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mancalledtrueAs opposed to other chapters, stuff actually happens in this one!
The title's "A Different Hue". Yes, Brian does like to make jokes off of the villains of his chapters, as the last three have made clear.
We open with:
The next morning, a limo was driving the Delightful Children, along with their new partner, towards the Bulls Eye Diner. Both sides were very upset, mostly at each other.
"So," said the Delightful Children, "The perfect plan, you said. Your stupid friend's hair couldn't fight her way out of a paper bag!"
"Oh, come now!" said Mojo. "Your dumb chef didn't come any closer to defeating my enemies than Seduca did to defeating yours! Attacking the Girls with food – that was the silliest idea I have ever heard... although I must say it did score points for creativity, but still, it was pathetic!"
I've heard worse plans. At least you didn't attack the Mayor with hummus.
The Delightful Children inform Mojo that they'll think up the next plan, with the aid of an ally:
They got out of the limo. Mojo draped an overcoat over himself and followed them into the diner.
I guess if it works for the Ninja Turtles, it'll work for him.
Inside, they met their source. Again, he had the newspaper covering his face.
"So," he said. "The plan didn't work, did it?"
"No," said Mojo. "And you can thank the company these bumblers keep for that."
Weird. Either Brian has him overly redundant, or not redundant at all.
"Indeed," said the boy. "But your plan was flawed from the start. What you need to do is not make two attacks at once, but coordinate your forces on your enemies at the same time..."
Ah, good, a villain who knows his Sun Tzu.
He sipped his orange juice.
"And for that, perhaps I can be of assistance."
He put his newspaper down, and the blonde teenager stared at them.
"What are you getting at, Chad?" said the Delightful Children. They scowled. "Or do you prefer your old title, 'Numbah 274'?"
Dun-dun-dunnnnn! Not that it wasn't obvious three chapters ago. Brian had already estabished Cree wasn't going to be in the picture, and few KND villains have inside knowledge of the organization.
After some establishing that the Delightful Children and Chad aren't on good terms, Chad states that he'll be happy to help them with their next attack:
"I can easily start a rumor that will bring them out into a trap. But I'm not doing it alone. And I'm going to need more than my old 2x4 armor to do so."
Mojo thought for a moment.
"Armor, huh?" he said. "I think I know someone perfect..."
"If I could just remember where I left my Stud Cards."
SCENE CHANGE back to the limo (sadly, Margaret is not involved):
After a few minutes, they were all back in the limo. Mojo was dialing his cell phone.
"Are you sure about this, Mojo?" said Chad.
"Trust me," said Mojo. "I've worked with this individual several times, and she's the perfect one for the job."
The phone rang.
"Yes," said an accented voice on the end. "Morebucks manor, may I help you?"
"Damn it, I called Little Orphan Annie by mistake."
"Yes, is the lady of the house in?" said Mojo.
"May I ask who is calling?" said the servant, in a rude voice.
"A friend!" said Mojo. "It is none of your concern!"
In the background, Mojo could hear someone loading a shotgun and a few words to the effect of "fourth time this week" and "keep them on the line until the trace is finished."
"Listen," said the servant. "If Miss Morebucks wants to talk to strangers, she can take the phone book and look them up herself. I have no time for..."
"GIMME THAT!" said a voice on the other end. The sound of a crash was heard.
Mojo wondered why he kept calling people just before earthquakes hit.
"Princess speaking!" said a sweet voice. "Is that you Mojo?"
"Yes," he responded. "How are things?"
"Come on, Mojo, you know the rules. $9.99 a minute and you give your credit card up front."
"How am I?" said Princess. "How are YOU? Word is you escaped from jail, but you haven't been seen since! And word on the street is that a new villain appeared in Townsville and took on the Powerpuff Girls... some old lady who could bring food to life! Strange things are happening..."
"Wait, why didn't it take you five minutes to say hi? Is this really Mojo?"
"I can explain," said Mojo. "Listen, I was wondering how you were coming along on your self-contained, dark-matter powered, super-destructo, exoskeletal armor?"
"Dark-mattered powered"? What, does she keep a Nibblonian in her backyard?
"Only have to test it!" said Princess. "Once I'm done, the Powerpuff Girls are gonna be nothing more than pink, blue, and green puddles on the ground!"
"Yes, listen," said Mojo. "How long would it take you to make another one for a thirteen-year-old boy?"
Princess paused.
"Why?" she said.
"Because I'm really desperate. You don't want the details."
"I have a plan for our mutual benefit," said Mojo. "I have new allies, and they can help us reach new heights of criminal perfection! All you have to do is get here with your engineers, build the armor, and we can destroy our enemies once and for all! With a little extra in it for everyone..."
"We can rule the galaxy as monkey and girl!"
Princess thought.
"Okay," she said. "They can do it in about two days once they get measurements. Where do I show up?"
After Mojo had hung up the phone, the Delightful Children spoke up.
"Two days?" they said. "That will be a while..."
"This story is going to be overlong as it is!"
"Do not worry," said Mojo, writing down something on a slips of paper. He handed one to them.
"Send one of your agents to this location in Townsville and tell the residents to come here. Give them this other note."
He handed it to them.
The Delightful Children glanced at it and then glared back at Mojo. "That's disgusting!"
"They'll provide a distraction that will keep the Kids Next Door busy and make them nervous enough to make them easy prey..."
"Don't these guys have a telephone?" said the Children.
"No. They cannot afford one yet."
I was going to comment, but then I remembered that when the Gangreen Gang sent the PPG on that series of wild goose chases, they broke into the Mayor's office and used the Hotline.
SCENE CHANGE to the next morning at the Treehouse (seriously, what happened to their families?):
The next morning, the team was eating cereal around the table, when an alarm came on.
"PERIMETER ALERT!" it said. "PERIMETER ALERT!" it said.
The team sprang to their feet and grabbed their weapons.
"It's another crossover author. Go for the eyes!"
"All right," said Numbah Four. "I'll blast whoever comes in before he knows he's in!"
Numbah One looked out the window.
"Calm down everyone," he said. "It's only Lizzie."
"Oh," said Numbah Four. "Can I blast her anyway?"
"No!" said Numbah One, opening the door.
And then Numbah Five did it anyway. When asked later, she replied, "Shippers made me do it."
Lizzie rushed in, with a worried look on her face.
"Guys, Nigie!" she said. "I'm glad you're all right!"
"What's the problem, Lizzie?" said Numbah Two.
"I just found out we're trapped in a really boring fanfic!"
"Graffiti!" she said.
"Huh?" said Numbah Five.
"Um, Lizzie," said Numbah One, "We're the Kids Next Door, not the police. Vandalism is not out department."
"Our department". And as we'll see soon, it apparently is their department on places they like.
"No, you don't understand!" said Lizzie. "Look!"
She held up a color photograph she had taken, and the team gasped.
The photo showed an elaborate graffiti painting on a wall, which was very gruesome. The picture was of the five operatives... lying on the ground, skewered with knives! Numbah Three shrieked.
"My god, that's terrible perspective usage!"
"Are they all like that?" said Numbah Four.
"No," said Lizzie. "Some are even more gruesome!"
"Some of them are Cubist!"
"Numbah Five thinks someone is trying to send us a message," said Numbah Five.
"Whoever made this painting was obviously a graffiti artist of great skill," said Numbah One. "And one person couldn't have done it alone. I'm afraid we're not just dealing with teenagers team... we're dealing with a gang!"
Numbah Three shrieked again.
"Numbah Four, could you shut her up? I can't concentrate with her being the shrieking woman for this fic!"
"And we've got to get to the bottom of this vandalism and find out what twisted 'message' it is that they're tying to send us! Numbah Five, you and I will scope out the east half of town. Three and Four, you take the west half. Numbah Two, you scan the air using the S.K.Y.C.L.A.W. anyone who sees anything suspicious report back to the others, and we'll engage the enemy en masse."
"And remember, fill it up before you bring it home!"
"What do I do?" said Lizzie.
Numbah One thought. Maybe she could help them.
"Lizzie, see if you can glean any information from any kids you know, and call me if you find out anything important. But under no circumstances are you to confront the graffiti artists! Is that clear?"
It's always a pain when the boss puts his chick in the plan.
Lizzie acknowledges, and the team sets out in yet another silly-named machine (this one abusing "kool" for "cool").
One SCENE CHANGE later:
"Disgusting!" said Numbah Five.
"Look at all the dead hookers!"
She and Numbah One had already seen elaborate graffiti paintings at the pizza parlor, video arcade, ice cream parlor, and public swimming pool, all of them depicting the team or individual members having suffered violent, bloody deaths. Naturally, the owners of the places were not happy, and the police were checking it out. Numbah One almost considered asking them, but asking adults for help was never wise for KND operatives – asking members of law enforcement was even less wise. He suspected that the Delightful Children – or their dad – had a few members of the police department on the take anyway. Likely the reason why the police never bothered helping the Kids Next Door.
Or maybe it's because you have such a low opinion of adults that you never ask for that help. I understand that the whole "adults are useless" thing comes from canon, but it really amounts to the last thing you want to teach kids.
He took out his communicator.
"Numbah Three, Numbah Four, what have you got?" he said.
"A lot of gross, yucky graffiti everywhere!" said Numbah Three, noticeably angry. The one they were looking at right now involved her specifically, and it depicted her being mauled by demonic Rainbow Monkeys.
"You'd tell me if my butt was that big, right?"
"It's bad, Numbah One," said Four. "We've got our dismembered corpses painted over the comic book store, the movie theater, the Toys R Us, and at least three fast food places. Whoever did this is a real sicko..."
Wait, are there really Toys R Us stores in this universe as opposed to funny-named copyright-dodging expies?
At that point, the phone rang with Numbah Two's signal.
"Yeah?" said Numbah One, turning on the five-way communication.
"I'm hovering over Hap-Happy Land, chief," said Two, "and it's a mess! The whole east wall is covered with the worst one yet. Say, am I really that fat?"
Numbah One ignored that comment and considered the information. "Obviously," he said.
"You son of a bitch!" Numbah Two yelled, and then the line filled with static as he turned his communicator off. Apparently by throwing it through a rotor.
Numbah One figures out that they're targeting kid hangouts, and we have a SCENE CHANGE:
An hour later, Three and Four were walking the street, mustard gun and jalapeno gun drawn.
"When I find whoever's doing this," said Four, "I'm gonna shove his can of spray paint down his throat! And then I'm gonna punch him in the gut and make him cough it up, and shove it down his throat again! And then I'm gonna..."
"Shhh!" said Three.
"Whaddaya mean 'Shhh'?" said Four.
"Listen!" she said.
“I think I hear the author planning something nasty!”
Sounds of "Psspt! Psspt!" were coming from around the corner.
Either someone’s using spraypaint, or it’s Hollywood whispering.
They turned the corner, and saw five figures in front of the Dragon's Dungeon Hobby Shop. They were in the process of starting to take spray paint to the wall.
Now Numbah Four was VERY upset. He bought all his Yu-Gi-Oh! cards there!
Okay, now Brian’s just inserting his pop culture tastes. Why would Yu-Gi-Oh exist in the KND/PPG universe? (Brian used to have a fic where the KND and their villains held a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament, but he seems to have taken it down.)
"Bunch a..." he said, getting ready to charge.
"Shhh!" said Three, taking out her communicator.
"Numbah One!" she whispered. "We see them! Five teenagers... and they're really ugly!"
“They don’t even have the same art style!”
"Ugly?" said One.
"Yeah!" she responded. "Kinda like scary green zombies! We're at the Dragon's Dungeon."
"Keep them in sights," said Numbah One. "The rest of us will be there in ten."
I shouldn’t think this way about a kid’s fic, but that’s just enough time for a quickie… Also, shouldn’t that be “she replied”?
As he called Two to pick them up, Three and Four watched the five strange teenagers, and they heard talking.
A tall, apparent leader was showing them a sketch, and they were working off of it.
"Uh, Ace?" said another tall one. "Remind me again why we came all this way just to spray paint on walls?"
"Look Snake," said Ace.
I can look lively, and I can look out for myself, but I can’t look Snake.
"If Mojo wants to pay us to come here and do what we'd do for free in Townsville, then I ain't compainin'! So just follow the sketch he gave us, alright?"
Then the biggest one spoke up.
"Uh, but Ace, dint Mojo beats us up once?" he said.
"Look Big Billy, what are you stupid?" said Ace.
They all looked at him.
"Forget I said that," said Ace. "For the kind of money he's payin' us, I'd work for anyone!"
“It’s called capitalism, dumbass!”
Also, what is the stupid? Don’t leave us hanging!
A smaller one spoke up.
"But what if these Kids Next Door kids come looking for us?" he asked.
"Arturo, don't you think the Gangreen Gang can handle a few normal ten-year-olds? 'Sides, I got a plan in case they show their faces..."
“It involves a duck and a bottle rocket.”
Time passes:
Fifteen minutes later, the Gang had completed their latest work. "Well guys, a job well done..."
"And that will be quite enough, weirdoes!" said Numbah One's voice.
The five punks turned around and saw the five members of the team leveling their weapons at them.
“You’re calling US weirdoes?!? You’re ten years old and bald as a bowling ball!”
The KND order them to drop their weapons, at which point the Gangreen Gang sound off about how they’re unarmed (save for Big Billy, who nearly gives the game away and gets punched in the face.)
"We mean it!" said One, as his team aimed. "You've got to the count of ten to raise 'em!"
"Looks like they've got us!" said Ace, raising his hands.
"Oops," he said. "Dropped something!"
A small capsule fell from his hand, and when it hit the ground, smoke started to rise, covering him and his gang.
"Fire!" said Numbah One.
“Kill indiscriminately!”
Also: I won’t even bother pointing out the paragraphing fail in the future.
The team fired their weapons into the cloud, but when the smoke cleared, they weren't there.
"Hold your fire!" said One.
“I think we just did more damage to the shop than they did… Oops.”
The gang ran off down 39th Street, which leads to the local junkyard. Numbah One smells ambush, but they pursue anyway.
SCENE CHANGE to the junkyard, where the gang awaits their pursuers::
"Hey Billy," said Arturo. "Look at this!"
He picked up an old Bart Simpson doll. Billy pulled the cord on the back.
"Eat my shorts!" said the doll.
"Okay!" said Billy. He took the pants off the doll and swallowed them.
"Mmmm... shorts!" he said.
BLATANT THEFT ALERT! I guess I was wrong about Brian only watching kid’s shows. He at least watched enough Futurama to steal that joke.
The KND bust in, but Grubber hits the switch on an electromagnetic crane, securing their weapons:
"Note to self," said Numbah Two, nervously. "Design more wooden weapons..."
Sure, make them even more useless!
Both sides prepare for melee:
Ace rolled up his sleeves.
"All right team," said Numbah One. "Stay focused... Five of them, five of us..."
"Thing you can take us, freaks?" he said. "We've gone head to head with the Powerpuff Girls!"
"Yeah?" said Numbah Two. "That likely consisted of them hitting you in the heads, your heads hitting the wall, and you all waking up in the hospital with big headaches!"
Numbah Five paused and turned to him.
"You know," she said. "That one wasn't half bad..."
"Really?" said Two.
“Just kidding, that one sucked, too.”
Battle is joined as we SCENE CHANGE to Delightful Manor:
"Okay," said Princess to her hired engineers. "Just make it the way you made the other one."
“And Barry, no more hitting the ‘Suck’ knob on your welding torch!”
Chad and Mojo discuss why Princess is an enemy of the PPG:
"She kind of wants everything..." whispered Mojo to Chad. "And when there's something that she just can't have, no matter how much money she has, well, she gets mad..."
"I heard that Mojo!" said Princess. "What are you, a psychologist or something? I don't want everything..."
"Oh, really?" he said. "Name one thing you don't want," he said.
Princess stopped short. She thought for a minute.
"Um... New Mexico," she said.
Chad and Mojo burst out laughing.
"New Mexico?" said Chad.
"I don't like New Mexico!" she said. "It's hot, and dry, and..."
My apologies to my New Mexico readership, but… frankly, I kind of get her point. What is there to do in New Mexico?
The Delightful Children enter and make it clear to both Chad and Princess that they’ll have to work together, like it or not:
"Didn't I see these kids on Children of the Corn?" said Princess to Chad.
"Oh for the love of!" shouted the Delightful Children turning to Princess. "How many times are people going to make a joke comparing us to the Children of the Corn? We're nothing like the Children of the Corn! How would you like it if the other villains asked us what YOU were like, and we said 'have you ever seen The Omen'?"
"I don't think I've seen that one..." said Princess, nervously. "I should rent more movies..."
…Princess I can see watching that movie. And I really hope this is the “payoff”, because the running gag felt shoehorned in to start with.
SCENE CHANGE back to the battle, because we aren’t that lucky:
Most people assumed that as the brains of the group, Numbah Two was more or less a lightweight in the fighting department. That wasn't completely true. While it was true he probably the least skilled fighter on his team, no member of the KND organization gets anywhere without some combat training, as Grubber was about to find out.
Because no hero can ever have weak spots in a Corvello fic.
"Hey Quasimodo," he said. "Mind if I ring your bell?"
He punched Grubber in the face twice, and the punk fell down, stunned. His tongue lolled out of his mouth.
"Numbah Two, quit while you're ahead," said Five.
Actually, that was better than his last one-liner…
Numbah Five takes out Lil Arturo in a scene not worthy of recapping, and we move to Numbah Three versus Buttercup’s old boyfriend:
Snake picked up a large crowbar and charged at Numbah Three. As he tried to swing for her head, she hummed to herself, and cartwheeled out of the way.
"Slippery little..." said Snake.
Numbah Three giggled and dodged another blow.
"Stand still, you little," he said.
As Numbah Three continued to dodge, she started to sing...
"Rainbow Monkeys, Rainbow Monkeys, oh so very round, and super-chunky...
Bringing love, wherever they go... everone is made of a big rainbow..."
"SHUT UP!" said Snake. "Shut up or I'll cave your head in!"
DO IT! This fic is bad enough without the worst theme song since Barney!
"Oh Red and Orange... and Pink and Blue...
Rainbow Monkeys Rainbow Monkeys, we... love... you!"
At the last word of the song, she leapt up in the air and landed feet first on the top of his head!
Snake was stunned. He staggered and dropped the crowbar.
A punch from the PPG just rocks him, but an eighty-pound girl bouncing off his head nearly puts him out of commission. Bad balance.
"Bye-bye!" said Numbah Three. She landed on her hands and gave him a kick in the groin! He staggered back, and fell against a huge pile of debris, which fell on him!
CRUNCH! Add it to the heap!
And since when did Numbah Three do nutshots?
Meanwhile, Numbah Four and Numbah One were staring down Big Billy.
"You know what they say, Numbah Four," said One. "The bigger they are..."
"...the harder they fall!" said Four.
He charged Billy and aimed a punch for his gut...
And his hand stuck!
“Well, there goes my watch.”
Big Billy scores a few hits on the KND before they decide to face him en masse:
"Fee-Fi-Fo-Bor!" he said. "I smell da blood of Kids Next Door!"
"It's Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, stupid!" said Two.
"Yeah, I know," said Billy. "But it don't rhyme with 'Door'."
"And I thought Numbah Two was lame!" said Five.
So after several chapters of Numbah Two throwing out one-liners without comment, we’re back to him being bad at them. Canon is not consensual, Brian.
Billy proves to be a juggernaut, and I’m surprised Brian hasn’t referenced Marvel’s The Blob:
"Nuts," said One. "I don't think even our weapons could hurt him..."
That gave Numbah Two an idea.
"Guys, keep him occupied!" he said. He ran to the magnet crane.
"Keep him occupied?" said Four. "What are we supposed to do, tell him jokes?"
No, you’re supposed to dress in drag and do the hula.
So in a series of lines that manage to make it sound boring, Numbah Two uses the magnetic crane to drop debris on Billy, taking him out:
The team looked at Ace. The leader of the Gangreen Gang grinned a nervous grin.
"And then there was one!" said Numbah One.
"Wait! Wait!" he yelled. "I can explain!"
POW! Numbah Five socked him in the jaw.
BAM! Numbah Four kicked him in the gut.
THOMP! Numbah Three stomped on his head.
BIFF! Numbah Two punched him in the mouth.
SMASH! Numbah One hit him full in the face, shattering his sunglasses and toppling him over.
If ever a scene asked for and did not receive a “BARF!”, this would be it.
Ace spills the beans on Mojo and Princess’s teamup, and the KND decide turning him in isn’t worth the hassle:
"Nigie?" said Lizzie's voice. "Listen, I found something out... there's a group of punks in town who came all the way from Townsville who..."
"We know Lizzie," said One. "We took care of it."
“Thanks for being useless, though. Nicely done.”
"Isn't Townsville where those three superheroes live?" said Lizzie. "What are their names? The Power-something..."
"Powerpuff Girls, Lizzie," said One. "If you want their autograph, I think I can get it for you... soon."
"Huh?"
"Tell you later."
“Man, keeping a chick happy is a pain in the behind.”
SCENE CHANGE back to Delightful Manor, where the armor is complete:
"Fits like a glove, Princess," he said. "And it feels as light as a jean jacket."
"If I had more time, I could have installed a CD deck," said Princess.
What is it with Brian and installing CD players?
Chad refuses to read the manual, and then expounds on his plan:
"I've already composed a phony message in code," he said. "It's a hard code, but one which I know that the Moonbase supercomputer will easily pick up and decode. Once they have it, they will deliver to the nearest KND base, i.e. Numbah One's, and they'll be sent right into our hands.
“Code” is no longer a word to me…
"Are you certain this will work?" said Mojo. "I do not want a repeat of the abysmal failure of the other night this time. One abysmal failure was bad enough, and I can only endure so many abysmal failures before it becomes truly abysmal!"
"Do you even know what the word 'abysmal' means?" said the Delightful Children.
Mojo paused. He said:
"ABYSMAL, adj: 1: Immeasurably deep: BOTTOMLESS 2: absolutely wretched {- living conditions of the poor} – abysmally, adv."
"You were just waiting for someone to ask you a question like that, weren't you," said Princess.
You see this joke? You’ll see it again in later Corvello fics (though at least for different words).
SCENE CHANGE back to the Treehouse, as Numbah One pulls up Princess’s file. Line-by-line on:
PRINCESS MOREBUCKS
Age: 5
Given that she wants to be a Powerpuff Girl, I’m willing to accept that as her actual age.
Nationality: American
Known Relatives: Father, Mother (parents divorced, father has custody)
“You don’t want to know how bad that court case got.”
Ethnicity: Caucasian
KND Status: Under Class C observation
KND Threat Level: 3.8
“Not that the number means anything.”
Mental Status: Questionable
“Have you seen her grades?”
KND Related Crimes: Endangering children, assaulting children, robbing children, aiding adult criminals.
“And doing fifty in a thirty-five.”
Skills: Combat skills, aptitude for machines and technology.
“Or at least paying for them.”
Other Notes: Though only five years old, Morebucks has established herself as one of the most infamous criminals of Townsville.
“Selling dope while disguised as a nun will do that for you.”
Although she is not particularly intelligent and has little aptitude for invention, her father has enough resources to buy almost any service or equipment, ensuring that she is always armed to the teeth with incredible and lethal technology.
Wait, the last line says she had an aptitude for machines. Make up your mind, database.
As they say, money is the root of all evil.
The line say “LOVE OF money”, not money itself. Damn common usage.
Morebucks's goals can be traced to bad upbringing and sheer jealousy. Spoiled rotten all her life, when she first met the Powerpuff Girls, she immediately wanted to join them – and for the first time, she found that this was something she could NOT have, not for all the money in the world. Deciding that if she could not be a Powerpuff Girl that there would be NO Powerpuff Girls, she in a sense became the anti-Powerpuff Girl, becoming one of their most dangerous enemies.
Don’t you just love backstory infodumping? Especially when it’s something the story already told us?
All operatives must use caution if they ever must deal with this individual. Not only is she a worthy combatant, she is someone who can purchase nearly anything, including favors from almost any enemy of the organization. And by all means, operatives must not be tempted by her bribes themselves. The results could be dire.
“She is willing to pull a truckload of money up to your house. Try to be made of stone.”
Last few lines, and oh, boy, do they not bode well:
"So," said Numbah Five. "What are we gonna do?"
Numbah One paused.
He took out his communicator and a slip of paper from his pocket.
"I'm not sure if Global Command would approve," he said, "but we're going to need some very special deputies for whatever lies ahead... I just hope they aren't busy."
“Call the Mary Sues!”
Be ready for hell, folks, the next chapter is not going to be pretty.
