I don't know what I'm feeling.

[mancalledtrue]

A lot of people have their grandparents die before they get out of high school. Mine lasted for much longer.

And then this morning my paternal grandmother passed on.

I really don't feel anything right now. It's like I'm standing behind a wall and watching someone else learn these things. I haven't cried, unlike everyone else I know.

I want to be sad, I want to grieve like everyone else in my family. But I can't.

When a dog I hadn't seen in months died a few weeks ago, I broke down completely. Why am I not feeling anything when it's my grandmother?

Maybe it's because the dog's death caught me entirely by surprise, while I was certain my grandmother wouldn't live out the week. I didn't feel much when my godmother's father died because he'd gotten increasingly frail over the past few years. Shock amounts for a lot of this.

There are so many parts of grief I just can't feel.

But I do feel one thing. I'm so very glad I visited her a few days ago. I'm glad I held her hand.

That will be the last image of her in my mind - one tinged with a sad acceptance, not one tarnished with regret.

Comments

[zelda-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

When my maternal grandfather died, the news just... seemed to happen. My dad was walking me home from middle school and he was very quiet. At one point on the way, he just told me that my grandfather died. And all I remember saying was, "Oh".

It didn't feel real when it first happened. I don't know if it's because I was rather young or not, but the way I view it now and the way I viewed it then are different. Grief comes in many different ways. I'm sure that if my grandfather had died when I was older, my response would have been different. But it was how it was.

I'm glad you got to see her. My condolences to you and your family. *hugs again*