Things I Fear: Intro and First
Oct. 1st, 2012 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mancalledtrueI'm going to try a theme this month. Since it's Halloween season, I'm going to run down thirty-one things that frighten me. A little or a lot, these are the objects, sensations or possibilities that scare me deep down inside.
And the first...
#1: DEATH
My oldest and greatest fear, the cause of all of my panic attacks, is the fear of death. Ever since I was a child, I have had a massive case of thanatophobia. I am terrified of dying and don't even like to consider it - to think about death for more than a couple of minutes causes me to have a panic attack.
I've never figured out why this is such a major concern, aside from the obvious. Everyone is a little afraid of death, after all. Most people don't have screaming fits that render them useless for several minutes at the mere thought of it. But as I've described it to a therapist, most people have a mental censor that cushions their senses from the world around them a little. Mine is damaged, and I more directly realize that I'm alive, and experiencing the world.
Which means I know that, at some point, all of this will be yanked out of my hands violently, never to be returned. And I have no idea what will follow it.
And the first...
#1: DEATH
My oldest and greatest fear, the cause of all of my panic attacks, is the fear of death. Ever since I was a child, I have had a massive case of thanatophobia. I am terrified of dying and don't even like to consider it - to think about death for more than a couple of minutes causes me to have a panic attack.
I've never figured out why this is such a major concern, aside from the obvious. Everyone is a little afraid of death, after all. Most people don't have screaming fits that render them useless for several minutes at the mere thought of it. But as I've described it to a therapist, most people have a mental censor that cushions their senses from the world around them a little. Mine is damaged, and I more directly realize that I'm alive, and experiencing the world.
Which means I know that, at some point, all of this will be yanked out of my hands violently, never to be returned. And I have no idea what will follow it.
