Legacy of the Duelist, Chapter 12
May. 6th, 2017 02:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mancalledtrue(MCT NOTE: This is based on the original version of this chapter as posted to The Pokemasters Forums, since FF.net decided to fuck with anyone who wanted to copy/paste their stuff. Any updates or changes Brian made before putting it back on FF.net are absent. Not that they would have helped much.)
So due to a combination of crippling boredom and MCT being a lazy bastard, I'm doing this shit again.
If you don't remember me, I did one of the later chapters in that shitty Powerpuff Girls/KND crossover... for the same reasons, actually.
(MCT Edit: He also covered one of the chapters of Frigid Winds and Burning Hearts before I pussied out like a bitch- I mean, quit due to mechanical error...)
You know, that reminds me, how long has it been since the last chapter of this fucking tripe?
...THREE YEARS?! TRUE, YOU FUCKING SLUG.
(MCT Edit: YOU try dealing with Brian's stuff on a regular basis! I remember your whining about this, Blade!)
Well, whatever. I'll berate my colleague later; right now, I'm here to roast some shitty fanfiction. And considering the theme of this chapter, I may or may not be using the word "roast" ironically...
Chapter Twelve
Trial By Fire
See?
That night, Yugi and his friends slept on the hard ground, under the stars, in a brush where they were plagued by mosquitoes and biting flies (made only a little bearable by repellant).
I'd like to take a moment to point out that this is a prestigious tournament. Villain or not, Anastasia Pegasus is making her guests (all of them, not just the ones she's got a blood debt to collect from) sleep on the fucking forest floor. I know that her father did the same thing in his tournament, but Duelist Kingdom lasted for like a weekend. This one was stated to be weeks long.
Furthermore, Maximillion Pegasus wasn't enough of a troll to put way stations and restaurants everywhere. Does this island really have a retro burger joint and a pagan pharmacy, but no camping supply stores?
And yet they slept better than Anastasia Pegasus did, in her luxurious bedchamber, deep within her private quarters in her grand palace.
The tradeoff for such affluent living conditions is being pestered by scorpions.
While Yugi had three friends with him, Anastasia was alone. Her sleep was full of unsettling dreams and outright nightmares. And she had few to blame for them but herself. She so dreaded sleep that she had tried in the past to use drugs and other methods to delay the need for it; but eventually, fatigue always caught up to her, and she had to collapse into a state of unconsciousness in which terrible visions tortured her.
Ana is kind of an idiot in that regard for not trying to minimize her torture via polyphasic sleep or combat it with lucid dreaming.
One would think that after so many years she would be used to it. She wasn’t. But she never regretted the choice she had made that caused her fitful sleep. She had sworn long ago to several promises – mostly to herself, but to others as well – and the means she took that she hoped would fulfill them were necessary.
Yeah, about that "necessary" part...
Ana has already said that she has no interest in Yugi Jr.'s Millennium Item (which eliminates the need for them to ever Duel) and that she could eliminate him in multiple ways if she had to (depending on whether or not he makes it to the finals). The implication is that none of this supernatural malarkey is at all necessary; she could have saved herself years of torture by simply hiring someone to snipe him. She's certainly rich enough to get away with it.
It was ten AM when she roused herself from her slumber. She didn’t open her eyes – as always – and wiped the cold sweat from her face. She fumbled for a button on the side of her bed and pushed it.
And was promptly crushed as the bed folded into the wall.
“Yes ma’am?” said a voice.
Oh, it's an intercom... built into the bed itself rather than the nightstand. For some reason.
“Lilith,” she said. “Tell Franc to prepare eggs, toast, sausage, coffee, and two aspirin. Have it ready in twenty minutes."
Friendly reminder that Ana is rich enough to either build or buy an entire island. She would not be eating what my Dad eats for breakfast.
On that same note, aspirin? Really? The billionaire with a headache is taking OTC shit?
“I’m on it,” said Lilith.
Lilith, of course... Don't you just love how Ana has every demon and devil on her payroll? To remind you that she's the villain? Was that made clear enough yet?
Getting up, and with her eyes still shut, Anastasia walked to her bathroom, not needing sight to get around the familiar room. After showering, she selected a suit from her wardrobe, and then reached for her sunglasses on a table. After putting them on, she finally opened her eyes, and sighed with relief.
Until she realized that she'd accidentally put on a chicken costume again.
Finally, her hand closed around her most prized possession, her cane with the shiny gold knob with the stencil of an eye on it. She both loved and hated this device… it gave her power, but she knew the price she had paid, and would further pay for it someday.
Again, a hitman would have been a lot cheaper. Just putting that out there.
Still, if it would help her in her plans, which were coming closer to fruition with each passing day, it would all be worth it.
"Plans" in that sentence needs about a thousand quotation marks around it.
As she ate breakfast in her dining room, she pushed a button on a remote control pad, and a monitor descended.
Descended from where? Heaven?
(MCT Edit: You think that's funny now, wait until, in some alternate universe where I have a work ethic, we get to Mandate of Heaven.)
“Computer,” she said. “What is the current status of the tournament?”
“Seventy percent of players have now been eliminated,” said the computer. “None have yet to obtain seven Duel Jewels; the maximum for any current player is five.”
“How are Yugi Muto Jr. and Mary Wheeler doing?”
“Searching… Muto has five Jewels; Wheeler has three. I do not believe either of them will attempt to challenge the Palace until both of them have obtained seven.”
Okay, no. We're stopping right here. This is as good a time as any to bring up something that MCT almost never rags on, but I've been eagerly waiting to tackle: This story is set in 2035. Now, I don't remember exactly what the technological prowess of the original Yu-Gi-Oh! series' world is like, but this setting is not it. Dark Sage never really reconciled how this story (and its sequel, technically) exists in the same continuity as the original series, which used dueling stations for a single season before switching to increasingly more compact and modern Duel Disks. And this was shown to be a welcome transition: By Battle City (which was a few months after Duelist Kingdom at the most), Duel Disks were the new hot toy that everyone wanted. In the movie (set shortly after Battle City's conclusion), Kaiba goes to see Pegasus on his private island, and before they Duel on a dueling station, Kaiba mocks it by calling it outdated.
Yet, in spite of the common sentiment that Duel Disks are superior to stations, we're somehow three decades in the future and dueling stations are still the standard! Their use isn't exclusive to Duelist Labyrinth - we saw them being used in that NYC tournament in the prologue. And they certainly aren't everywhere due to KaibaCorp folding or being bought out: According to Siegfried, KC is still around, and we'll see just how big and influential it still is if we ever get to the third part of this trainwreck trilogy. So, what gives?
Well, let's take a look around the setting so far. We've seen that Peter's cameras use film instead of something like SD cards, and we've seen that Ana's surveillance system consists of clunky security cameras connected to VCR's. This is all obviously due to Dark Sage's bad writing leaving a 'void' of little to no technological progression between the 2000's and the 2030's, but if you want an in-Universe answer, something must have happened to stunt development for awhile. Maybe Moore's Law gave out. Maybe there was some big global crisis (peak oil?) that ground everything to a halt until it was fixed. I don't know, and the dilemma is never answered.
(MTC Interrupt: To be fair, Peter using film could entirely be a preference – most professional/semi-professional/serious-amateur photographers argue that film gives a far better image than digital photography. The rest is bullshit, of course, but that at least can be argued.)
Why am I droning on about theoreticals that the author never considered? Well, if I may answer your question with a question of my own, how does Ana have a free-thinking mini-Panopticon when she can't even afford DVD players and outdated Model 1 Duel Disks?!
“Hmm… who else has five Jewels?”
“Searching… Siegfried Kaiba and Jade Valentine both have that number. They are apparently each working alone.”
It's been a full day and there are only 4 people that have ranked up that far? How small was the guest list for this tournament again?
“Interesting. Where are all our ‘leaders’ right now?”
“Searching… Yugi’s party is on Route 14, approaching the Dunes of Flame. Siegfried is currently exploring the Tower of Glass; I believe he heard about the cache of cards hidden there, and is looking for them.”
Well he's probably not going to have a very hard time finding them in a tower of glass!
“Keep me informed if he finds them. And Jade?”
“She is very hard to keep track of – she seems to be able to avoid most of my sensory equipment, but not all of it. I last sighted her in the Monolith Maze three hours ago.
Yo dawg I heard you like mazes so I put a maze in your maze so you can get lost while you get lost.
Frankly, given her abilities, she could have found her way out and be anywhere by now.”
Wait, this was three hours ago? So at 7am the omnipresent vaccum tube computer lost Jade... in a maze? How was she hiding in there? And why was she trying to get through it at 7am? The computer said that that was the "last time" it saw her, so she'd obviously been sneaking around before that... How early did she wake up?
“And to think I thought her stupid ‘samurai senses’ were all a bunch of hokum,” grumbled Anastasia. “Try to keep your eyes on all four of them, and update me on any new info.
They are hokum. I'll leave that alone - getting mad at Jade is MCT's job, and he enjoys it greatly. But the fact that she can apparently toggle between "I can sense this because it's natural and Samurai are in-tune with nature." and "I can sense this because it's magic and a good Samurai has her pineal gland open." and"I can sense this because it's manmade so it sticks out to my Samuradar like a sore thumb." is still some fucking shit.
“Will do.”
“On another note, are my six Key Guardians ready in case anyone gets seven? For all we know, it could happen today.”
Were they not ready on the first day? I guess they'd have no need to be, but they're on Ana's payroll... I wonder what they were doing? Do they just hang out by the demonic water cooler and shoot the shit until someone gets too close to Ana's castle?
“They are as ready as they ever will be. Just between the two of us, do you think having Ahriman as the Orange Guardian is a good idea? The thought of it seems… well, dangerous.”
Ahriman is basically the Devil of Zoroastrianism, one of the world's oldest surviving religions. I have no clue why he's making a cameo in this story, or why he isn't the final boss. That would actually be more sensible than what we get.
“If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it,” said Anastasia, with a frown. “Your intelligence may be great, but it is still artificial.”
Ana's just jealous because she's just as fake and her intelligence is shit.
“Granted, but still…”
Anastasia pushed a button on her remote, and the computer shut off.
If only it was that easy to get people to shut up, she thought.
She says while she's holding the Millennium Plot Device.
SCENE CHANGE:
An hour later, the forest that Yugi and his friends had been traveling through had turned into brush, and soon it turned into desert. Haze started to fill the air… sort of like smog, but not as dense. It turned the sun red as it shone done on them.
Haze? In a desert? The dryest biome in the world?
And turning the Sun red? At 11 in the morning?
If this is aesthetic, Ana deserves an award, because engineering it must have cost millions.
Even more unsettling were the noises that sounded like small explosions that they began to hear in the distance.
Oh, never mind. Our heroes just wandered into the Golan Heights.
It began to get hot, even hotter than the summer weather would suggest. Before the friends knew it, they were opening their canteens and taking large swigs.
“Man,” said Clive. “Anastasia sure can make it hard for us."
'Hard?' Try deadly. What happens if someone wandering around this island by himself stumbles across this desert and sucumbs to heatstroke and dehydration with nobody around to help? This is a lawsuit just waiting to happen.
“Well, let’s be on our guard,” said Yugi. “If she tries one of her tricks again, we don’t want to be…”
All of a sudden, in a spot not five feet from where he was about to step, a column of flame erupted, shooting ten feet into the air!
“RUN!!” shouted Yugi. They started to flee, and as they did, similar eruptions burst all around them.
I retract my last statement. This is a lawsuit just waiting to happen!
Eventually, the heat proved too great, and they collapsed. The eruptions continued, always about ten to fifteen feet from them. They huddled together in fright.
But after ten minutes without being hit, Yugi spoke up.
Ten minutes? They actually sat there doing nothing for a full ten minutes? And none of them passed out? I mean the heat was apparently overwhelming them after a few moments of exposure, but an additional ten minutes didn't broil any of them? What kind of fucked-up laws of physics does this Universe run on?
“Guys,” he said. “I think it’s a trick.”
“What do you mean?” said Mary. “The fire’s not real?”
"Why don't you stick your hand over it and find out?" Yugi answered.
Yugi took a handkerchief out of his pocket and tossed it in front of him. A blast from one of the smaller gouts incinerated it.
“Yeah, real flames,” said Yugi, “but controlled ones. Something – maybe a computer system, maybe something less understandable – keeps them from hitting living things. It seems Anastasia wanted to make this part of her little theme park a virtual Hades.”
No, sorry, I'm not buying it. Not after Yugi was inches from one of the flame jets and it still politely activated just in time to confirm his hypothesis. Even if the fire is controlled by a computer (or by the Millennium Plot Device), there is no way this place is OSHA-compliant. There doesn't even seem to be a cheap waist-high guardrail around each geyser!
“I don’t care if they are being controlled,” said Peter. “Let’s find a way out – it’s creepy!”
Peter's response to being lured into a desert and being surrounded by autonomoyus flamethrowers is that it's "creepy..."
Peter was one of the special needs students in Domino High School, wasn't he?
(MCT Edit: That's a horrible insult to the Special Needs students I grew up alongside. None of them were as dumb as Peter, and several of them had legitimate brain damage!)
“Agreed,” said Yugi.
But after having walked five minutes a new sound reached their ears… classical music?
Why is the story asking me? If the author doesn't know, how am I supposed to?
They walked over a dune, and were shocked to see a sunbather reclining on the sand! Next to a radio, she was wearing a red bikini and a bandana, as well as a wristband with four Duel Jewels. Her hair was jet-black, and her skin olive-tan.
...Where is the rest of her stuff? Has she been wandering around the island for a full day lugging a boombox around? And wearing only a bikini, no less? I get that it's the Mediterranean, and in the middle of summer to boot, but surely it got a bit nippy during the night. And even if it didn't, she must have had to deal with just as many bugs as Yugi and co. - she doesn't seem to have a sleeping bag or anything else to lay on.
In fact... She doesn't even have a towel! How the Hell is she comfortable on the sand? It must be scorching hot!
“Ahem,” said Yugi. She looked at them.
And then she went blind, considering she doesn't have sunglasses, either.
“Uh, ma’am,” said Clive. “This isn’t exactly the best place to get a tan…
“More like a place to get a burn,” said Mary.
“Burn?” she said, in a thick Mediterranean accent. “I don’t burn…”
'Mediterannean accent?' The Hell does that mean? That could be Spanish, Italian, Greek, Turkish, or Arabic to name just a few.
She sprang to her feet. “The great Etna Prometheus does NOT burn!”
The four friends looked at each other.
For once, I'm siding with them. Even by this story's standards, Etna has some very bizarre dialogue and mannerisms.
(MCT Edit: Before anyone points it out, this was long before the Disgaea franchise came out. Both this chick and Overrated Loli Demon are named after the same thing, which Etna will explain shortly.)
“Who?” said Mary.
“Haven’t you heard of me?” she said. “The Southern European Duel Monsters Champion?”
...Okay, I don't think I can chalk this one up as a mistake, per se, but 'Southern European' seems like a weird moniker. Usually, when splitting Europe up into bigger-than-national pieces, the split is East-West, not North-South. Not that there's more similarities between either side than the other, but politically, that's how it works.
Than again, even in the Yugiohverse, Duel Monsters is more sport than politics. So maybe just going on a by-country basis would be easier...
“Uh, no?” said Mary. “And what do you mean you don’t burn?”
She backflipped, and landed on a dune behind her. “I was born on Sicily,” she began, “and within an hour of my birth, the mighty Mount Etna erupted! To mark the occasion, my parents named me after the mountain. Then, five years later, on my birthday no less, I was a mile from the volcano, when it erupted with even greater ferocity. All within two miles perished in the inferno – only I was spared. It was all the proof I needed that the volcano was my true parent!”
“Uh, okay,” said Mary. “Number one, you’re crazy. Number two, I have a hard time believing…”
For the first time in the story, Mary is wholly correct. Nothing that Etna just said was believable.
First and foremost, Etna is Sicilian. Yet her last name is not only a name from Greek mythology, it's a suspiciously specific - and accurate - reference. Again, this can be chalked up to bad writing in our world. In the story Universe, though, something has to reconcile it. Etna is almost assuredly lying, either about her name or her nationality.
Second, while Mt. Etna does erupt frequently, it hasn't killed anybody in a long time. The last time anybody died in an Etna eruption was when 2 tourists got blown up in 1987. Unless Etna is actually 53 (and looks great for her age, apparently), she's lying about her origin story as well.
(EDIT: Etna Prometheus appears in the last story of this trilogy, and it's more heavily implied that she is lying. But I greatly doubt that Dark Sage preplanned this one character to be bullshitting, considering everyone else so far has been genuine.)
“Want proof?!” shouted Etna. She leapt on a hill, and all of a sudden, a blast of flame enveloped her! The four friends screamed…
Yugi Jr. and pals: the wimpiest teenagers in future-Japan.
...Wait a second, the flames just activated while Etna was standing on them. See?! No OSHA compliance at all! Fuck you, Yugi, I was right and you weren't!
But then the fire died down, and Etna was just standing their, stretching and smiling. “Feels rather good!” she said.
"Their" is the wrong word to use there. Was that really the first time I've run into a grammar mistake in this chapter?
...Probably not. But fuck going back and looking for other ones.
“Oooo-kay,” said Yugi. “We’ll just be leaving now…”
“Yeah,” said Mary. “We’re allergic to freaks…”
Childish or not, Mary has a point: There is no conceivable way that Etna could have did what she just did.
As they turned to leave, they were halted, as a three-pronged spear landed in front of them!
Where the fuck did that come from?!
“Leaving so soon?” said Etna. “I don’t like being called a freak. Maybe you’d like to test my sanity at the dueling station.”
She's ripping off Mako Tsunami's first appearance now. He used a harpoon instead of a spear, and I think the spoken line was a bit different, but that's exactly what happened when Yugi and his friends tried to leave Mako without dueling him early in the anime.
“We don’t duel with psychos,” said Mary.
“What’s the matter, little girl? Afraid I’ll burn that skirt right off of you?”
Mary’s eyes narrowed.
“Okay, you asked for it,” she said. “Just point to the direction of the station!”
So mild taunting that barely even qualifies as such is enough to make Mary do a 180 and cave in to her detractor? She's going to get eaten alive in college...
* * * * * * * * * *
Etna led them over the dunes towards a station that had been set up on a slab of rock.
“This actually might be a good opportunity to earn more Jewels,” said Mary.
No shit. Good job taking several minutes to connect the dots - all two of them.
“Just be careful,” said Yugi. “Whatever her mental state, if she truly is the Southern European Champion, this might be a hard one.”
Bullshit. The duelists in this world are even worse than the ones in the anime. Literally every duel is the same formulaic Zerg rush into Traps, spamming crappy healing cards, and having almost zero coherence in your deck.
As they took their places at the station, Etna said, “A word of caution – I play rough. Now how many Jewels are you going to wager?”
“I’ll play conservatively – two,” said Mary, laying them down.
“I hope this goes quick,” said Clive. “This place is really getting to me.” He went to his canteen, only to find it empty.
The team badass, ladies and gentlemen.
As the station whirred to life, Mary made her draws. Well, well, what do you know, she thought, looking at her hand.
“Why don’t you go first,” she said.
Why don't you punctuate your sentences, bitch?
“Fine. This volcano is about to erupt!
Laaaaaaame.
“I’ll play Fireyarou, in attack mode!” she shouted, laying a card down. A man surrounded by flames appeared, as did the numbers 1,300 over 1,000.
What the… thought Mary. Why the heck is she playing something so weak? I’ll give her a little surprise…
Mary, your deck runs cards like Masaki the Legendary Swordsman, Hero of the East, and fucking Battle Warrior. You are in zero position to criticize Etna for running something stronger than all three of those.
“I’ll play a Monster facedown, in Defense, she said, putting down a card.
“Heh,” said Etna. “What sort of amateur defends on her first turn? Fireyarou, blazing kick attack!"
A taunt stolen from Rex Raptor, and one I never understood. In the real-world card game, sure, defending usually means you got a shitty hand and your opponent now has a free turn to set up their army of Synchros and Xyz's and whatever other gimmicky new card type that swarms the field that exists nowadays, but in the anime - especially under the 2,000 LP rule system - protecting your LP and coaxing your idiot opponent into playing a low-level quasi-beatstick that you can trample with a 7-star Monster on your next turn seems like an ideal strategy.
The pyro leapt and made a kick at the facedown card… but was knocked back on his tuckus. Etna’s Life Points fell to 1,700.
FIREYAROU used BLAZE KICK!
It's not very effective...
(MCT Edit: “Tuckus”? Are you fucking kidding me?)
“What’s the matter?” said Mary. “My Monster’s Defense a bit high? Well now I’m switching him into Attack and fighting fire with fire!” She turned the card around. “Meet my dad’s favorite Monster, the Flame Swordsman!”
Mary should be disqualified for switching her Monster's position while it's still her opponent's turn. She didn't even wait to see if Etna had any cards to play during her Main Phase 2!
The red armored Warrior emerged from the card, and brandished his large blade. The numbers 1,800 over 1,600 appeared.
Oh, shit, I just realized that I have to keep an eye on all the stats and descriptions of each card now that the Duel started. Fuck.
Alright, going back and checking, Fireyarou's description is accurate. Unbelievably lazy and generic, but accurate. Flame Swordsman, though... He doesn't wear red armor. He has an orange helmet and pauldrons, and there might be a band of metal guarding his neck and upper chest, but he wears cloth on the whole, not armor. Bad form, Dark Sage: He's one of the original series' most iconic Warriors.
“Get ‘im,” said Mary. The Flame Swordsman stabbed through Fireyarou’s chest, and he collapsed. Etna’s Life Points Fell to 1,200.
“Well, I admit that was good strategy,” said Etna, drawing. “Not good, but great. Great strategy, on the other hand, would be something like… oh, I don’t know, playing a weak Monster on the first round to lull a foe into a false sense of security and then crash through her life points… like a hot knife through butter…”
Etna didn't wait for Mary to end her turn, either! Does nobody in this story have proper Dueling etiquette?!
“What… do you mean?” said Mary.
“This!” said Etna. “I summon the Firewing Pegasus, in attack mode!” She lay a card down, and a horse with flaming wings appeared. The numbers 2,250 over 1,800 appeared.
(Insert hilarious My Little Pony-themed joke here.)
(MCT Edit: Insert amusing MLP image macro here.)
“Uh oh…” said Mary.
“Firewing Pegasus,” said Etna, “flaming hooves attack!” The pegasus dive-bombed the Swordsman, and incinerated him. Mary’s Life Points fell to 1,450.
You know, the attack names in this fanfic suck. Flaming Hooves, Flaming Chain, Blazing Kick... Where's the alliteration? Where's the variation? Where's the power?
Also, Mary just lost 450 LP. Her score should be a hundred points higher. Have we mentioned yet that Dark Sage is bad at math?
Mary drew and looked at her cards. I could try this again… she thought. But I’d be taking a gamble… still, I have to try something…
“I play the Monster Egg in Attack Mode!” she said, putting down the card.
“And now I use Insect Imitation!” She lay down the Power-Up and crossed her fingers. Whatever hatches better be something big… she thought, as the egg started to crack…
Show of hands: Who else is sick of this combo? It's been in every Duel of Mary's since she got the cards, and it never gets any more interesting-looking. Time Wizard had an awesome effect (especially when it fossilized Rex Raptor's Red-Eyes Black Dragon), and at least it failed now and again. Mary Sue Wheeler just gets a the perfect "Fuck you." Monster in two sentences everytime she does this.
The egg burst, and in its place stood a giant humanoid elephant! The numbers 2,400 over 2,000 appeared.
“All right!” shouted Yugi. “The Garnecia Elefantis!”
See?
The Beast-Warrior trumpeted.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVrYbKBrI7o
“Hear that sound?” said Mary. “That’s the sound it’s gonna make after I plow all over you! Garnecia Elefantis! Tusk trample attack!”
That was the most badly-worded attempt at shittalking I've seen yet in this story.
The Monster rammed the Firewing Pegasus, and it was thrown back, exploding only a foot from Etna’s face!
“Hey, watch it!” she yelled. Her Life Points fell to 1,050.
“Okay,” she said, drawing. “I’ll lay a card facedown, and then I’ll play the Flame Cerberus in Defense Mode.” She put down the cards, and a fiery wolf with three heads appeared and relaxed in a sitting position. The numbers 2,100 over 1,800 appeared.
Cerberus isn't a wolf. Also, first a pegasus and now this? Considering Etna's last name, I'm actually kind of liking where this is going (SPOILER: This is as far as it goes.)...
“Fine,” said Mary. “I too will lay a card facedown. Now, Elefantis, flatten that Cerberus!”
“Mary, wait!” said Yugi.
Remember a few chapters ago when Yugi was all like "I better not tell Mary what her opponent's strategy is or she'll be disqualief."? What happened to that? If Mary decided to hold her attack because of Yugi butting in, I can't see how that wouldn't be illegal.
“But it was too late to take back the command. The Beast-Warrior charged – and then it was engulfed by a gout of white-hot flame!
...Who just said that?
Etna laughed out loud. “Always look before you leap, little girl,” she said. “I rigged my side with my Flames of Perdition Trap, which not only destroyed your Monster, but healed my Life Points by 500 points!”
'Perdition,' for those of you that don't know, is a Christian word for the eternal punishment a sinful person must endure after they die.
Do you expect me to believe that the game company that replaced every instance of the words "Hell," "Demon," and "Death" with "Nightmare," "Fiend," and "Des" (respectively) in its every last card for years now would release a card with "Perdition" in its name?
Mary looked down. Her own Life Points fell to 850,
*950
while Etna’s was raised to 1,550.
*were raised
“Now I’ll just switch my Cerberus into Attack Mode,” said Etna, “and he’ll reduce you to ashes!” She flipped the card, and the Monster leapt up snarling!
I think there should be another comma somewhere in that last sentence.
“Flame Cerberus, burning bites attack!”
The beast sprang forward – and then fell through the floor! Three bloodcurdling screams were heard, and an acidic mist rose from it.
...From the screams? Again, I think some kind of grammar rule is being broken here.
“You should take your own advice,” said Mary. “I had MY side rigged with the Acid Trap Hole. Convenient for getting rid of just about anything – even three-headed guardians of the Underworld.”
If they're in face-down defense mode, that is. I know that's happened before in this story, but for someone who claims to hate artistic license so much, Dark Sage falls back on it constantly in this fic.
Etna’s Life points fell to 1,025.
“Hmph, parting is such sweet sorrow,” said Etna. “I’ll finish by placing a card facedown. Make your move.”
Stop. Quoting. The anime. I did that as a teenager and even I couldn't shake the notion that it was lazy.
“Etna has something big up her sleeve,” said Yugi. “I can feel it. And I doubt it bodes well for Mary.”
Etna doesn't have sleeves.
Mary looked at her hand. Darn, she thought. Only one Monster… and I’d best play it now. But I’m not stupid enough to fall for another trap.
You know, this "I only have one Monster." thing is another common occurrence in this story. I just went back and checked; by my count, Mary presently is holding a full hand. That's six cards. I get that everyone (even Joey Wheeler) gets unlucky once in awhile, but this is the second time in two or three Duels that Mary has run into this problem. Her deck needs work.
“You like volcanoes so much?” said Mary. “Well why don’t I just play the Lava Battleguard, in Defense Mode.” She put the card down, and the horned, red-skinned Warrior appeared, with the numbers 1,550 over 1,800.
“But I don’t think I’ll attack now,” she said. “So make your move.”
No fucking shit you're not attacking now - you put him in Defense Mode!
“Sure,” said Etna. “Swords of Revealing Light!”
Mary and her friends gasped as she put the card down, and a wall of shimmering swords surrounded the Lava Battleguard!
Is that really mass gasp-worthy? I know the Swords of Revealing Light are kind of rare in-Universe, but they're not exactly threatening to a deck like Mary's.
“Now anything you put up there is helpless to make a move for three rounds, little girl!” gloated Etna.
“I know what Swords of Revealing Light does!” said Mary.
I'll agree with Mary here. Considering how prevalent that Duel Monsters is in-Universe, the whole "Let me explain what my every card does." thing got annoying pretty fast. It could be useful for explaining what the fancy new card of the day was, but SoRL is not such a card.
“Well, wait until my strategy is revealed!” she continued. “First, I’ll use Red Medicine to give my Life Points a lift!”
She played the Magic Card, and her Life Points went up to 1,525.
Has there been a single Duel so far that didn't need padding with an LP-restoring card? I don't remember this shit happening more than once or twice in the entirety of Duelist Kingdom.
“And now, I’ll play the Flame Champion, in Attack Mode!” she placed the card down, and a Warrior with a Flaming Shield appeared, with the numbers 1,900 over 1,300.
Why is "flaming shield" capitalized?
Wait, scratch that: Why is "warrior" capitalized? Flame Champion is a Pyro-type Monster!
“Your move,” said Etna. “I’ll refrain from attacking for now.”
Mary drew. Now I have no Monsters to play at all, she thought. Best hope for the best.
“I’ll just draw,” she said.
You just did that. Cheating again, Mary? Or did you mean you're passing this turn?
“Then I’ll play another Monster,” said Etna. “The Twin Headed Fire Dragon, in Attack Mode!” She lay down the card, and a ferocious red Dragon with two heads appeared. Steam poured from its two sets of nostrils! The numbers 2,200 over 1,700 appeared.
A hyphen is missing from Twin-Headed Fire Dragon's name. And, again, this is a Pyro Monster, so that second "dragon" doesn't need to be capitalized.
“Oh man, Mary’s had it…” said Clive.
“As a wise man once said,” said Yugi. “Don’t give up the ship.”
What kind of vote of support is that? He could have just urged Clive to have faith like a normal person, but instead he has to reaffirm his random history quote pseudointellect for like the third time in this story.
And it fails pretty hilariously this time, by the way: The "wise man" in question was James Lawrence, a captain in the War of 1812 who was fatally shot and urged his crew not to let the British capture their ship... They did so all of twenty minutes later. In a half-cognizant story, Yugi would have just signed Mary's death warrant.
(MCT Edit: I swear that's the... fifth time someone made a “As a wise man once said” comment in this story.)
“But again, I’ll just wait,” said Etna. “Your move.”
Mary drew. She gave a look at the card… then looked at Etna…
“I’ll lay a card facedown,” she said. “And that’s all I can do.”
So that was obviously a good, potentially game-winning card. Don't you love when any tension is sniped like that? At least that Acid Trap Hole got no build-up, so it was forgettable until it was sprung.
The Swords started to fade.
“Then here comes my favorite Monster,” said Etna. “Mr. Volcano, in Attack!” She put down the card, and a man in a fiery robe appeared, and the numbers 2,100 over 1,300 appeared.
"There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon... There is no way out of here."
“Now do you understand my strategy?” said Etna. “If that facedown card is a Trap, my first attack will destroy it with no big loss. Then an attack from my second Monster will obliterate your Lava Battleguard… and a blow from my third will blow you away!”
What kind of "strategy" is that? What if the Trap doesn't target your attacking Monster? What if it ends all your attacks for the round, like the Negate Attack that apparently everyone in this Universe uses?
“Well then do it already!” said Mary. “Or are you going to talk all day?!”
Not suspicious at all.
“Fine,” said Etna. “Twin Headed Fire Dragon, double inferno attack!”
The two heads took deep breaths…
Which two heads? Dark Sage, why do you suck so terribly at description?
“You two might want to cover your ears,” said Yugi. “I think I know what’s going to happen…”
Who is Yugi talking to? Clive and Peter? Mary and Etna? Again, shitty description everywhere.
It was hard to pinpoint when the force struck. It seemed that the whole world was engulfed by a tremendous, fiery explosion, which shook the very earth, as four hideous screams came from the grid.
When the smoke cleared, nothing remained of Etna’s Monsters but scorched bones; the Lava Battleguard was still standing and Mary was laughing her head off, holding up her Mirror Force card.
Told you.
“You fell for it like a ton of bricks!” laughed Mary. “Looks like your big strategy turned out to be a big dud!” She laughed so hard she almost fell off her seat.
Okay, it's really not that funny. I can understand chuckling in self-satisfaction, but full-blown derisive laughter over the very cerebral gambit of laying one Trap just makes Mary seem like a cunt.
“Nice going Mary,” said Yugi. “That was the Mirror Force to end all Mirror Forces.”
“Ugh,” said Peter. “I think I’m going to be a little hard of hearing for a while.”
“What?” said Clive.
“I said I think I’m going to be a little hard of hearing for a while.”
“Sorry, Clive,” said Peter. “I think I’m going to be a little hard of hearing for a while.”
I don't remember where this joke is from, but I know it's from somewhere older and funnier than this.
Etna’s Life Points were now at a mere 75, and Etna herself was now red with fury.
Wait, shouldn't Etna have lost after that last move? She was at 1,525 LP when she set off Mirror Force. Her Monsters had a total ATK power of 6,200 (Flame Champion's 1900 + Twin-Headed Fire Dragon's 2200 + Mr. Volcano's 2100). One quarter of that is 1,550. She should be at zero (Well, -25 actually, but you get the point.)!
“Laugh at me, will you?!” she said. “Well now I can activate my own Trap Card.” She turned over her facedown card. “The Time Machine Trap!”
“Huh?”
Who said that?
“It lets me revive any Monster that was destroyed earlier in the round,” said Etna. “And here he… or should I say they… come!”
A huge metal chamber appeared on the grid, and its door opened. The Twin Headed Fire Dragon crawled out. The numbers 2,200 over 1,700 appeared again.
Okay, forget what I said about Etna's LP dropping to zero... She should be at 525 LP, considering that Time Machine seemed to negate all damage taken in the anime (Bandit Keith lost no LP when he revived his Barrel Dragon, nor did Joey when he brought back his Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon.).
And I know that Time Machine doesn't really work like that, but a real version of the card didn't exist back then. Either way, the math in this Duel on both sides is all fucked up.
“In Attack Mode!” she said. “But since I already attacked, I can’t do so now, so make your move, as if it will matter.”
Actually, Etna, you can attack. The Battle Phase is still going on; in the anime, both Keith and Joey used the Time Machine mid-battle, resulting in their opponent's Monster being destroyed. There's nothing stopping you from frying Mary's Battleguard.
Mary drew… and smiled.
“Actually, my Lava Battleguard can take on that Dragon now,” said Mary.
“What?!” said Etna. “That wimp couldn’t stand a chance against my Dragon on his best day if he had an automatic Dragon-slaying machine!”
Don't be so ignorant, Etna. Lava Battleguard's ATK is only 650 less than Twin-Headed Fire Dragon's. An Axe of Despair would be more than adequate to tip the balance in that matchup.
“But I am going to give him an ‘automatic Dragon-slaying slaying machine,’ as you put it,” said Mary. “I’m arming him with the Sword of Dragon’s Soul!”
Oh, this is going to be good.
She placed down the Power-Up. The jagged sword appeared above the Lava Battleguard; his club vanished, and he grabbed the sword.
"Power-up" isn't a proper noun. Slang borne from games, yes, but not a proper noun by itself. Ten points from Gryffindor.
Etna gasped.
“Looks like your volcano is about to be rendered extinct!” said Mary. “Lava Battleguard, ATTACK!!”
The Lava Battleguard sprang up, and cleaved the Twin-Headed Fire Dragon down the middle! Etna’s Life Points sank to zero, and the word “WINNER” appeared on Mary’s side.
How it actually happened: Lava Battleguard's ATK went up to 2250, it sliced the Dragon in half... And, according to Dark Sage's shitty math, Etna's LP dropped to 25. She wouldn't have taken that bullshit 1/4 ATK damage because the Sword's effect would not have worked, because, as I previously pointed out, Twin-Headed Fire Dragon is not a Dragon.
EDIT: Even if Mary's strategy would have worked as intended, she attacked illegally: The Swords of Revealing Light are supposed to still be up until the end of this turn!
“Oh, blast it!” shouted Etna. She slammed her head against the console.
There, there, Etna. Everyone who isn't one of the author's pets gets screwed over in this story... Just wait until the end of the trilogy when even being a pet doesn't save you anymore!
“Hey, cool off why don’t you?” said Mary.
"Teehee I'm such a bitch but since I'm a good guy it's okay. XD"
* * * * * * * * * *
Etna didn’t say much after that. After turning over half of her Duel Jewels, she left in a huff.
Understandably.
“Well, Yugi, I guess I shut up that egomaniac,” said Mary. “And now we both have five apiece.”
Christ, even after Etna leaves the story, Mary still can't flick off her bitch switch.
“Yeah,” said Yugi, as the spirit left him. “Another good duel for each of us, and we can take on the palace.”
Wait... "as the spirit left him."? When did he transform?
As they walked on towards what looked like a tree line, Clive spoke up:
"Hey Yugi, why are there trees in a desert?"
“That Minotaur said that once we got to the palace there’d be new rules. I wonder what he meant.”
“I don’t know,” said Yugi, “but it likely will be a challenge – a tough one at that…”
Helpful Yugi explains what the word "challenge" means.
Anyway, chapter's over. We have one made-up card:
FLAMES OF PERDITION (Trap Card)
Card Specs
Type: –
Attribute: –
Level: –
ATK: –
DEF: –
Card Description: An image of a demonic figure in white-hot flames. If you are attacked by a Monster with an ATK score of 3,000 or less, this card is triggered, destroying the Monster and healing your Life Points by 500.
Like most of Dark Sage's made-up cards, this one has a description that doesn't read like an actual card would.
- Chapter Thirteen, coming soon.
Oh, really? I thought Chapter 45 would be next after Chapter 12.
This has been Blade with another two hours of my life wasted the long-awaited twelfth or thirteenth chapter of Yu-Gi-Oh! Jr., Legacy of the Duelist: The Sporkening. Here's hoping that the next one doesn't take another three years. Good night, Livejournal.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-09 09:46 pm (UTC)