends wandered through this beautiful garden, they suddenly stopped. The birds had ceased singing.
Tyranno stomped its way into the sculpture garden, roaring and breathing fire.
Then a cry that sounded like "Yiiiii!" came from behind, and a figure leapt onto the head of the nearest statue. It was a tall figure dressed in green samurai armor, wielding a katana blade.
The four friends drew back. Yugi stepped forward. "All right buddy, this has gone far enough. Who are you?"
The warrior flipped down from the statue and landed just ten feet away from them. She – yes she – removed her helmet, and long blonde hair fell down to her shoulders. Yugi then saw that she was wearing a wristband, with two Duel Jewels.
Place your bets which canon character she's supposed to be related to. Then ask yourself how the hell she ended up like this.
"Greetings, Yugi, Mary," she said. "I've been watching you." She sheathed her sword.
"I'll say it again," said Yugi, "who are you?"
"My name is Jade," she said. "Jade Valentine."
"Jade Valentine?" exclaimed Mary. "You aren't by any chance related to my dad's old friend Mai Valentine?"
"You might say that," said the warrior girl. "She's my mother."
"HUH?" said Yugi and Mary together.
Meet Jade Valentine, the single most annoying character in the entirety of YGO Jr. Why is she so annoying?
Simple.
Picture the stereotypical samurai character. Any half-assed cartoon from the low end of the late '80s or early '90s will do. In some of the worst cases, any stereotypical Japanese character will suffice. They talk about honor, speaking in clipped "my master says"-style sentences. They know martial arts, and they carry a katana. Expect words like "bushido" to be thrown around if the writers did enough research to learn the words. Expect these words to be used wrong.
These characters always have names like Lotus, Jade, Sakura, or the like.
Jade Valentine is the distillation of every pre-anime-boom samurai stereotype. And she NEVER improves or grows. Ever.
"My mother told me a great deal about Joseph Wheeler," she said, looking to Mary. "Thus, when I learned that his offspring would be in this tournament, I made it my immediate task to find that offspring – and see if she were any bit as good as her sire."
I don't think we ever find out who her dad is, by the way. We never explicitly learn who Yugi's mother is in this trilogy, but later material confirms implications that it's Tea. We do find out who Mary's mother is... as part of the most disturbing scene in the series.
"You sure don't talk like Mai did, from what I heard," said Mary.
"My parent and I are as different as night and day," said Jade. "She was boastful, arrogant, and prideful, at least until her duels with your fathers. I have chosen a different path – the way of the warrior.
You're as much a samurai as I am a gymnast, and about as Asian, too. You know that samurai are big on respect to their ancestors - INCLUDING their parents - right?
And its discipline serves me well. Watch."
She turned her head, and paused. A leaf fell from a tree above. With a flash, she drew her sword, and cut it in half.
She's so lucky "humility" isn't one of the Seven Tenets of Bushido. Not that Brian's ever heard of them.
"Your skill with a sword has nothing to do with your ability at Duel Monsters," said Yugi.
"True, yet both require discipline and focus, honor and concentration," she drew her sword and pointed to Mary. "Are you willing to accept my challenge, Mary?"
By now, most real samurai (the ones that actually held to the code - samurai were a social class, and there were as many assholes in the group as there were in any other) would be knocking Jade's sword out of her hand and giving her what-for...
Mary's eyes narrowed. "Fine," she said.
"Then follow me to the gazebo in the center of this garden. There is a duel station there." She sheathed her sword.
The gazebo pounced and killed them.
As Jade led the way, Mary whispered to Yugi. "My father told me a few things about Mai," she said. "Her deck was loaded with all sorts of Harpies and such."
"I wouldn't count on her taking after her mother," said Yugi. "She does seem completely different, from what I've heard. But don't worry – if you lose, I'll give you one of my Jewels. We'll try to stay together as long as possible."
That whooshing noise you heard was all the tension going out of this duel.
The gazebo surrounding the station was decorated with mosaics of dozens of Duel Monsters, and the station itself was painted with the same images.
After a while, tournament or not, you'd accept creepy clown paintings just to break the monotony.
The two of them seated themselves at opposite ends of the station. "I will give you the honor of making the first move," said Jade. "Anything to say before we start?"
A moment later, Jade blinked and wondered where Mary learned to swear like that.
"No," said Mary, "just let me say that I don't intend to go easy on you, even if our folks were friends."
They were more than that... The next time Brian Corvello wrote a story set in the future of the YGO world, the first thing he did was confirm that he'd paired Joey/Mai to alleviate the backlash.
They place their bets, Jade puts her helmet back on (why?), and the duel starts.
The number 2,000 appeared below each of them. The two shuffled and made five draws.
Huh, thought Mary. How lucky can you get?
Mary laid a card down. "I summon the Mystical Elf, in Defense Mode!" said Mary. The peaceful, blue-skinned elf appeared before her. (800/2000)
"Light shines on heaven..."
"Now make your move!" said Mary
Jade drew and studied her cards carefully, and then placed a card down. "I summon the Luminous Soldier, in Attack Mode!" she said. A swordsman in shining armor appeared. (1,600/1,400)
The pointy hood was a bit much, hologram-wise.
Incidentally, there is a monster by that name. It does not have those stats. The real monster is a 2100/1400 that, if this story was written before Battle City's release on American TV, was not yet released in English, and is called "Warrior of the Sun" in Japan.
No clue what this monster is. There's no listing for it in the created-card section.
"And now it's your move," said Jade.
Mary raised an eyebrow. That's certainly no Harpie, she thought.
Oh, goody, are we teaching the advanced class?
Oh well.
She drew.
Mary put another card down. "I summon the Guardian of the Throne Room, in Attack Mode!" said Mary. A golden robot on tank threads appeared. (1,650/1,600)
It's Robo! What's he doing in this fic? Should he fire his agent?
"I could get rid of your soldier with that, but my Mystical Elf's chanting raises the power of all Light Monsters by 800 points!" As she said that, the Guardian's stats were upped to 2,400 over 2,400!
WRONG. Anime Mystical Elf can give any one monster an Attack boost, regardless of Attribute. Notice also that Brian's screwed up his math on the Guardian's ATK by fifty points.
"Now, Guardian, rocket launcher attack!" The robot lowered its cannons and fired on the Luminous Soldier, blowing him to pieces!
"Wo-ho! Go Mary," yelled Clive.
Who the hell are you calling a ho, Clive?!? And why did his enthusiasm collapse on the second half of the line?
Jade's life points fell to 1,150
"That's the end of my move," said Mary. "Your turn." She grinned.
"Clever," said Jade, not even wavering, as she drew.
You know, it's not impressive that she didn't react to losing her first monster of the duel, even in a Duelist Kingdom rules game. I'm not going to be impressed that she didn't waver after one turn.
"But with a strong defensive monster in defensive position, you will be devastated when I play this Spell Card."
She placed a card down, and a cartoonish witch appeared, which then crumbled into vapor.
Jade blinked, and then called a mulligan.
"I'm playing Last Day of the Witch, which will destroy any Spellcaster!"
At that point, the Mystic Elf let out a cry, and then melted. Mary's Life Points fell to 1,500.
"And now," said Jade, "I first place one card facedown. Then I summon the Ogre of the Black Shadow in Attack mode!" A brutish barbarian appeared on the grid. (1,200/1,400)
Aw, goddamn it. That's my best friend's soul card. What the hell is it doing in this tramp's deck?
"And finally, I play an Equip card, arming the Ogre with the Axe of Despair." A primitive axe appeared above the Ogre, and he grabbed it. The numbers below upped to 2,200 over 1,400.
I wish it was the Japanese version, the one with a human head holding the blade to the handle. It'd clash so nicely with Miss Honorable-Warrior-Lady here.
"It's your turn," said Jade.
Huh, thought Mary. She seems to have stocked her deck with Warriors. Makes sense. But I can take down that Ogre.
"Guardian of the Throne Room, rocket launcher attack!" she yelled.
HOLD IT! Mystical Elf's effect only works on one monster a turn. The implication (though never shown) is that it WEARS OFF at the end of the turn. This should be a suicide attack!
The robot fired its missiles again – but they were stopped before they reached the target by a vortex of light!
"Did you forget about my face-down card?" said Jade. "It was my Negate Attack Trap."
"Did you forget about my BITCH SLAP?"
Also, get used to this line. Get really, really used to it. You'll see it in pretty much every duel from here to the end of Brian's authorial career.
"Hrrr," said Mary.
Is this a feminine version of "DERRRRRRRP"?
"I'll play Kojikocy in Defense." She put down the card, and the bearded Warrior appeared. (1,500/1,200)
"It's your turn now."
"So it is," said Jade, making a draw. "And I will now play the Stain Storm!"
"Wha? No!" gasped Mary.
I mentioned this back in "Operation: P.O.W.E.R.P.U.F.F.", and here it is now! START THE COUNT!
WHAT? NO!: 1
Clouds formed overhead, and a filthy rain poured down. The Guardian corroded into a pile of rust. Mary's Life Points fell to 900.
Nobody fucking cared.
"Useful for ridding the field of pesky machines," said Jade. "Now, my ogre, attack Kojikocy!"
The Ogre swung his axe, and obliterated Kojikocy.
Said and done. Said and done. Wibble wobble wibble wobble circle circle dot dot.
"That will be the end of my move," said Jade.
Man, she seems to rely heavy on the "instant death" Spell Cards, thought Mary.
Which would be a ridiculous, top-heavy deck theme in the real world. You can't really run a "magic bullet" deck in any CCG.
I've got to do something, or I'm going to lose. She looked at her cards. Could it work?
"Don't let her break your concentration, Mary," said Yugi. "It isn't over until it's over, as a wise man once said. I think it was some baseball player…"
We just heard that line last chapter! SHUT UP!
She placed a card down. "I first place a card face-down," she said. "And then I summon the Baby Dragon in Attack Mode!" A cute orange dragon appeared. (1,200/700)
"That will be all for my move," she said.
Jade's eyes never wavered, but under her helmet she started to sweat. I know what she's attempting, she thought. My mother told me about this strategy – she truly is her father's child. My Ogre could destroy that dragon… but that facedown card… can't risk her next move, I must attack!
Relish this moment, it's the only chink in Jade's armor for the entirety of this story.
"Ogre of the Black Shadow, attack Baby Dragon!" she yelled.
The Ogre raised his axe and swung it at the dragon; but before it could connect, it was blocked by a familiar nimbus of light!
"See, Jade," said Mary, "I can play the Negate Attack too!"
Okay, who stacked their decks for them? They drew the damn things almost simultaneously.
Jade sighed. "Well then, I'll play a card facedown," she said. "That will conclude my move."
Mary was sweating now. She'll destroy my dragon for sure if I don't draw the right card now, he thought. Remember what Yugi always says, believe in the Heart of the Cards…
Or the Whim of the Author, depending on circumstances.
She drew.
All right! She thought.
"Full house, jackass!"
"I play the Time Wizard, in Attack Mode!" she said. Her father's trademark Monster appeared on the field, a humanoid clock with a cape.
All of its numbers read "RAPE".
"Now, you're about to see a trick my dad taught me!" said Mary. "Time Wizard, use time roulette!"
Hope this works… she thought.
The Time Wizard thrust his staff forward, and the arrow on it started to spin…
Mary frowned when it landed on "You're fucked."
"Cross your fingers guys," said Yugi.
"I'm crossing them," said Peter.
"Cross your toes too," said Clive.
"Crossing them…" said Peter.
"Pray to God..."
"Praying to God..."
The arrow started to slow…
And it stopped, landing on a crown!
"All right!" yelled Mary. "And the time warp opens!"
Since they're in a forest, that should take them to 2600 A.D.
"[I]Time Magic![/I]" shouted the Wizard. A thundering vortex appeared above the whole station, and historical creatures and figures swept through it! The Baby Dragon grew into the Thousand Dragon, and the numbers below it changed to 2,400 over 2,000! At the same time, the Ogre of the Black Shadow collapsed, shriveled to bones, and then to dust. Jade's Life Points dropped to 600.
HOLD IT! The real-world Time Wizard will destroy all other monsters on a successful coin flip, but must be fused with Baby Dragon to make Thousand Dragon. Anime Time Wizard creates Baby Dragon by its effect, but it doesn't destroy enemy monsters - they grow old and suffer negative effects (Bandit Keith's Barrel Dragon rusts and loses a large amount of ATK, the Harpie Ladies grow too feeble to hold their Equips, etc.). PICK A VERSION, BRIAN!
Mary pondered. I could hit her for Direct Damage," but there's no telling what that facedown card is… and I can't risk the Thousand Dragon being destroyed by a trap…
"That will be all for my move," said Mary. "Just try to take down this guy!"
Never say that. It's like saying "You'll never take me alive." Nothing good ever happens.
Curses, thought Jade. I'll have to draw…
She drew, and then she stared right at Mary.
"Prepare to taste the fury," she said, "of the ultimate warrior!"
LOAD THE SPACESHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL, LOAD IT WITH THE WORDS!
She placed the card down. "I play the Yamoto the Noble Samurai, in Attack Mode!" A tall samurai in golden ceremonial armor appeared on the grid. (2,200/2,000)
I don't like this guy's existence, but he's not as bad as some of Brian's other creations. I allowed him into my CSR universe (as a racist bastard, but still).
"That can't defeat my Dragon," said Mary.
"It will in a minute," said Jade, flipping over her facedown card. "Because I now play this Equip card: the Ancestral Daisho!"
A shining katana sword with a bejeweled hilt appeared above the Samurai. Yamoto grabbed it, and his stats went up to 2,700 over 2,500.
A glance at the created-card section reveals that this is one of those created cards made for the worst possible reason - because you think it looks cool. It does nothing that another card that already exists doesn't do better, and it's more limited than any existing card. Nobody would ever play it in the real game. Why bother?
And by the way... "Daisho" is a portmaneau word. "Daito" is a long sword, "shoto" is a short sword. An "ancestral daisho" would be a katana and wakazashi that belonged to your ancestor. THEY AREN'T ONE SWORD.
"Now, Yamoto," said Jade, "katana blade attack!" The warrior ran forward and beheaded the Thousand Dragon in one swift stroke! It collapsed with a crash and vanished. Mary's Life Points fell to 600.
Uhh, thought Mary. She looked at her cards, and saw an Equip card. My fault. I should have hit her with Direct Damage. And if I had played this with the Dragon then that Warrior would never have beaten it. There's only one chance… if I can only stall long enough to draw the right card…
Well, at least ONE of our heroes can make stupid moves that aren't intended to be considered anything but stupid. Still, those are dangerous words in a Corvello duel: "stall long enough". It means we're in the boring part.
After some completely irrelevant moves, we get this line:
"That will end my move," said Jade. "Are you sure you don't want to give up?"
Later in the series, Jade gives a page-long rant about how surrendering a duel is a sin against God and country. Consistent characterization: something else Brian only vaguely recognizes.
Okay, thought Mary. It's crunch time… win or lose…
She drew another card. She then almost laughed out loud, but caught herself.
God forbid she do something so unfeminine.
"Okay, Jade," she said, placing the card down, "playtime's over." I'll first play Monster Reborn, to bring the Thousand Dragon back, in Attack Mode!"
Quotation-mark fuckup ahoy!
A rumble shook the station, and the Thousand Dragon crawled out of the ground! The numbers 2,400 over 2,000 again appeared under her.
"Oh?" said Jade. "I can just destroy it again…"
"Not this time," said Mary. "First I'll play the Gust Fan Equip card, which strengthens Wind Monsters, like this particular Dragon…"
A colorful fan appeared above, and the Thousand Dragon plucked it out of the air. Its stats changed to 2,700 over 1,800.
HOLD IT! Gust Fan, like real-game Elf's Light, is a +400/-200. Care to do the math? Because Brian didn't.
She then plays Dragon's Treasure and De-Spell (someone actually plays that card?), and the combined damage output ends the duel outright. Game over.
Jade clasped her hands together. "You have proven that you truly are worthy of your father's legacy," she said. "With honor, I admit defeat."
Now, if she were a three-dimensional character, we'd have her walk away and clasp her hands on either side of her helmet to hide her tears at failing. But she's not.
After the station had shut down, Jade removed her helmet, and handed the wagered Jewel to Mary.
"You'd best be careful now," said Mary. "You only have one left."
"I am not worried," said Jade. "I nearly defeated you; "I'm certain I can get it back soon."
Was that supposed to be one sentence or two? I get the feeling Brian changed his mind midway.
"Say, Jade," said Yugi, "Do you know where the nearest way-station is?"
"Certainly," said Jade. "Just follow the path running east of this garden for half a mile."
She then donned her helmet and turned to leave. "Farwell warriors," she said. "Perhaps we will meet again."
Hopefully you'll have learned proper spelling and comma useage (COMMA. TOMBSTONE.) by the time that happens... (SPOILER: They meet again. She hasn't.)
SCENE CHANGE to later, and finally I can finish this bastard:
As the friends followed the path, they spoke to each other about the duel in great detail.
"Who do you think we'll run into next?" asked Peter.
The next chapter is called "The Spirit Arises". That doesn't give me much hope.
"Who knows," said Mary. "Maybe we'll meet Bandit Keith's son."
"Ha!" said Yugi. "If that sleazeball ever even married, I'd be MORE than shocked."
Guess who Brian haaaaaaaaaaaates?
"Say, Clive, you've been awfully quiet," said Mary.
"Call it strange," said Clive, "but even during the duel, when Jade was right there in front of us, I could swear we were still being watched…"
The friends stopped and looked at each other. A chill overtook them.
Meanwhile, a flesh golem was trying to figure out why his scrying spell only ever looked up a woman's skirt.
Several hundred feet behind them, hidden behind a tree, was a man in a dark coat. He was taking notes in a notebook, jotting down information.
"Hmmm," he said to himself. "Miss Pegasus was right; both of them are quite good with the strategy… but I think after watching a few more of their duels we can come up with some good counter-strategies.
"Heh, she's going to give me a promotion for this!"
For the love of Christ... This is thirty years later, her father had security cameras all over Duelist Kingdom, and Anastasia Pegasus has to resort to having a guy follow them around with a notebook?
Brian Corvello, we're four chapters in, and your villain has failed. Failed and failed hard.
Created card section shows us that Yamoto gets a bonus when fighting Fiends (not that it mattered here) and that the Ancestral Daisho is really, really lame.
The title is "Blast From the Past". Don't you love accidental irony?
After a night of sleep under the stars (at least they assumed they were under the stars), the four friends woke up, but only feeling half refreshed.
Posers. I never get refreshment from sleep. Sleep is just something I do to keep from going insane.
"How'd you guys sleep?" said Peter, rolling up his sleeping bag.
"Awful," said Mary. "I kept thinking something was watching us the whole time, and something was moving in the bushes."
Well, back to sniper school with that lot.
"You too?" said Yugi. "Maybe someone has taken an interest in us since yesterday."
He flatters himself. Flatterers get the fist.
"Well," said Clive, "We'd best eat the perishable rations first; no telling when we'll find the first way station. I can cook if someone gets some good firewood."
This tournament's going to be murder on this poor island's ecosystem.
"I'll go," said Yugi. "It will give me a better chance to scout the terrain."
"I'll go with you," said Mary.
After a few minutes, Mary asked, "Uh, what exactly makes firewood 'good'? I mean isn't wood just wood?"
Yugi started to break branches off trees. "Well, live branches are better, and some varieties of wood burn easier than others…"
As a former Boy Scout, BZZZZ! Live branches are actually terrible as firewood because of their sap - most tree sap doesn't burn well at all. It's considered a needless assault on the environment to break off tree branches for firewood. If you want firewood, you look for fallen branches, preferably slightly off the ground.
He reached out to break a branch off a tree… and was surprised when it wouldn't break.
"Huh?" he said. He felt the branch. "Odd…"
"What is it?" asked Mary.
Yugi kicked the tree and it went "clang."
And then he hopped around for a half-hour clutching his broken foot.
"This tree is metal!" said Yugi.
"What?" exclaimed Mary. "Now why on earth would a metal tree be in the middle of this forest? What is it for?"
A lightning rod, to save the other trees in case of storms?
"Maybe…" said Yugi. "Look around it, see if there's a lever or a catch on it…"
The two of them felt around the tree, until Yugi felt one of the branches… it had a small button on it. He pushed it; a small, hidden door opened on the trunk, about three feet off the ground.
Someone poked a gun out through the hole and began to spray the forest with .50-caliber rounds.
Inside was a small burlap bag. Yugi took it and opened it.
"Blow! High-grade blow!"
"Ha!" he said. "Star Coins, dozens of them! That Minotaur wasn't kidding when he said to look out for secret caches."
"Well, we have to find a place to spend them now…" said Mary.
"And keep Peter from spending it all on hookers."
SCENE CHANGE back to the group:
Soon they were bringing the firewood back to the others. "Hey guys, guess what?" said Yugi.
"I'm a fucking TERRIBLE forester!"
Then a sound like a huge bird flying overhead reached them. They looked up, and all of them could swear that they saw a figure in green disappearing into the treetops.
"What the…?" said Mary.
"I suggest we be cautious while we eat," said Peter.
"Or else Robin Hood may attempt to steal our food."
SCENE CHANGE to after breakfast:
A makeshift breakfast later, they were back on the trail. "Now I know why this is called a 'Labyrinth,' said Clive. "It's easy to lose your way. Does anybody even know where we're going?"
You know, given that way stations and dueling platforms are so important, labyrinth or not, wouldn't the competitors get maps?
"Wait," said Yugi, "There's a signpost up ahead…"
Insert "Twilight Zone" joke.
They looked at the signpost. It pointed ahead and said "MONUMENT GARDEN."
"We might as well follow it," said Yugi. "Anything is better than these woods."
So you don't like nature. Not surprised you rip branches off living trees, given that...
After following the path for about five minutes, the forest finally broke, and they did indeed come upon a garden. Paths wove around beautiful flower gardens and lush bushes. But best of all were the statues. All over the garden were large stone carvings of some of the most famous – or sought after – Monsters in Duel Monster history. There was the Dark Magician with his scepter held up high. Across from him was Gaia the Fierce Knight astride his mount. Behind them were the infamous Exodia the Forbidden One, and the Mystical Elf in her peaceful meditative position.
I get that Duel Monsters is a major cornerstone of the YGO world (shut your fucking mouth, LittleKuriboh), and that this is a massive tournament based around it, but come the fuck on. Would anyone really spend all the money and time needed to build an entire goddamn statue garden around a card game? Even in this world? Yes, Seto Kaiba modeled his jet after the Blue Eyes White Dragon, but Seto Kaiba is a fifteen-year-old arrogant prick.
As the friends wandered through this beautiful garden, they suddenly stopped. The birds had ceased singing.
Tyranno stomped its way into the sculpture garden, roaring and breathing fire.
Then a cry that sounded like "Yiiiii!" came from behind, and a figure leapt onto the head of the nearest statue. It was a tall figure dressed in green samurai armor, wielding a katana blade.
The four friends drew back. Yugi stepped forward. "All right buddy, this has gone far enough. Who are you?"
The warrior flipped down from the statue and landed just ten feet away from them. She – yes she – removed her helmet, and long blonde hair fell down to her shoulders. Yugi then saw that she was wearing a wristband, with two Duel Jewels.
Place your bets which canon character she's supposed to be related to. Then ask yourself how the hell she ended up like this.
"Greetings, Yugi, Mary," she said. "I've been watching you." She sheathed her sword.
"I'll say it again," said Yugi, "who are you?"
"My name is Jade," she said. "Jade Valentine."
"Jade Valentine?" exclaimed Mary. "You aren't by any chance related to my dad's old friend Mai Valentine?"
"You might say that," said the warrior girl. "She's my mother."
"HUH?" said Yugi and Mary together.
Meet Jade Valentine, the single most annoying character in the entirety of YGO Jr. Why is she so annoying?
Simple.
Picture the stereotypical samurai character. Any half-assed cartoon from the low end of the late '80s or early '90s will do. In some of the worst cases, any stereotypical Japanese character will suffice. They talk about honor, speaking in clipped "my master says"-style sentences. They know martial arts, and they carry a katana. Expect words like "bushido" to be thrown around if the writers did enough research to learn the words. Expect these words to be used wrong.
These characters always have names like Lotus, Jade, Sakura, or the like.
Jade Valentine is the distillation of every pre-anime-boom samurai stereotype. And she NEVER improves or grows. Ever.
"My mother told me a great deal about Joseph Wheeler," she said, looking to Mary. "Thus, when I learned that his offspring would be in this tournament, I made it my immediate task to find that offspring – and see if she were any bit as good as her sire."
I don't think we ever find out who her dad is, by the way. We never explicitly learn who Yugi's mother is in this trilogy, but later material confirms implications that it's Tea. We do find out who Mary's mother is... as part of the most disturbing scene in the series.
"You sure don't talk like Mai did, from what I heard," said Mary.
"My parent and I are as different as night and day," said Jade. "She was boastful, arrogant, and prideful, at least until her duels with your fathers. I have chosen a different path – the way of the warrior.
You're as much a samurai as I am a gymnast, and about as Asian, too. You know that samurai are big on respect to their ancestors - INCLUDING their parents - right?
And its discipline serves me well. Watch."
She turned her head, and paused. A leaf fell from a tree above. With a flash, she drew her sword, and cut it in half.
She's so lucky "humility" isn't one of the Seven Tenets of Bushido. Not that Brian's ever heard of them.
"Your skill with a sword has nothing to do with your ability at Duel Monsters," said Yugi.
"True, yet both require discipline and focus, honor and concentration," she drew her sword and pointed to Mary. "Are you willing to accept my challenge, Mary?"
By now, most real samurai (the ones that actually held to the code - samurai were a social class, and there were as many assholes in the group as there were in any other) would be knocking Jade's sword out of her hand and giving her what-for...
Mary's eyes narrowed. "Fine," she said.
"Then follow me to the gazebo in the center of this garden. There is a duel station there." She sheathed her sword.
The gazebo pounced and killed them.
As Jade led the way, Mary whispered to Yugi. "My father told me a few things about Mai," she said. "Her deck was loaded with all sorts of Harpies and such."
"I wouldn't count on her taking after her mother," said Yugi. "She does seem completely different, from what I've heard. But don't worry – if you lose, I'll give you one of my Jewels. We'll try to stay together as long as possible."
That whooshing noise you heard was all the tension going out of this duel.
The gazebo surrounding the station was decorated with mosaics of dozens of Duel Monsters, and the station itself was painted with the same images.
After a while, tournament or not, you'd accept creepy clown paintings just to break the monotony.
The two of them seated themselves at opposite ends of the station. "I will give you the honor of making the first move," said Jade. "Anything to say before we start?"
A moment later, Jade blinked and wondered where Mary learned to swear like that.
"No," said Mary, "just let me say that I don't intend to go easy on you, even if our folks were friends."
They were more than that... The next time Brian Corvello wrote a story set in the future of the YGO world, the first thing he did was confirm that he'd paired Joey/Mai to alleviate the backlash.
They place their bets, Jade puts her helmet back on (why?), and the duel starts.
The number 2,000 appeared below each of them. The two shuffled and made five draws.
Huh, thought Mary. How lucky can you get?
Mary laid a card down. "I summon the Mystical Elf, in Defense Mode!" said Mary. The peaceful, blue-skinned elf appeared before her. (800/2000)
"Light shines on heaven..."
"Now make your move!" said Mary
Jade drew and studied her cards carefully, and then placed a card down. "I summon the Luminous Soldier, in Attack Mode!" she said. A swordsman in shining armor appeared. (1,600/1,400)
The pointy hood was a bit much, hologram-wise.
Incidentally, there is a monster by that name. It does not have those stats. The real monster is a 2100/1400 that, if this story was written before Battle City's release on American TV, was not yet released in English, and is called "Warrior of the Sun" in Japan.
No clue what this monster is. There's no listing for it in the created-card section.
"And now it's your move," said Jade.
Mary raised an eyebrow. That's certainly no Harpie, she thought.
Oh, goody, are we teaching the advanced class?
Oh well.
She drew.
Mary put another card down. "I summon the Guardian of the Throne Room, in Attack Mode!" said Mary. A golden robot on tank threads appeared. (1,650/1,600)
It's Robo! What's he doing in this fic? Should he fire his agent?
"I could get rid of your soldier with that, but my Mystical Elf's chanting raises the power of all Light Monsters by 800 points!" As she said that, the Guardian's stats were upped to 2,400 over 2,400!
WRONG. Anime Mystical Elf can give any one monster an Attack boost, regardless of Attribute. Notice also that Brian's screwed up his math on the Guardian's ATK by fifty points.
"Now, Guardian, rocket launcher attack!" The robot lowered its cannons and fired on the Luminous Soldier, blowing him to pieces!
"Wo-ho! Go Mary," yelled Clive.
Who the hell are you calling a ho, Clive?!? And why did his enthusiasm collapse on the second half of the line?
Jade's life points fell to 1,150
"That's the end of my move," said Mary. "Your turn." She grinned.
"Clever," said Jade, not even wavering, as she drew.
You know, it's not impressive that she didn't react to losing her first monster of the duel, even in a Duelist Kingdom rules game. I'm not going to be impressed that she didn't waver after one turn.
"But with a strong defensive monster in defensive position, you will be devastated when I play this Spell Card."
She placed a card down, and a cartoonish witch appeared, which then crumbled into vapor.
Jade blinked, and then called a mulligan.
"I'm playing Last Day of the Witch, which will destroy any Spellcaster!"
At that point, the Mystic Elf let out a cry, and then melted. Mary's Life Points fell to 1,500.
"And now," said Jade, "I first place one card facedown. Then I summon the Ogre of the Black Shadow in Attack mode!" A brutish barbarian appeared on the grid. (1,200/1,400)
Aw, goddamn it. That's my best friend's soul card. What the hell is it doing in this tramp's deck?
"And finally, I play an Equip card, arming the Ogre with the Axe of Despair." A primitive axe appeared above the Ogre, and he grabbed it. The numbers below upped to 2,200 over 1,400.
I wish it was the Japanese version, the one with a human head holding the blade to the handle. It'd clash so nicely with Miss Honorable-Warrior-Lady here.
"It's your turn," said Jade.
Huh, thought Mary. She seems to have stocked her deck with Warriors. Makes sense. But I can take down that Ogre.
"Guardian of the Throne Room, rocket launcher attack!" she yelled.
HOLD IT! Mystical Elf's effect only works on one monster a turn. The implication (though never shown) is that it WEARS OFF at the end of the turn. This should be a suicide attack!
The robot fired its missiles again – but they were stopped before they reached the target by a vortex of light!
"Did you forget about my face-down card?" said Jade. "It was my Negate Attack Trap."
"Did you forget about my BITCH SLAP?"
Also, get used to this line. Get really, really used to it. You'll see it in pretty much every duel from here to the end of Brian's authorial career.
"Hrrr," said Mary.
Is this a feminine version of "DERRRRRRRP"?
"I'll play Kojikocy in Defense." She put down the card, and the bearded Warrior appeared. (1,500/1,200)
"It's your turn now."
"So it is," said Jade, making a draw. "And I will now play the Stain Storm!"
"Wha? No!" gasped Mary.
I mentioned this back in "Operation: P.O.W.E.R.P.U.F.F.", and here it is now! START THE COUNT!
WHAT? NO!: 1
Clouds formed overhead, and a filthy rain poured down. The Guardian corroded into a pile of rust. Mary's Life Points fell to 900.
Nobody fucking cared.
"Useful for ridding the field of pesky machines," said Jade. "Now, my ogre, attack Kojikocy!"
The Ogre swung his axe, and obliterated Kojikocy.
Said and done. Said and done. Wibble wobble wibble wobble circle circle dot dot.
"That will be the end of my move," said Jade.
Man, she seems to rely heavy on the "instant death" Spell Cards, thought Mary.
Which would be a ridiculous, top-heavy deck theme in the real world. You can't really run a "magic bullet" deck in any CCG.
I've got to do something, or I'm going to lose. She looked at her cards. Could it work?
"Don't let her break your concentration, Mary," said Yugi. "It isn't over until it's over, as a wise man once said. I think it was some baseball player…"
We just heard that line last chapter! SHUT UP!
She placed a card down. "I first place a card face-down," she said. "And then I summon the Baby Dragon in Attack Mode!" A cute orange dragon appeared. (1,200/700)
"That will be all for my move," she said.
Jade's eyes never wavered, but under her helmet she started to sweat. I know what she's attempting, she thought. My mother told me about this strategy – she truly is her father's child. My Ogre could destroy that dragon… but that facedown card… can't risk her next move, I must attack!
Relish this moment, it's the only chink in Jade's armor for the entirety of this story.
"Ogre of the Black Shadow, attack Baby Dragon!" she yelled.
The Ogre raised his axe and swung it at the dragon; but before it could connect, it was blocked by a familiar nimbus of light!
"See, Jade," said Mary, "I can play the Negate Attack too!"
Okay, who stacked their decks for them? They drew the damn things almost simultaneously.
Jade sighed. "Well then, I'll play a card facedown," she said. "That will conclude my move."
Mary was sweating now. She'll destroy my dragon for sure if I don't draw the right card now, he thought. Remember what Yugi always says, believe in the Heart of the Cards…
Or the Whim of the Author, depending on circumstances.
She drew.
All right! She thought.
"Full house, jackass!"
"I play the Time Wizard, in Attack Mode!" she said. Her father's trademark Monster appeared on the field, a humanoid clock with a cape.
All of its numbers read "RAPE".
"Now, you're about to see a trick my dad taught me!" said Mary. "Time Wizard, use time roulette!"
Hope this works… she thought.
The Time Wizard thrust his staff forward, and the arrow on it started to spin…
Mary frowned when it landed on "You're fucked."
"Cross your fingers guys," said Yugi.
"I'm crossing them," said Peter.
"Cross your toes too," said Clive.
"Crossing them…" said Peter.
"Pray to God..."
"Praying to God..."
The arrow started to slow…
And it stopped, landing on a crown!
"All right!" yelled Mary. "And the time warp opens!"
Since they're in a forest, that should take them to 2600 A.D.
"[I]Time Magic![/I]" shouted the Wizard. A thundering vortex appeared above the whole station, and historical creatures and figures swept through it! The Baby Dragon grew into the Thousand Dragon, and the numbers below it changed to 2,400 over 2,000! At the same time, the Ogre of the Black Shadow collapsed, shriveled to bones, and then to dust. Jade's Life Points dropped to 600.
HOLD IT! The real-world Time Wizard will destroy all other monsters on a successful coin flip, but must be fused with Baby Dragon to make Thousand Dragon. Anime Time Wizard creates Baby Dragon by its effect, but it doesn't destroy enemy monsters - they grow old and suffer negative effects (Bandit Keith's Barrel Dragon rusts and loses a large amount of ATK, the Harpie Ladies grow too feeble to hold their Equips, etc.). PICK A VERSION, BRIAN!
Mary pondered. I could hit her for Direct Damage," but there's no telling what that facedown card is… and I can't risk the Thousand Dragon being destroyed by a trap…
"That will be all for my move," said Mary. "Just try to take down this guy!"
Never say that. It's like saying "You'll never take me alive." Nothing good ever happens.
Curses, thought Jade. I'll have to draw…
She drew, and then she stared right at Mary.
"Prepare to taste the fury," she said, "of the ultimate warrior!"
LOAD THE SPACESHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL, LOAD IT WITH THE WORDS!
She placed the card down. "I play the Yamoto the Noble Samurai, in Attack Mode!" A tall samurai in golden ceremonial armor appeared on the grid. (2,200/2,000)
I don't like this guy's existence, but he's not as bad as some of Brian's other creations. I allowed him into my CSR universe (as a racist bastard, but still).
"That can't defeat my Dragon," said Mary.
"It will in a minute," said Jade, flipping over her facedown card. "Because I now play this Equip card: the Ancestral Daisho!"
A shining katana sword with a bejeweled hilt appeared above the Samurai. Yamoto grabbed it, and his stats went up to 2,700 over 2,500.
A glance at the created-card section reveals that this is one of those created cards made for the worst possible reason - because you think it looks cool. It does nothing that another card that already exists doesn't do better, and it's more limited than any existing card. Nobody would ever play it in the real game. Why bother?
And by the way... "Daisho" is a portmaneau word. "Daito" is a long sword, "shoto" is a short sword. An "ancestral daisho" would be a katana and wakazashi that belonged to your ancestor. THEY AREN'T ONE SWORD.
"Now, Yamoto," said Jade, "katana blade attack!" The warrior ran forward and beheaded the Thousand Dragon in one swift stroke! It collapsed with a crash and vanished. Mary's Life Points fell to 600.
Uhh, thought Mary. She looked at her cards, and saw an Equip card. My fault. I should have hit her with Direct Damage. And if I had played this with the Dragon then that Warrior would never have beaten it. There's only one chance… if I can only stall long enough to draw the right card…
Well, at least ONE of our heroes can make stupid moves that aren't intended to be considered anything but stupid. Still, those are dangerous words in a Corvello duel: "stall long enough". It means we're in the boring part.
After some completely irrelevant moves, we get this line:
"That will end my move," said Jade. "Are you sure you don't want to give up?"
Later in the series, Jade gives a page-long rant about how surrendering a duel is a sin against God and country. Consistent characterization: something else Brian only vaguely recognizes.
Okay, thought Mary. It's crunch time… win or lose…
She drew another card. She then almost laughed out loud, but caught herself.
God forbid she do something so unfeminine.
"Okay, Jade," she said, placing the card down, "playtime's over." I'll first play Monster Reborn, to bring the Thousand Dragon back, in Attack Mode!"
Quotation-mark fuckup ahoy!
A rumble shook the station, and the Thousand Dragon crawled out of the ground! The numbers 2,400 over 2,000 again appeared under her.
"Oh?" said Jade. "I can just destroy it again…"
"Not this time," said Mary. "First I'll play the Gust Fan Equip card, which strengthens Wind Monsters, like this particular Dragon…"
A colorful fan appeared above, and the Thousand Dragon plucked it out of the air. Its stats changed to 2,700 over 1,800.
HOLD IT! Gust Fan, like real-game Elf's Light, is a +400/-200. Care to do the math? Because Brian didn't.
She then plays Dragon's Treasure and De-Spell (someone actually plays that card?), and the combined damage output ends the duel outright. Game over.
Jade clasped her hands together. "You have proven that you truly are worthy of your father's legacy," she said. "With honor, I admit defeat."
Now, if she were a three-dimensional character, we'd have her walk away and clasp her hands on either side of her helmet to hide her tears at failing. But she's not.
After the station had shut down, Jade removed her helmet, and handed the wagered Jewel to Mary.
"You'd best be careful now," said Mary. "You only have one left."
"I am not worried," said Jade. "I nearly defeated you; "I'm certain I can get it back soon."
Was that supposed to be one sentence or two? I get the feeling Brian changed his mind midway.
"Say, Jade," said Yugi, "Do you know where the nearest way-station is?"
"Certainly," said Jade. "Just follow the path running east of this garden for half a mile."
She then donned her helmet and turned to leave. "Farwell warriors," she said. "Perhaps we will meet again."
Hopefully you'll have learned proper spelling and comma useage (COMMA. TOMBSTONE.) by the time that happens... (SPOILER: They meet again. She hasn't.)
SCENE CHANGE to later, and finally I can finish this bastard:
As the friends followed the path, they spoke to each other about the duel in great detail.
"Who do you think we'll run into next?" asked Peter.
The next chapter is called "The Spirit Arises". That doesn't give me much hope.
"Who knows," said Mary. "Maybe we'll meet Bandit Keith's son."
"Ha!" said Yugi. "If that sleazeball ever even married, I'd be MORE than shocked."
Guess who Brian haaaaaaaaaaaates?
"Say, Clive, you've been awfully quiet," said Mary.
"Call it strange," said Clive, "but even during the duel, when Jade was right there in front of us, I could swear we were still being watched…"
The friends stopped and looked at each other. A chill overtook them.
Meanwhile, a flesh golem was trying to figure out why his scrying spell only ever looked up a woman's skirt.
Several hundred feet behind them, hidden behind a tree, was a man in a dark coat. He was taking notes in a notebook, jotting down information.
"Hmmm," he said to himself. "Miss Pegasus was right; both of them are quite good with the strategy… but I think after watching a few more of their duels we can come up with some good counter-strategies.
"Heh, she's going to give me a promotion for this!"
For the love of Christ... This is thirty years later, her father had security cameras all over Duelist Kingdom, and Anastasia Pegasus has to resort to having a guy follow them around with a notebook?
Brian Corvello, we're four chapters in, and your villain has failed. Failed and failed hard.
Created card section shows us that Yamoto gets a bonus when fighting Fiends (not that it mattered here) and that the Ancestral Daisho is really, really lame.
