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Bronydom Fanfic Reviews: Derpy's Dive
Dec. 16th, 2011 07:53 pmToday's Subject: Derpy's Dive
Author: Flutterspy911
Genre: Drama/Romance
Short summary: Derpy attempts to end her life, only for the most unlikely pony to give her a reason to live.
Review: This is a very popular story on FIMFiction, which makes me wonder about the general opinion of FIMFiction readers, as it's really rather poor.
To start with, it's a stylistic mess. The spelling is decent, but the punctuation and synonym usage are terrible, and the sentence breaks are all over the place. The viewpoint abruptly switches at several points between Pinkie Pie and Derpy; while the author manages to insert paragraph breaks on most occasions, they fail to on several others, leaving me confused. And the opening paragraphs frequently suffer sudden tense changes, the least forgivable of the style sins.
For another, it's just bland. The story is written in uninterested, beige prose, with few attempts to truly engage the thoughts of the characters. Pinkie Pie and Derpy blur into each other, making one wonder why the story bothers switching between their viewpoints. Several of the FIMFiction reviewers comment that the story feels rushed, and I can believe that it was, since it feels like it needed a few revisions to iron out the characters.
A few revisions to iron the plot wouldn't have hurt, either:
- Derpy attempts suicide after being called a retard by a stallion she was attracted to. Yet the story makes a point of how she's heard similar from most of the ponies she's encountered. We're never given a specific reason why THIS was the trigger incident that made her attempt to kill herself.
- The romantic elements are balanced on the ludicrous idea that Pinkie Pie is the only pony in Ponyville who would search the Everfree Forest for Derpy. The amount of noise a pegasus would make smashing through the Everfree canopy isn't addressed, nor is Zecora's apparent absence.
- Granted, Derpy never speaks on the show, but given she's apparently close to the Mane Six in this story, surely she's said more to them than "Muffin"? (It's a plot point that this is the only word Pinkie's ever heard her say.)
- It will be a minor miracle if Derpy can ever walk again given the amount of manhandling Pinkie does to her.
All in all, this is a story that doesn't deserve half the popularity its host site has given it. It didn't show up on Equestria Daily when I did a search, and I'm not surprised. Equestria Daily has prereaders.
Postscript: The only thing negative the FIMF.net reviewers had to say? They thought Flutterspy911 should have gone with "Ditzy Doo".
Author: Flutterspy911
Genre: Drama/Romance
Short summary: Derpy attempts to end her life, only for the most unlikely pony to give her a reason to live.
Review: This is a very popular story on FIMFiction, which makes me wonder about the general opinion of FIMFiction readers, as it's really rather poor.
To start with, it's a stylistic mess. The spelling is decent, but the punctuation and synonym usage are terrible, and the sentence breaks are all over the place. The viewpoint abruptly switches at several points between Pinkie Pie and Derpy; while the author manages to insert paragraph breaks on most occasions, they fail to on several others, leaving me confused. And the opening paragraphs frequently suffer sudden tense changes, the least forgivable of the style sins.
For another, it's just bland. The story is written in uninterested, beige prose, with few attempts to truly engage the thoughts of the characters. Pinkie Pie and Derpy blur into each other, making one wonder why the story bothers switching between their viewpoints. Several of the FIMFiction reviewers comment that the story feels rushed, and I can believe that it was, since it feels like it needed a few revisions to iron out the characters.
A few revisions to iron the plot wouldn't have hurt, either:
- Derpy attempts suicide after being called a retard by a stallion she was attracted to. Yet the story makes a point of how she's heard similar from most of the ponies she's encountered. We're never given a specific reason why THIS was the trigger incident that made her attempt to kill herself.
- The romantic elements are balanced on the ludicrous idea that Pinkie Pie is the only pony in Ponyville who would search the Everfree Forest for Derpy. The amount of noise a pegasus would make smashing through the Everfree canopy isn't addressed, nor is Zecora's apparent absence.
- Granted, Derpy never speaks on the show, but given she's apparently close to the Mane Six in this story, surely she's said more to them than "Muffin"? (It's a plot point that this is the only word Pinkie's ever heard her say.)
- It will be a minor miracle if Derpy can ever walk again given the amount of manhandling Pinkie does to her.
All in all, this is a story that doesn't deserve half the popularity its host site has given it. It didn't show up on Equestria Daily when I did a search, and I'm not surprised. Equestria Daily has prereaders.
Postscript: The only thing negative the FIMF.net reviewers had to say? They thought Flutterspy911 should have gone with "Ditzy Doo".
