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mancalledtrue
Man Called True: I had a situation here. The Emperor took one look at the next chapter and refused to have anything to do with it. Same goes for Golbez and Laguna. Yes, folks, it just goes downhill from here. So…I had to call in a favor or two. For this chapter, I decided to bring in some heroes. From Final Fantasy XII, Balthier…
Balthier: I suppose I can live with being a supporting role today.
MCT: And from Final Fantasy X, Auron.
Auron: What new hell is this?
MCT: You’re about to find out.
(The title is “Panic Attack”)
MCT: As a sufferer of panic attacks, I take offense.
After half an hour, Father returned to the dungeon to see if Lotus and Snowball were suffering enough. When they saw him, Snowball clutched the book to her chest.
Balthier: (Snowball) Do what you like, but you aren’t getting my D&D Player’s Guide!
"So," said Father, "now that you know the fate that awaits your friends, perhaps you'll have a little more respect for your elders!"
MCT: (Father) You WILL go to bed at a respectable hour!
"You're insane," said Lotus, through her teeth.
Father ignored the insult.
Auron: Mockery is the ignorant warrior’s weapon, after all.
"You two are doubtlessly wondering why you're still alive," he said. "Well let me assure you, it's only a temporary arrangement. Once the Moonbase is in our possession, I'm going to crush Numbah 362 and the rest of her officers by doing away with one her privileged ones right in front of her!"
Balthier: From personal experience, I can tell you that publically killing people is far more hassle than you would think.
MCT: Also… “one of her privileged ones”. Literary inertia at work again?
"Public execution?" said Snowball. "That's really low."
"Don't feel bad, Snowball," said Father. "At least you'll be joining her."
"I've only lost one of my lives," growled Snowball. "You'll have to do it eight times..."
"Then that's exactly what I'll do, wise guy!" shouted Father, as flames erupted around him. Lotus and Snowball drew back in fright.
Auron: Wouldn’t it be quicker and easier to throw her in a tank of acid and watch her flounder her eight lives away?
"Ahem," said Father. "Now if you don't mind, I'll be taking that book back..."
Lotus and Snowball gave each other worried looks.
MCT: (Lotus) If he finds out what we doodled in the margins…
Tears started to form in Snowball's eyes.
"Father, please," she said. "I beg you... have mercy and let us keep it... Let us be with our friends at least in spirit until the end..."
"Humph, pathetic," said Father. "Fine, keep the notebook. See if I care. It isn't like you can free them from the Isle..."
Balthier: So many problems he could have solved by not giving them the damned book.
Auron: Let this story stand as a testament to why you never base your plots on villainous stupidity.
(Of course, it’s a put-on… SCENE CHANGE to the Isle)
On the Isle of the Dread, in an alternate dimension, Numbah One and Blossom, who were the leaders of their respective teams
MCT: Oh, really? I thought they just yelled orders for the hell of it.
were standing in front of the rest of them, who were sitting on the sandy beach. Dark clouds were forming overhead, and the palm trees of the Isle were swaying in an erratic breeze.
Auron: The wind blew in a north-northwesterly direction, and the humidity stood at twelve percent.
"Okay everybody," said Numbah One. "We aren't going to lie to you. It seems that Father is more of a sorcerer than we made him out to be. He's somehow sent us to this strange island in the middle of nowhere."
Balthier: (Numbah One) We will now draw straws to see which of us will be the first week’s food supply.
"All the weapons we brought are gone," said Blossom. "Those of us with super powers have found that they are ineffective. Not to mention that there's some sort of being lurking in the clouds that obviously means us harm. It doesn't look good."
MCT: She then demonstrated how to kiss your own ass goodbye.
"We have no idea what dangers lurk on this island," said Numbah One. "But there's always a way out of every trap. If we remain calm and try to deal with this in a reasonable manner, we might just survive to..."
"Might?" said Numbah Three. "We're gonna die!"
Tears poured from her eyes.
"I don't wanna die!" screamed Bubbles "I'm too young!"
She started crying too.
Auron: And yet the rest of the characters – who are all under thirteen, let us remember – show no signs of distress or worry.
Balthier: Well, of course not! They’ve got wills of steel and hearts of stone! They are the epitome of herodom, and only the “girly” members of the team dare show any emotion in the face of danger! Also, this is a terrible story.
"Kuki, get ahold of yourself!" said Numbah Four, shaking her.
"Bubbles, don't make me slap you!" said Buttercup.
Blossom sighed. "This isn't dealing with it in a reasonable manner," she said.
MCT: (Blossom) Okay, start the waterboarding.
Numbah Three and Bubbles calmed down a little.
"Now then," said Blossom. "We have to search this place for a way out, and we can't get separated. We all have to stay close."
The other six of them crowded around Numbah One and Blossom.
"That's a little too close," said Numbah One.
Auron: (Numbah One) I think someone just trampled Numbah Four.
The evil face in the clouds formed again.
"By all means, stay as close as you like!" it said. "For soon, the horrors of this Isle will strike!"
Balthier: Did the evil face in the clouds speak in rhyme last chapter?
MCT: Not really. “So” and “you” don’t rhyme, even though they sound kind of similar.
Balthier: So he’s trying to have his villain speak in rhyme and failing… The only thing worse than a dramatist who thinks he’s clever is one who’s wrong about it.
(Our heroes are presented with their worst foes)
"Stand your ground, everyone!" said Numbah One.
The gang of villains charged. All eight of them formed fighting stances.
"All right you bozos!" said Buttercup, "if we're going down, we're going down fighting!"
"What she said!" said Numbah Four.
Auron: After a few seconds, they all took off running in different directions.
However, just as the mob was within five feet, they vanished.
"An illusion..." said Numbah Two.
MCT: And then the Delightful Children turned off their invisibility field, and the villains slaughtered them en masse.
They all stood dumbfounded for a minute.
"Come on everybody," said Blossom. "We have to get out of this madhouse!"
Staying together, they wandered off of the beach and into the jungle.
Balthier: According to my map, they’re leaving Cheese Bridge and entering the Forest of Illusions.
(“Time passes” SCENE CHANGE)
After pushing through the jungle for some time, they heard something – someone was playing some sort of flute.
"What's that?" said Numbah Four.
"Maybe we aren't alone?" said Bubbles.
Auron: Saria is just playing a prank on you.
They followed the music, and came upon a lagoon being fed by a waterfall.
Sitting on a rock was a young girl, about ten years old, playing a panpipe. She was bizarre in appearance.
She had long blonde hair, and green, catlike eyes. Her face was smooth as porcelain, and her ears were pointed, like an elf's. She was dressed in white furs, and no shoes.
MCT: I swear to the gods Brian stole this description from somewhere else, but I can’t place where, and it’s driving me mad.
She stopped playing, and stared at them.
Numbah One stepped forward.
"Um, hi," he said. "I'm Numbah One of the Kids Next Door, and my friends and I are in trouble..."
Balthier: (Numbah One) Have you seen my car?
She continued to stare.
"You see, we were sent here by Father, and..."
She gasped. She spoke in a musical voice:
"Father was he who sent you here?
Then horrid things will soon appear!
No friend of his is a friend of me...
You can't fool Vadania...
Nosiree..."
Auron: I would like to point out that Snowball and Lotus inserted her into this place. They had to write all of it down. So they had to specifically write that she can speak only in verse, acts like a stereotypical “magical elf”, and misunderstands the people she’s supposed to be assisting. And yet the villains are supposed to be the stupid ones.
MCT: Also, BLATANT THEFT ALERT – Vadania is the sample druid in 3rd Edition Dungeons and Dragons, though she looks nothing like this remarkably silly-looking… thing.
Balthier: When you have to use as stupid a word as “nosiree” to rhyme your verse, you shouldn’t write verse in the first place.
(She runs off, leaving the kids in the lurch; SCENE CHANGE)
In a secret lair, Him watched the group through a special viewing portal.
"The time is right," he said. "They were rattled by my little villain illusion, and now it is time to start unleashing the full effect of the Isle of the Dread upon them!
MCT: This isn’t Him, this is Rita Repulsa!
"Now then, who to choose first? Numbah Three and Bubbles are likely the ones who scare the easiest..."
He thought and rubbed his chin.
"But then, only wimps take the easy approach. I'll truly terrify them by starting with the bravest one there is..."
Auron: Cowards take the easy way, idiots take the hard way.
His eyes fell on Numbah Five.
"Yes," he said. "Perfect..."
Balthier: (Him, a la Miles Gloriosus) My bride, my bride, come bring to me my bride…
(SCENE CHANGE)
They continued to wander though the jungle.
MCT: “Though the jungle” what?
"Numbah Five is gettin' sick of this," said Numbah Five, as they stopped to rest. "If Father thinks he can scare us with a deserted island, then he's..."
And then she heard a hissing noise. She froze.
Balthier: (Numbah Five) …absolutely right!
Suddenly, a form slithered into view in front of her – a huge copperhead snake!
But only she saw it. The rest of her friends saw nothing.
Auron: For she had taken the brown acid.
"NO!" said Numbah Five. "Keep away!"
"Numbah Five what is it?" said Numbah One.
"Numbah Five hates snakes!" she yelled. "She can't stand snakes!"
MCT: Numbah Five should stop talking to herself.
(The first snake is joined by a small army of snakes)
"It's another illusion!" said Numbah One. "One that only she can see!"
"But what's the point?" said Blossom.
All: FILLER!
And then, her seven friends looked on in sheer horror...
As Numbah Five cowered in fear, her left foot faded from view! The rest of her left leg started to disintegrate as well. It was as if her body was slowly being erased!
Fiendish laugher echoed from above.
"Foolish children," said the face in the clouds. "In this place, your fears come alive, and they'll destroy you! Soon, you'll all be reduced to oblivion!"
Balthier: Ah, the proud tradition of “never say die”.
Auron: While being reduced to nothing is a fine villainous threat, it loses some of its sting when you know they won’t go through with it.
MCT: First the face didn’t rhyme, then it did, now it doesn’t. Pick a motif and stick to it, Brian.
The demon vanished.
"Numbah Five!" said Numbah One. "Those snakes don't exist! Tell yourself that!"
Numbah Five looked up, but the snakes were too real, and her leg was almost gone.
Balthier: Oh, dreg, it’s up to my leg, oh, fiddle, it’s up to my middle, oh, heck, it’s up to my neck, oh, dread, it’s up to my-
"Keep them away..." she sobbed.
"What can we do?" said Numbah Two, almost in panic.
Auron: Almost? His friend is being wiped out of existence by an unearthly power, and he can only muster almost panic?
"What was that girl's name?" said Bubbles.
She thought.
"Vanessa... no, Vadania!" she shouted. "Please, you have to help us!"
MCT: Doesn’t “Vanessa” seem like a more likely name? I have trouble believing Snowball or Lotus could pull a fantastic name like “Vadania” out of thin air while terrified for their friends’s safety.
Vadania suddenly appeared on a tree above, filing her long nails. She looked at them all in disgust.
She said:
"What did I say? I told you no.
I don't help allies of my foe."
Balthier: How appropriate. The figure Snowball and Lotus created is an utter bitch that jumps to conclusions.
"Vadania," said Numbah One. "We aren't allies of Father! The Kids Next Door are his mortal enemies!"
Vadania's eyes opened wide.
She leapt down from the trees.
"You truly are Father's enemy?
Then you're the one's I'm sent to see."
Auron: First you accuse them without proof, and then you agree without proof. Fickle, are you not?
(Vadania explains the origins of the Isle)
Vadania continued.
"This Isle makes you dread and fear,
Its curse will make you disappear.
It preys on emotions negative,
You must find in you the positive!
The eight of you are warriors bold;
Think of victories of old.
To keep from getting truly caught,
Think your most heroic thought.
To escape the Isle's horrid bait,
Remember a triumph that was great!"
MCT: And there’s the pattern for the next couple chapters. The heroes defeat the evil magic by basically saying, “I’m SO AWESOME, and here’s why!”
Auron: This will get old fast.
Balthier: I brought brandy. Everyone help yourselves; we’ll probably need it.
(Numbah Five is having trouble coming up with something)
Vadania scratched her forehead.
"For me such things aren't hard to find...
Tales of the past bombard my mind...
Numbah Five, listen...
I recall a trip that can't be beat,
When you braved a temple for a frosty treat."
Balthier: One more bad poem and I shoot the words right off the screen.
(She remembers now! SCENE CHANGE)
Inside Numbah Five's mind:
Everybody knows that there are three basic flavors of ice cream – chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Keep your chocolate-chip cookie dough and your chunky monkey ripple – you can't beat the basics.
But only a true ice cream gourmet like me believed the legend that long ago there was a fourth basic flavor, one better than the other three, one that was hidden away so that only the most worthy of ice cream lovers could ever so much as taste it. It was my lifelong goal to someday find that fourth flavor.
Unfortunately, the Delightful Children wanted to find it too, so when they found the Temple of the Fourth Flavor, they dragged there, hoping I'd know how to open the door to the inner sanctum. I opened it all right, and I found the treasure – but then the brats thought they could commit downright sacrilege by taking it all and giving it to the adults. After they were the first to taste it, of course.
But they screwed up. They think they're so smart, but they're stupid! Imagine trying to put sprinkles on sacred ice cream! I don't even do that with plain old vanilla! They irked the wrath of some celestial dessert gods, and the place started to cave in.
I could have just run for my life like they did, but I was determined to get a taste of that ice cream, even if it was the last thing I ever tasted. I tried my hardest, and in the end, I was rewarded with what I had sought my whole life... and the taste of victory was never sweeter!
MCT: Ugh… They bring this episode up in the sequel, too. That this is her crowning achievement says far more about the heroes in this story than anything else.
Notice something about her big heroic moment? It’s all about her. She’s not saving anyone. She’s not defeating evil – the Delightful Children defeat themselves. No, this is entirely about her own personal goals and own personal gain.
Her big heroic moment, the one that defeats a curse of pure evil, is selfish.
(SCENE CHANGE)
She came back to awareness, and the snakes vanished. Her limbs quickly grew back.
"All right!" said Numbah Two.
The rest of them cheered. Numbah Five took some deep breaths.
"Ha!" said Buttercup. "How do you like THAT, Him? Your Isle doesn't scare us!"
Auron: A flaming meteor smote them where they stood, and Buttercup’s last thought was, “Why did I taunt the Devil?”
(SCENE CHANGE to Him)
In his secret lair, Him growled.
"So, Numbah Five survived," he said. "No matter, she'll be demoralized once a few of her friends are gone, and then I'll try again.
MCT: And Him goes OOC – one of his explicitly stated character traits is that he never repeats his plans.
"In the meantime...
"You don't think my Isle scares you, Buttercup? We'll see about THAT!"
Balthier: Then he turned, saw himself in a mirror and passed out.
(SCENE CHANGE)
"You sure you're alright Numbah Five?" said Numbah Two.
Auron: No, that would be Traumatized Numbah Five.
"Numbah Five will be," said Numbah Five.
"Well, we aren't out of the woods yet, guys," said Blossom. "I'm certain that Him has more surprises in store for us."
MCT: Imagine their expression when they get to the spring-loaded nut cans.
(The girls explain who Him is)
"Well, he'd better not show himself here," said Numbah Four. "Or I'll give him THIS!" He swung his fist. "And THIS and THIS!"
Balthier: And then he punched himself in the throat.
"Calm down, Numbah Four," said Numbah One. "Don't lose focus. "That's exactly what he wants you to do."
Auron: Did someone else speak up in the middle there?
They entered a large clearing, and standing before them was a huge, wooden tiki mask, that glared at them evilly.
"Um..." said Numbah Four.
MCT: They seem to have entered a tiki bar.
Balthier: Or wandered into Donkey Kong Returns.
MCT: …that would explain so much.
"Boy is that ugly!" said Numbah Three.
Then Buttercup heard something.
"Buttercup..." said a soft whisper. "Buttercup..."
Auron: Even in my world, where ghosts can speak, hearing voices is never a good sign.
"What?" she said. She started to move towards the mask.
"Buttercup, don't go near it!" shouted Blossom.
And then, in Buttercup's eyes, she saw something start to crawl out of the mask's eyes and mouth...
All: Lawyers.
(No, it’s a horde of spiders)
"No!" said Blossom. "It's another illusion! Buttercup has arachnophobia!"
"She's afraid of heights?" said Numbah Four.
"No, that's acrophobia," said Blossom annoyed.
Balthier: The Powerpuff Z character?
MCT: No, that’s Hyper Blossom.
As Buttercup tried to swat away the spiders in a futile attempt, she saw a dark form appear behind the tiki mask – an enormous black widow spider, twice the size as her!
"NOOO!" she said.
And then her legs started to vanish, just as Numbah Five's did.
Auron: (Buttercup/Arthur Dent) My legs drifting off into the sunset…
(Thinking positive isn’t working)
"That isn't enough," said Blossom.
She paused.
"Vadania!" she said. "Help!"
Vadania appeared on top of the evil mask.
MCT: (Vadania) This is a recording…
"Girls," she said.
"I remember all your fights and foes,
Along with all your private woes...
Buttercup, listen...
You've always been the toughest one,
Not quitting till the fight was won.
But violence always ruled your life
Until you learned to tame that strife.
Listen closely to this elf...
What foe was harder than yourself?"
(Balthier stands up, cocks his gun, and shoots a hole through the “poem”)
She vanished.
"What does she mean?" said Bubbles.
Buttercup gave a strange look. She stared at the huge spider bearing down upon her...
"Wait," she said. "I know what she meant!"
Auron: If this is some sort of self-reliance message, I empty my sake jug.
(SCENE CHANGE)
Inside Buttercup's mind:
It's true I've always been the toughest member of the Powerpuff Girls, someone who always wants to play rough. My sisters have told me at times that I was too violent, but I never gave it much thought. In my opinion, villains deserved the punches I gave them. They were villains, after all.
But I almost crossed the line one day when Fuzzy Lumpkins started causing a ruckus, like he always was. We took him on, and I tore into him, badly. I didn't give it much thought at the time – but then, an hour later, I found out that I had nearly killed him!
It really struck a cord for me, and I had to get away to do some serious thinking. I was a practical mess at that point. I figured I was out of control, and no better than a bully sometimes. For a minute or two, I was even considering giving up the whole superheroine thing.
But that's when he found me. A mysterious Zen master who sympathized with me. He took me under his wing and helped me control my anger, making my mind clearer than it had ever been. He taught me what it truly meant to be a warrior, and not just a thug. I even helped him when his former student – none other than Mojo – came to cause trouble. I left with a better feeling about myself, and with hope for the future. I was honestly certain at that point that I'd never cross the line again.
MCT: First of all, this is a description of an actual episode, “Makes Zen To Me”. Brian, at least, doesn’t make up high points, but instead relates them to canon events.
But once again, it’s all about her. The great, heroic moment that she calls upon – it’s not saving lives, it’s not stopping a monster from harming others. It’s her getting stronger and achieving for herself.
Now, granted, learning not to kill people by accident is a far cry from “YAY I’M THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER EAT THE FOURTH FLAVOR”. But it’s still not something that benefited anybody in the long run. That Zen master? Vanished from the series entirely after that episode. Everything she learned in it? Discarded once the show didn’t need it. It’s an achievement that, in the end, only benefited her.
We’re 2-for-2 in selfish triumphs.
Auron: And it’s spelled “chord”. (empties his jug)
(SCENE CHANGE)
Buttercup's torso and legs reappeared, and the spiders vanished.
"Phew," she said, sitting down. "That was a narrow escape."
"This place isn't so tough," said Numbah Four. He turned to the dark cloud.
"Bring it on, Him!" he said. "You'll never scare me!"
"Numbah Four!" said Numbah One. "It isn't smart to tempt fate!"
Balthier: Finally someone catches on!
"Well, where should we go next?" said Numbah Two. We still have no idea how we're getting home..."
Out of the mist, a large temple appeared.
"Well," said Numbah One, "that might seem like the next step..."
Auron: With any luck, it’s Macalania Temple, and the priests will skin them alive for trespassing.
(SCENE CHANGE to Him targeting Four, SCENE CHANGE back)
More to come...
