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Chicago 2013, Days 4-5: B-Fest Assessment
Jan. 26th, 2013 07:18 pmI'll spare everyone the story of how I got lost on the way back from Dominick's. Suffice to say that when I returned to the hotel, I repacked my stuff and waited for Telstar. He arrived in due time, and we reached Norris with plenty of time for me to get my ticket and settle into a nest.
So! How'd the lineup fare this year?
The unofficial theme of B-Fest 2013 was "Nut Shots and Improvised Doors" - almost every film had nutshots and people getting thrown through walls or windows.
Breaker! Breaker! - Chuck Norris is a truck driver/martial artist whose younger, truck-driving brother is arrested on false charges and held captive by a town of redneck xenophobes. He responds with asskicking.
The opener at B-Fest is never dialogue-heavy, and this one fit that bill. Chuck Norris plays himself with a silly name, there's a widow who sleeps around, the sheriff's eyes are ridiculously toy-like (choice quip: "So I found this ring that makes you invisible"), and the ending is very off-kilter morally, as every building in the town (including those presumably belonging to people who didn't side with the sheriff) gets leveled by tractor-trailers.
The Wasp Woman - For two years in a row, the second film is far too talky for its spot. The CEO of a cosmetics company, who is also its chief model, realizes that her aging features are costing the company money. She hires a scientist who's having good results with wasp royal jelly extract (never mind that wasps don't make royal jelly), and when she's desperate for faster results, things go bad fast.
Aside from being incredibly slow-moving, this is a clear sign of how Roger Corman conducted business - set it up, shoot it, close it.
Steel - Shaquille O'Neal as the comic-book superhero with a suit of armor and a mighty hammer. Due to ratings concerns, he never actually gets to swing the hammer; instead, it's more of an all-purpose gun.
A remarkably silly and overworked plot about arms dealing forms the core of the film, which is hampered by stilted performances, lazy dialogue, and badly-composited action scenes (with the exception of the railyard chase, the only scene that accomplishes what they were trying to do). Small wonder it didn't make it to the franchise stage.
The raffle followed (I didn't win anything), and then, as the fest was ahead of schedule, they aired two shorts before WOSAT and Plan 9 - "Comics and Kids", which I'd seen twice at B-Fest, and a massively condensed version of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.
I threw my paper plates at the start of Plan 9, went out into the lobby to talk to people, and then went back in for the last twenty minutes. That was when they announced a schedule shift - for whatever reason, the pre-lunch film shifted into the 1:30 slot.
Sorority House Massacre - Imagine if they made Halloween (with the psychic link from the fourth film) on a budget of "Whatever you can fish out of the grates with chewing gum". Girl with a dark past pledges a sorority that's housed in a mass murderer's former home, and he's coming back. The twist is obvious.
A few breast shots do nothing to liven up this gawky, ill-constructed slasher product (try to keep the flashbacks and the dreams separate!). The first slasher film of B-Fest didn't turn out as we might have hoped.
Black Belt Jones - Hey, something I've seen! Jim Kelly is the titular martial artist, approached by the police to infiltrate a mob-owned winery; he's more inclined to after someone in the mob's debt starts putting pressure on the karate school he attended as a kid.
Jim Kelly films are only slightly better choreographed than Rudy Ray Moore films. However, the ridiculous noises he makes, the mighty beard of Pinky, and Scatman Crothers being a human version of Hong Kong Phooey keeps it going.
The Mole People - Some scientists descend into the depths of the earth, where they discover a lost Sumerian civilization.
MST3K handled this one, and well that they did - aside from head-scratching scripting (behold: the first scientific expedition that takes the Biblical Flood as writ!), the Mole People (slaves of the albino Sumerians) make the Wasp Woman look like Gollum. The ending is ruined by the Hayes Code.
Galaxina - In the far future, a robot develops human senses and emotions as she aids her ship's crew on a quest to retrieve the Blue Star (*heavenly chorus*), an item of great power.
This, bar none, was the worst film of the fest. Bad comedies are torture. Absolutely nothing happens for over 3/4s of the runtime, the jokes range from bad to "violates the Geneva Convention", all of the characters are either annoying or downright sickening, and despite starring a Playboy Playmate (for reasons that have to do with the lead's hopes for her career), nobody wears anything more revealing than a long nightgown. The makeup's pretty good, but it's not even close to being a game-saver.
Galaxina herself is played by the late Playmate and murder victim Dorothy Stratten. We managed to keep the jokes tasteful.
After suffering through that, I slept through the Sly Stallone-Dolly Parton musical comedy Rhinestone, waking up in time to catch the last fifteen minutes. They made it clear I had chosen wisely.
Attack of the 50-Foot Woman - An heiress with a drinking problem, an asshole husband, and a history of mental illness surprisingly unrelated to points 1 and 2 sees a satellite manned by a giant alien, which has unfortunate effects on her physique.
Some of the worst special effects ever made make this movie one of the most riffable films yet. Behold: impossibly out-of-scale puppets! Double exposures that couldn't pass muster in a Melieres trick film! Awful plaster props!
Lunch folllowed, and I participated in the traditional BMMB chat.
Beach Blanket Bingo - Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Erich von Zipper, a mermaid, and skydiving.
Innocuous teenie-bopper films always play well at B-Fest. It has to do with seeing how people in positions of power and influence viewed the youngsters. Buster Keaton's recurring role made it a great deal more effective than it would otherwise be.
Steele Justice - John Steele (ever since John Rambo, John is the go-to action hero name) is a Vietnam vet who was betrayed by a NVA general on a crucial assignment. Years later, drug dealers on the general's payroll slaughter John's partner's family, save for their daughter. John takes it on himself to bring the general down and avenge his friend.
I was dozing off throughout this film, and went for a snack partway through, so I can't say for certain if it ever rose above the action-movie canned product it felt like. Matthew Kove is in the embarrassing position of being a poor man's Reb Brown.
The Barbarians - A pair of orphaned boys, taken in by a tribe of nomadic entertainers, are abducted by an evil overlord and raised in prison pits, becoming body-building superstars David and Peter Paul (billed as "the Barbarian Brothers"). They break free from captivity on reaching adulthood, seeking their foster mother (the tribe's queen) and the magical ruby that protected the tribe before the overlord's attack.
Surprisingly less nudity than you'd expect from an '80s Italian sword-and-sandals. George Eastman appears, due to the little-known law that requires all Italian films from the '80s to have George Eastman, and is given the same dub voice as he had in Hands of Steel. Enjoyably stupid, and features a great performance by legendary character actor Michael Berryman as "the Dirtmaster".
Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991) - Year of production included in case there are several. Time travelers come back to the present in order to stop Godzilla from becoming more than the dinosaur he once was before the Bikini Atoll H-bomb test. They succeed, but due to schemes by the time travelers, a new, more powerful monster named King Ghidorah is attacking Japan. More time travel hijinks ensue as several people try to stop the time travelers's plans, King Ghidorah, and a revived and hateful Godzilla all at once.
I missed part of the first third due to needing to use the facilities, but all in all, this is an enjoyable entry in the franchise, terrible voice casting for the dub aside. King Ghidorah is a striking kaiju, and makes a fair match for Godzilla, and plenty of city-smashing ensues. Unfortunately, the time-travel plot proves that, as always, nobody cares about the humans in a Godzilla film for good reason.
Aside from the films, the only other incident of note (I forget where it came on the schedule) was an honest-to-Jabootu wedding modeled after the closing sequence in Spaceballs. Tomorrow, I go home. Hopefully I can get all my stuff on the bus.
So! How'd the lineup fare this year?
The unofficial theme of B-Fest 2013 was "Nut Shots and Improvised Doors" - almost every film had nutshots and people getting thrown through walls or windows.
Breaker! Breaker! - Chuck Norris is a truck driver/martial artist whose younger, truck-driving brother is arrested on false charges and held captive by a town of redneck xenophobes. He responds with asskicking.
The opener at B-Fest is never dialogue-heavy, and this one fit that bill. Chuck Norris plays himself with a silly name, there's a widow who sleeps around, the sheriff's eyes are ridiculously toy-like (choice quip: "So I found this ring that makes you invisible"), and the ending is very off-kilter morally, as every building in the town (including those presumably belonging to people who didn't side with the sheriff) gets leveled by tractor-trailers.
The Wasp Woman - For two years in a row, the second film is far too talky for its spot. The CEO of a cosmetics company, who is also its chief model, realizes that her aging features are costing the company money. She hires a scientist who's having good results with wasp royal jelly extract (never mind that wasps don't make royal jelly), and when she's desperate for faster results, things go bad fast.
Aside from being incredibly slow-moving, this is a clear sign of how Roger Corman conducted business - set it up, shoot it, close it.
Steel - Shaquille O'Neal as the comic-book superhero with a suit of armor and a mighty hammer. Due to ratings concerns, he never actually gets to swing the hammer; instead, it's more of an all-purpose gun.
A remarkably silly and overworked plot about arms dealing forms the core of the film, which is hampered by stilted performances, lazy dialogue, and badly-composited action scenes (with the exception of the railyard chase, the only scene that accomplishes what they were trying to do). Small wonder it didn't make it to the franchise stage.
The raffle followed (I didn't win anything), and then, as the fest was ahead of schedule, they aired two shorts before WOSAT and Plan 9 - "Comics and Kids", which I'd seen twice at B-Fest, and a massively condensed version of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.
I threw my paper plates at the start of Plan 9, went out into the lobby to talk to people, and then went back in for the last twenty minutes. That was when they announced a schedule shift - for whatever reason, the pre-lunch film shifted into the 1:30 slot.
Sorority House Massacre - Imagine if they made Halloween (with the psychic link from the fourth film) on a budget of "Whatever you can fish out of the grates with chewing gum". Girl with a dark past pledges a sorority that's housed in a mass murderer's former home, and he's coming back. The twist is obvious.
A few breast shots do nothing to liven up this gawky, ill-constructed slasher product (try to keep the flashbacks and the dreams separate!). The first slasher film of B-Fest didn't turn out as we might have hoped.
Black Belt Jones - Hey, something I've seen! Jim Kelly is the titular martial artist, approached by the police to infiltrate a mob-owned winery; he's more inclined to after someone in the mob's debt starts putting pressure on the karate school he attended as a kid.
Jim Kelly films are only slightly better choreographed than Rudy Ray Moore films. However, the ridiculous noises he makes, the mighty beard of Pinky, and Scatman Crothers being a human version of Hong Kong Phooey keeps it going.
The Mole People - Some scientists descend into the depths of the earth, where they discover a lost Sumerian civilization.
MST3K handled this one, and well that they did - aside from head-scratching scripting (behold: the first scientific expedition that takes the Biblical Flood as writ!), the Mole People (slaves of the albino Sumerians) make the Wasp Woman look like Gollum. The ending is ruined by the Hayes Code.
Galaxina - In the far future, a robot develops human senses and emotions as she aids her ship's crew on a quest to retrieve the Blue Star (*heavenly chorus*), an item of great power.
This, bar none, was the worst film of the fest. Bad comedies are torture. Absolutely nothing happens for over 3/4s of the runtime, the jokes range from bad to "violates the Geneva Convention", all of the characters are either annoying or downright sickening, and despite starring a Playboy Playmate (for reasons that have to do with the lead's hopes for her career), nobody wears anything more revealing than a long nightgown. The makeup's pretty good, but it's not even close to being a game-saver.
Galaxina herself is played by the late Playmate and murder victim Dorothy Stratten. We managed to keep the jokes tasteful.
After suffering through that, I slept through the Sly Stallone-Dolly Parton musical comedy Rhinestone, waking up in time to catch the last fifteen minutes. They made it clear I had chosen wisely.
Attack of the 50-Foot Woman - An heiress with a drinking problem, an asshole husband, and a history of mental illness surprisingly unrelated to points 1 and 2 sees a satellite manned by a giant alien, which has unfortunate effects on her physique.
Some of the worst special effects ever made make this movie one of the most riffable films yet. Behold: impossibly out-of-scale puppets! Double exposures that couldn't pass muster in a Melieres trick film! Awful plaster props!
Lunch folllowed, and I participated in the traditional BMMB chat.
Beach Blanket Bingo - Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Erich von Zipper, a mermaid, and skydiving.
Innocuous teenie-bopper films always play well at B-Fest. It has to do with seeing how people in positions of power and influence viewed the youngsters. Buster Keaton's recurring role made it a great deal more effective than it would otherwise be.
Steele Justice - John Steele (ever since John Rambo, John is the go-to action hero name) is a Vietnam vet who was betrayed by a NVA general on a crucial assignment. Years later, drug dealers on the general's payroll slaughter John's partner's family, save for their daughter. John takes it on himself to bring the general down and avenge his friend.
I was dozing off throughout this film, and went for a snack partway through, so I can't say for certain if it ever rose above the action-movie canned product it felt like. Matthew Kove is in the embarrassing position of being a poor man's Reb Brown.
The Barbarians - A pair of orphaned boys, taken in by a tribe of nomadic entertainers, are abducted by an evil overlord and raised in prison pits, becoming body-building superstars David and Peter Paul (billed as "the Barbarian Brothers"). They break free from captivity on reaching adulthood, seeking their foster mother (the tribe's queen) and the magical ruby that protected the tribe before the overlord's attack.
Surprisingly less nudity than you'd expect from an '80s Italian sword-and-sandals. George Eastman appears, due to the little-known law that requires all Italian films from the '80s to have George Eastman, and is given the same dub voice as he had in Hands of Steel. Enjoyably stupid, and features a great performance by legendary character actor Michael Berryman as "the Dirtmaster".
Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991) - Year of production included in case there are several. Time travelers come back to the present in order to stop Godzilla from becoming more than the dinosaur he once was before the Bikini Atoll H-bomb test. They succeed, but due to schemes by the time travelers, a new, more powerful monster named King Ghidorah is attacking Japan. More time travel hijinks ensue as several people try to stop the time travelers's plans, King Ghidorah, and a revived and hateful Godzilla all at once.
I missed part of the first third due to needing to use the facilities, but all in all, this is an enjoyable entry in the franchise, terrible voice casting for the dub aside. King Ghidorah is a striking kaiju, and makes a fair match for Godzilla, and plenty of city-smashing ensues. Unfortunately, the time-travel plot proves that, as always, nobody cares about the humans in a Godzilla film for good reason.
Aside from the films, the only other incident of note (I forget where it came on the schedule) was an honest-to-Jabootu wedding modeled after the closing sequence in Spaceballs. Tomorrow, I go home. Hopefully I can get all my stuff on the bus.
