My tweets

• Wed, 21:03: I think the Seasonal Affective Disorder is kicking in again.
• Thu, 03:20: My grandmother passed away a few minutes ago.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

A lot of people have their grandparents die before they get out of high school. Mine lasted for much longer.

And then this morning my paternal grandmother passed on.

I really don't feel anything right now. It's like I'm standing behind a wall and watching someone else learn these things. I haven't cried, unlike everyone else I know.

I want to be sad, I want to grieve like everyone else in my family. But I can't.

When a dog I hadn't seen in months died a few weeks ago, I broke down completely. Why am I not feeling anything when it's my grandmother?

Maybe it's because the dog's death caught me entirely by surprise, while I was certain my grandmother wouldn't live out the week. I didn't feel much when my godmother's father died because he'd gotten increasingly frail over the past few years. Shock amounts for a lot of this.

There are so many parts of grief I just can't feel.

But I do feel one thing. I'm so very glad I visited her a few days ago. I'm glad I held her hand.

That will be the last image of her in my mind - one tinged with a sad acceptance, not one tarnished with regret.