mancalledtrue (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mancalledtrue) wrote2011-10-30 03:36 am
mancalledtrue) wrote2011-10-30 03:36 am
Entry tags:
Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter 9
Time for one of those themes that LOOKS like a good idea, but which nobody has ever really pulled off.
Title: "Food For Thought". Gods, I hate "clever" pun titles.
The friends camped out under the trees nearby the diner. As the sun came up, they yawned and stretched, not knowing that unseen eyes were watching them.
The hills have eyes. And they're bloodshot.
In her repaired monitor room, Anastasia smiled. "Careful my friends," she said. "You never know how close you may be to a potential enemy – and right now you're closer than you think."
Great, did she jack up the random battle rate or something?
She chuckled. "And right after breakfast, I'll make sure that this enemy will be presenting you with an offer that will be hard to refuse. Then you will see a side of Duel Monsters that even your most twisted nightmares could not produce…"
In this story, if you know anything about this game, that's all of these duels so far.
SCENE CHANGE:
"How'd you guys sleep?" said Yugi.
"Like the dead," said Clive.
ZOMBIE! PURGE THE UNCLEAN!
"What time is it?"
"Eight o'clock," said Mary. "Come on, let's see what Jackie has on her breakfast menu!"
Much to their surprise, they discovered that Jackie's Spot was one of those places that only open at noon.
SCENE CHANGE again:
A short time later, Jackie was serving them plates full of pancakes, sausage, and fruit, with large glasses of orange juice.
"Y'all just enjoy yourselves, and let me know if you need anything, y'hear?" she said with a smile.
Then a ring came from the kitchen. "Oh, excuse me…" she said.
It was the south, demanding she turn over her accent.
"Wonder who that could have been?" said Peter.
In the kitchen, Jackie's cook had picked up the phone. "It's for you," he said. "It sounds important."
"Said something about a 'Mr. Ramsey'."
Jackie picked up the phone, and before she could say "hello," a voice said, "Turn on your monitor Jacqueline."
They had her best skillet tied to a chair.
Jackie's hand shook as she turned on the computer monitor next to the phone. Anastasia's face, speaking on a headset phone appeared.
Great, she's a telemarketer.
"Y-yes, Miss Pegasus?" said Jackie, nervously.
"Well, Jacqueline," said Anastasia. "How are things at the diner lately?"
"Have you had any more grease fires lately? I'm tired of covering your fire insurance, you know."
"Oh, ah, great ma'am," she responded. "This kid had a great duel here last night with…"
"Yes I know," said Anastasia. "He and his party are there for breakfast right now, aren't they?"
"Uh, yeah…"
"There is rat poison in the sealed box on your counter. Mix it into the frosting and offer them free cinnamon rolls. You know the penalty for refusing."
"Listen, Jacqueline," said Anastasia, "I believe they are the perfect ones for you to offer your… special wager to."
"What?" said Jackie. "You want me to… with them? Aw, do I have to?"
Whoa, there. Step outside the context of this fanfic and reread these lines. Then wonder how on Earth the connotations escaped Brian Corvello.
Anastasia's eyes narrowed. "What's the matter Jacqueline, are you getting soft?"
"No, it's just that I'm getting to like them… I don't think that I could… you know…"
And this just makes it worse. It takes a special sort of mind to completely miss how this sounds.
Anastasia raised her cane up and began polishing the knob with a handkerchief. "Let me put it this way," she said. "Unless you want me to start using you as a bookmark, you'll do it, comprende'?" She thrust the cane forward.
Some days I loathe having a filthy mind.
"NO!" yelled Jackie in a panic. "Not that! Please! I'll do it, I swear!"
"Good. Now remember, you've got to be ruthless, merciless. Drop that sweet attitude and act like you should for this sort of job. That's why I hired you, you know. I'll be watching from here. If you even THINK about sponging it and letting them win, well, there are worse things I can use you for than a bookmark. Over and out."
She hung up.
Jackie started to sweat. She went over to a desk and opened the drawer.
"What was that all about?" asked the cook.
"None of your damn business," said Jackie.
And we just keep rolling with "Far Worse Than It Should Sound" Theater. Honestly, this dialogue should be in a scene where what she takes out of the drawer is either a loaded Beretta or a bottle of aphrodisiacs, not this...
She took something out of the desk – a deck of dueling cards.
This is one of many, many scenes where Brian (and later his worshipper Chris) try to make things sound serious and vastly overdo it.
SCENE CHANGE:
"So, where exactly are we going to go from here," said Mary, as they were just finishing up.
"Maybe that waitress can give us directions," said Yugi. "Where'd she go? We still have to pay the check."
Waiting on your bill: a time-honored nuisance in the dining world.
Jackie was just inside the door to the kitchen, taking some deep breaths. "Here goes," she said. "Don't blow this Jacqueline, just keep in mind what she did to the other waitress… think of your parents…"
Who apparently don't mind that you're a waitress in a greasy spoon in some madwoman's amusement park, so why would they care now?
"Gentlemen!" she said coming out. "Mind if I join you for a minute?"
"Sure…" said Yugi. "It, um, is your diner…"
Beside him, Mary did the time-honored "Twirl a finger beside your temple" motion while Clive tried not to laugh.
Now, just look at this crap:
"Of course," said Jackie, pulling up a chair. "You know, you guys seem like nice folks, and that duel last night was so awesome, that I'm going to make an offer I don't usually make. Fact, I can only make it once…"
"Uh, an offer?" said Yugi.
"Yes. See, I'm charged with selling food to the guests, but this little restaurant isn't the only place in the Labyrinth where you can get edibles. Not by a long shot. But you guys must admit, it is awfully expensive spending those hard-found Star Coins on the basics of survival."
"Meaning…?" said Yugi.
"Well, it would be a great deal easier if you had one of THESE," she said. She held up a golden card, on which was painted a picture of a cornucopia overflowing with fruit and vegetables.
"That's an odd-looking Duel Monsters card," said Yugi.
"It isn't a game card," said Jackie. "This is called a Card of Plenty – there are only four of them in the Labyrinth. If you present this token to any way station in the Labyrinth, you can get any edibles you want free; Miss Pegasus will foot the bill."
Yugi gave her a strange look. "I assume you aren't going to just give it to us," he said.
Jackie laughed a laugh that was not at all pleasant. "Course not!" she said. She placed the card in her pocket. "One of you is going to have to win it from me. Duel with me if you dare – win, and I'll hand it over."
"And if we lose?" asked Yugi.
"Then you all give me ALL the Star Coins you currently own. Plus, you can never win this particular Card of Plenty again. But I'll be a sport and let you pay for breakfast first."
"Of course," said Jackie, pulling up a chair. "You know, you guys seem like nice folks, and that duel last night was so awesome, that I'm going to make an offer I don't usually make. Fact, I can only make it once…"
"Uh, an offer?" said Yugi.
"Yes. See, I'm charged with selling food to the guests, but this little restaurant isn't the only place in the Labyrinth where you can get edibles. Not by a long shot. But you guys must admit, it is awfully expensive spending those hard-found Star Coins on the basics of survival."
"Meaning…?" said Yugi.
"Well, it would be a great deal easier if you had one of THESE," she said. She held up a golden card, on which was painted a picture of a cornucopia overflowing with fruit and vegetables.
"That's an odd-looking Duel Monsters card," said Yugi.
"It isn't a game card," said Jackie. "This is called a Card of Plenty – there are only four of them in the Labyrinth. If you present this token to any way station in the Labyrinth, you can get any edibles you want free; Miss Pegasus will foot the bill."
Yugi gave her a strange look. "I assume you aren't going to just give it to us," he said.
Jackie laughed a laugh that was not at all pleasant. "Course not!" she said. She placed the card in her pocket. "One of you is going to have to win it from me. Duel with me if you dare – win, and I'll hand it over."
"And if we lose?" asked Yugi.
"Then you all give me ALL the Star Coins you currently own. Plus, you can never win this particular Card of Plenty again. But I'll be a sport and let you pay for breakfast first."
First and foremost, what exactly would be the point of setting up this "Card of Plenty" business if she can only make the offer once? If she doesn't find anyone that fits whatever criteria are in place, then it's a massive waste of setup. Presumably, these same criteria, setup, and potential for wasted opportunity are in place at the other three locations.
At the end of the chapter, it turns out that Anastasia put this in place so that she can use it to spy on Yugi and Mary. In which case, wow, that is a lot of setup for something that she could do more or less at will, given the number of cameras she's got around here.
And what's the point of the punishment, aside from just being plain spiteful? I suppose Anastasia doesn't want to knock Yugi or Mary out of the tournament outright, though it'd be a little unfair to anyone else who gets stuck with this situation.
Yugi scratched his chin. "Can we have a moment to talk about this?" he said.
"Take as long as you like," said Jackie. "In the meantime, can I get you anything else?"
"No, we're fine."
"Though I think we'll need booze in a minute."
As she walked to the other side of the room, Yugi spoke up. "You know people, this may be worth the effort. If we didn't have to spend Star Coins on food, we'd have plenty left for other things."
"Like film," said Peter.
Fulfilling his only note of characterization.
"Or, more importantly, cards," said Mary, "if we find anyone selling them."
"Still," said Yugi, "as sweet and helpful as she's been, she is one of Anastasia's employees. The Minotaur warned us about such duelists. She could be awfully good; for all we know, Anastasia could have trained her herself."
"Or she could be cannon fodder. Who knows?"
"I think it's worth the risk," said Mary. "If we lose, we'll just look harder for more coins."
"Guys, there's another problem," said Yugi. "She watched me duel last night – she's seen a good portion of my deck and a lot of my strategies."
All of them looked at Mary.
Mary sighed, adjusted her dress to show cleavage, let her hair down, and moved to see if Jackie swung that way.
"Okay," she said, "I'll do it."
"Oh, Jackie," she called over.
Then she batted her eyes.
"Yes?"
"Fine, I'll duel you for that card. But one question – it IS what you say it is, isn't it?"
"Sure," she said. "Lying isn't allowed here; don't you know that?"
I can't stop laughing at how Yugi and company just buy this.
"Oh yeah," said Mary. "Well, give us the check, and then I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
Okay, thought Jackie. Just remember, focus, concentrate, and don't throw up.
She then vomited on Mary's shoes.
SCENE CHANGE:
Outside at the dueling station, Mary and Jackie took their seats; Yugi, Pete, and Clive sat on the same spot that the spectators sat last night. Pete was putting fresh film in his camera
Thereby again fulfilling his one character trait.
Yugi waved his hand over his Millennium Puzzle, and the change overtook him in a flash of light.
"Remember, Mary," he said. "Focus your thinking, concentrate on what your doing, and have faith in yourself! We're all here for you!"
He then leaned over and advised the others to get their words of consolation ready.
The station roared to life, and the numbers 2,000 appeared below each duelist.
"Now shuffle and draw," said Jackie, "and good lu… I mean, prepare yourself, 'cause I'm gonna deep fry you and serve you on a bun!"
Yeah, thought Jackie as she shuffled, that's the right was to talk!
The sad part is that she's SUPPOSED to sound lame, but she doesn't sound any worse than Brian's normal quips.
"Well, that was… unpleasant," said Clive.
"Not really," said Yugi. "I sense that Jackie is purposely trying to sound more menacing than she really is. It's as if her heart wasn't really into this…"
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
"Guess I'll go first," said Jackie. "Tell me something Mary, do you like escargot?"
"Snails? Yuck! No!"
"Then you'll like this one even less! I summon the Bolt Escargot, in Attack Mode!" She lay the card down, and a monstrous gray snail with a patterned shell appeared. (1,400/1,500)
Oh hai, Gary.
"Ugh," said Mary. "You were right, I [I]don't[/I] like that."
Oh, goody, a formatting screwup!
She looked at her cards. "I play a card facedown, and summon the Hero of the East, in Defense Mode!" She put the cards down, and a Warrior in green oriental armor appeared, and took a defensive stance. (1,100/1,000)
The Hero of the East. He came out of the East to do battle with THE AMAZING RANDO!
"That's my move," said Mary.
"Ha!" said Jackie. "I'm going to turn that Hero into soup! Bolt Escargot, slime spray attack!"
The huge snail spit a stream of acid at the Hero of the East… but then a field of light deflected it back! The acid hit the Escargot, and it melted into sludge!
"Humph," said Mary. "I hated to waste my Mirror Force Trap on a big snail, but what choice did I have?"
You should be more concerned about wasting it on the first goddamn turn, Mary. Nobody has any sense of strategy in this story.
Jackie's Life Points went down to 1,650.
"Okay," said Jackie. "I'll play two facedown cards of my own, and then play a Monster facedown in Defense to finish my move."
Huh, thought Mary. Wonder what she's got cooking now.
Don't you start.
Maybe I should try to take out that hidden monster – she might be setting up a fusion of some sort.
"I'll switch Hero of the East to Attack Mode," she said, turning the card.
"Attack that facedown Monster!" she commanded.
The Hero swung his sword, but it was blocked by a wall of force.
"Fell into my Negate Attack Trap," said Jackie, lifting one of her facedown cards.
There it is again - a paragraph needlessly split in two, followed by Negate Attack! Stop doing that, story!
"Yeah?" said Mary. "Well, I'm just getting started!"
This combo worked before, she thought, so I'll try it again.
"I play the Monster Egg in Attack Mode!" she said. She lay the card down, and the egg with eyes and legs appeared. (600/900).
I've commented on Monster Egg's lack of legs in the real game the last time she did this.
"That's pretty weak," said Jackie. "My next Monster will scramble that egg!"
Spare me the egg jokes...
"Not when I Equip it with this!" said Mary. "Insect Imitation!" She placed down the card, and the egg burst. This time it hatched into the axe-wielding Battle Ox. Its stats changed to 1,700 over 1,000.
FUN FACT: In Japan, "Battle Ox" is called "Minotaurus". That "Mighty Minotaur" back in Chapter 2? Completely superfluous!
I could try to make another go at that hidden Monster, she thought, but she has another facedown card… I'd better wait.
You have no choice. Negate Attack shuts the Battle Phase. Even if you hadn't, you already went into your Main Phase 2 to make your Summon.
"Finally," said Mary, "I'll play a card facedown to end my turn."
"Okay," said Jackie, "I'll play another card facedown, and then summon in Attack Mode, the Battle Steer!" She lay down the cards, and the familiar armored bull with a trident appeared. (1,800/1,300)
It bellowed with a remarkably high-pitched voice.
"That concludes my turn," said Jackie.
Two facedown cards now, thought Mary, drawing. I'd best play conservatively.
"CHARRRRRRRRRGE!"
"My move will consist simply of summoning this Monster – the Hunter Spider, in Defense Mode." She put the card down, and the huge Spider appeared. (1,600/1,400)
Yugi curled up into a tiny ball.
"Now," said Jackie. "I will take my most lethal recipe from the oven – and throw it in your face! I first summon the Bio Plant, in Defense Mode!"
She placed down the card, and a hideous yellow-and-green plant-like fiend appeared. (600/1,300)
Mary gave her a look. "THAT wimp is 'lethal'?"
Well, it can be fatal if you get it in a booster pack and beat your head against a wall...
"Not by itself!" said Jackie. "I command my facedown monster to show itself! Appear, Griggle!"
A… thing jumped out from the square that was hiding it. Barely two feet tall, it was a small green bush with leaves resembling hair, wearing blue shoes. (350/300)
"Oh, I get it," said Mary, almost laughing. "You're going to win by making me laugh to death!"
No mention of its effect, I see. Though its effect is irrelevant in this situation...
"What do you think Jackie's up to?" said Clive.
"I don't know," said Yugi, somberly.
"Why am I always scared when you say that?" said Clive.
Because Yugi is supposed to be a godly repository of knowledge in this story and any gap in his knowledge is a cause for alarm?
"And now," said Jackie, "I use THIS!" She took one of her facedown cards and held it high. The green borders identified it as a Spell Card, but it was the strangest Spell Card they had ever seen. The picture looked sort of like… a demon dressed like a chef!
"What the?" said Mary.
"This is the Hamburger Recipe Ritual!" said Jackie. "I place it down, and I offer Griggle, Bio Plant, and Battle Steer as sacrifice!"
Those actually ARE the required monsters for the ritual in Duelist of the Roses and Forbidden Memories. This is the first time Brian Corvello's gotten that part of things right.
As she put it down, the demon on the card appeared, in giant form. It produced two spatulas, and started flipping the three monsters like hamburger patties! Then it all disappeared, and a rumble was heard.
That's the lamest ritual animation I could possibly think of for this. Seriously, just flipping them? No flamebroiling, no skillets, no heat?
"The offering has been accepted…" said Jackie.
A hook on a chain swung down, catching her through the chest, and a grill appeared from nowhere. As she struggled, the flames shot up, and the chef prepared his knife, other hand raking the coals...
"What the heck has she summoned?" said Clive.
A huge frying pan appeared, and it gave a flip – and out of it, a giant hamburger with a huge fanged mouth appeared! (2,000/1,850)
"THE HUNGRY BURGER!" yelled Jackie. "Homicidal, hold the pickle!"
Ronald McDonald's soul card! Everybody run!
"Okay," said Clive, "this is creepy."
"Yeah," said Peter, "but it makes a good photo."
Peter, step out of your character for one second and be a PERSON.
"And I'm not done!" said Jackie. "It's time for a change of terrain!" She picked up her other facedown card – it bore the picture of a purple book with a rainbow on it.
"A Toon World Card!" said Yugi in shock.
"That's right!" said Jackie. "Magic come near, Toon World appear!"
She placed down the card, and Blam! Bang! Zap! the grid was transformed into a huge open book, and cartoonish buildings and trees popped out of it!
"That card is one of the rarest and most lethal Field Cards in existence," said Yugi, "even after it was altered and made into a Field Spell Card for distribution after my father's tournament. I once saw one for sale at a convention for two-hundred dollars."
Yeah, that's about all the explanation we're going to get for this massive pile of bullshit. The rules for the Toon World Field in this story are so inconsistent that it's not even worth trying to keep them straight. Let's follow them and see how they twist and turn!
"You see," said Jackie, "the Hungry Burger is one of the select few Monsters that gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World terrain – as you can see, its numbers are rising!"
And they were – its numbers increased to 2,500 over 2,350!
"However," said Jackie, "this Field is a liability to most other monsters, including all three of the ones you have now!"
It was true. At that moment, Mary's Hero of the East sank to 600 over 500, her Battle Ox to 1,200 over 500, and her Hunter Spider to 1,100 over 900.
At this point, the rule amounts to "Silly monsters get +500/+500, nonsilly monsters get -500/-500". A giant hamburger fits into the "silly" category.
"Now," said Jackie, "Hungry Burger, attack Hero of the East! Burger bite attack!" The monstrous sandwich lunged at the Warrior and bit him in two! Mary's Life Points fell sharply, all the way down to a mere 100!
Aww, no "food that bites back" joke?
"Man, what is Mary gonna do?" said Clive. "As long as Toon World is there, she's got nothing that can stand up to that monstrosity!"
"Have hope, people," said Yugi. "If Mary doesn't panic, there IS something she can do. Believe in the Heart of the Cards."
"And authorial favoritism."
"Why don't you just give up now, little girl," said Jackie. "One more successful attack, and I can just stick a fork in you – you're done!" Then she thought to herself, yeah, that's the right way to talk. I'm getting the hang of this!
"I can get a job at 4Kids if this doesn't work out!"
"It ain't over till the fat lady sings!" said Mary. "I'll shift my Battle Ox to Defense Mode, and then use my facedown card – Red Medicine!"
She placed down the card, and the vial of the red hearing elixir appeared, bringing her Life Points up to 600.
"Fortunately, Spell Cards still have full effect in Toon World." she said. "Now do your worst!" she said.
Fuck, someone scratched the record.
"'Kay," said Jackie. "Hungry Burger, attack Battle Ox!" The Burger lunged at the Beast-Warrior and chewed it apart.
"Your move," she casually said.
Needless adjective is needless.
Mary drew. Now this is my lucky day, she thought.
"I'll just use another healing Spell Card," she said. "Mooyan Curry!"
She placed the card down, and the odd gravy boat appeared, pouring onto the grid. Mary's Life Points went up to 800.
"Your turn again," said Mary.
No food comments from Jackie? Not even a "What the hell is curry doing in a gravy boat"?
Hungry Burger kills Hunter Spider, and Jackie makes a meaningless taunt.
Mary looked at her hand. She's right, she thought. I've got to go on the offensive. I've got part of the solution, but I've got to draw the right card before I dare play this one. C'mon Heart of the Cards, do your stuff!
She drew… and smiled.
"God, I love it when I can cheat on the author's dime!"
"I'll first play a card facedown," she said. "Now, have your Burger take a good look at THIS Monster! Dream Clown, in Attack Mode!
The thin, clownish jester appeared on the grid. (1,200/900) His stats dropped to 700 over 400.
First of all, his name is Dream Clown. I think it's a given he's "clownish". Secondly, how is it that a CLOWN doesn't qualify as "silly" and thus doesn't get a benefit from Toon World?
But then the Dream Clown opened his eyes; they glowed, and he starred at the Hungry Burger!
"My… my Hungry Burger is hypnotized!" gasped Jackie.
"That's right!" said Jackie. "The Toon World may weaken most Monsters' stats, but their extra effects remain in place. My Dream Clown has spellbound that overgrown piece of junk food! And it's your move."
That isn't how Dream Clown works in the real game at all. Fucking Dream Clown. How does IT work?
Got to get rid of that Clown, thought Jackie, drawing. Aha!
"I summon the Fiend Fowl, in Attack Mode!" she yelled, laying a card down. A huge demented chicken appeared on the grid and squawked. (1,400/1,000)
"Ugh," said Mary, "that's even worse than the Burger!"
"This guy might look like something from an old Gary Larson comic strip," said Jackie, "but he also gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World!" And as she said that, its stats went up to 1,900 over 1,500.
"Fiend Fowl," commanded Jackie, "attack Dream Clown with piercing peck attack!"
In the created card section for this chapter, Brian gives Fiend Fowl's rules as those of a Toon Type A. A Toon Type A is a "classic" Toon monster - the sort that Pegasus used in Duelist Kingdom. The first rule for a Toon Type A is that it can't attack the turn it's summoned.
This means that Brian's own created monster has broken the rules. Nevermind that it's not based on a pre-existing monster, like all other Toons in the game.
The worst part? He lists it as using "updated" rules. Which means that it was likely just a "silly" monster in the original story, and thus didn't break any rules.
The huge chicken lunged forward. C'mon, thought Mary, come to papa…
At the last moment, a chain with a vise grabbed the Fowl, and it fell down with a "Buccaw!"
"Forgot I had a facedown card, did you?" said Mary. "The Bear Trap. And Traps are just as effective in Toon World as they are anywhere else."
And thanks to the Toon World boost, this move is just as incorrect as it was anywhere else in this story.
Jackie's Life Points fell to 1,175.
"Fine, make your move," said Jackie. "You used your Trap - my next Monster will fricassee that Clown."
Mary drew. "Oh, I don't think so," she said. "I now play the Crass Clown!" She put the card down, and a fat clown in green and pink carrying a staff appeared. (1,350/1,400) His stats fell to 850 over 900.
Why does Brian insist on making cameos in his own stories?
"And what do you plan on doing with THAT goofball?" said Jackie.
"I'll show you!" said Mary.
Man, she thought, I hope Yugi was right about this…
"Crass Clown and Dream Clown… fusion!"
The two clowns stood side-by-side and began to tiptoe towards each other, fingers extended and arms cocked.
The two jesters hi-fived each other, and the magic of the fusion turned them to balls of light, which melded together. When the light took form, a small box appeared on the grid, and a sinister-looking jack-in-the-box popped out! It laughed a loony cackle.
"Bickuribox, in Attack Mode!" said Mary. (2,300/2,000)
I love this guy's theme music. Not that it has anything to do with anything, I just do.
"No! Not him, not him!" cried Jackie.
"Since you're so scared," said Mary, "you obviously know that this guy, like your Hungry Burger, gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World!"
And she was right. The Bickuribox's stats rose to 2,800 over 2,500!
Given that this was one of the original Pegasus monsters, it's sensical that it would get a boost from Toon World. Even if it wasn't, it's still a "silly" monster.
"Now, Bickuribox," commanded Mary. "Annihilate that abomination! Jack-in-the-box slash attack!"
The Bickuribox produced a large scythe, cranked itself back, and then sprung out at lightning-fast speed, slashing into the Hungry Burger and demolishing it in an explosion of tomatoes, lettuce, and onions! Jackie's Life Points fell to 875.
Aww, no mention of pulling the scythe out of its mouth?
"Yahoo!" yelled Clive. "Go Mary! You got that on film, Peter?"
"You bet!"
Shut up, Peter. Just... shut up.
Yugi cautions restraint, Mary heals herself with another Red Medicine, and we're on Jackie's turn again.
Drat, thought Jackie. I don't have any more Toon monsters; so my best bet is to cut my losses and undo what I did.
"I use Burning Land!" she said, placing a Spell Card down. A stream of fire fell from the sky, and incinerated Toon World! The stats for Mary's Bickuribox fell to their normal 2,300 over 2,000.
Wow. What an incredible burst of fail. There was so much potential for description, and he sums it up in a single sentence.
"And now, I'll just play my spare Bio Plant in Defense Mode," said Jackie, "to end my move." She placed the card down, and a second Bio Plant appeared.
"Trying to stall, huh?" said Mary. "Bickuribox, attack that Bio Plant!" The Bickuribox sprang forward again, and sliced the Bio Plant apart.
"You like to cook so much, Jackie, don't you?" said Mary. "Well why don't I cook YOU! I play the Hinotama!" She put the card down; flames erupted on Jackie's side, reducing her Life Points to 375.
Technically there aren't any grammar errors here, but it's still not quite sound. Mary goes from one thought (the attack) to another (the Hinotama). There should be some note that distinguishes this is the case, but there isn't. It's confusing.
"Make your move," said Mary, with a smile.
Jackie drew… and grinned.
"I don't like that look," said Clive.
"It's the look of tyrants, madmen, and bad fanfic writers."
"What are you going to play now," said Mary, "a six-foot tall Philly cheesesteak with bad breath?"
Nah, just Flamin' Yawn.
"Intriguing concept," said Jackie, "but no. First, I'll do some healing of my own, with Pomegranate Juice!" She put the Spell Card down, and a pitcher of red juice appeared over her side, which then poured into a glass. Her Life Points went up to 1,175.
Useless created card count goes up! And you know, with an animation like that, she could've drunken it.
"Now, here's a Monster for you," she said. "I play the Mystic Tomato, in attack Mode!" she put down the card, and a huge tomato with a fiendish face appeared. (1,400/1,100)
"Okay," said Mary. "This is REALLY getting out of hand."
"I'm not done!" said Jackie. "I'll strengthen my Tomato with Vile Germs!" She lay down the Equip, and a swarm of purple bacteria attached itself to the Mystic Tomato, covering it with spots. Its stats went up to 1,900 over 1,600.
Close, but wrong. He got its dual-stat raising right, but he's off by 200 points.
"And finally, I'll lay one card facedown," she said, putting down the card.
"You're bluffing," said Mary, "and I'm not going to fall for it. Bickuribox, turn that tomato into paste!"
No, you idiot! Turn it into sauce! Tomato paste is crap!
The Bickuribox zipped forwards again… but this time, it was stopped by a magical binding!
"I wasn't bluffing this time," said Jackie. "That facedown was Spellbinding Circle!"
The Bickuribox's stats went down to 1,700 over 1,400.
In the anime, Spellbinding Circle reduces the affected monster's stats by 700. I'll let you do the math on the mistake here.
Mary ends her turn, and Jackie kills the Bickuribox with Mystic Tomato.
"Okay," said Mary, drawing. "I summon Swamp Battleguard, in Attack Mode!" She placed the card, and the green, horned Warrior appeared. (1,800/1,500)
"And I use this Equip – Invigoration!" She lay down the card, the Battleguard started to glow, and his stats went to 2,100 over 1,200.
...You know, he got this card RIGHT only a couple chapters ago.
"Now, Swamp Battleguard, battle bash attack!" yelled Mary. The Battleguard raised his club, and smashed the Mystic Tomato to bits! Jackie's Life Points went down to 975.
"Seems like I stewed your tomato," said Jackie.
Jackie apparently attacked her own monster.
"Yes, but that measly two hundred Life Points was definitely worth it," said Jackie with a smile.
A beeping noise sounded, indicating a message on Jackie's console.
"Because," she said, picking up her deck, "due to the Mystic Tomato's destruction, I now get to reshuffle, and choose from my deck any Dark Monster with an Attack of 1,500 or less that I choose!"
She shuffled the deck and picked out a card. "And here's my choice! The Crazy Cuisinart, in Attack Mode!"
She lay the card down, and a weird Machine appeared on the grid. It looked like a huge blender with an array of mechanical knives and cleavers at its base. (1,500/2,000)
Now Brian's just REACHING.
"Ugh," said Clive. "This duel is just getting weirder and weirder."
And dumber and dumber.
"And now," said Jackie, "I Equip my Cuisinart with 7 Completed to raise its Attack power!" She placed down the Equip; a large blue "7" appeared on the front of the Machine, and its stats went up to 2,200 over 2,000.
"Now, crazy cutlery attack!" yelled Jackie. The Cuisinart's blades started spinning, and they sliced the Swamp Battleguard to chunks! Mary's Life Points fell to 1,000.
Mary fumed at having to replace her dress for the fourth time that week.
"That will conclude my move," said Jackie.
"Talk about gruesome," said Peter. "I don't think I'll take a picture of the her next move…"
I swear on Asimov's sideburns I will make Brian Corvello eat a camera one of these days.
The blender kills Kojikocy in Defense Mode.
"So, what are you going to throw out next?" said Jackie.
Mary drew. "Something that is going to bring this duel to a close," she said, placing the card down. "Behold, the Flame Swordsman, in Attack Mode!" She placed the card down, and the orange-armored warrior appeared. (1,800/1,600)
"A fat lot of good THAT will do you," said Jackie.
"I'm not playing dinosaurs!"
"It will after he gets some aid," said Mary. "First, I use this Equip – the fiery power of Salamandra!"
She put down the Equip card, and the Swordsman's blade burned with fire, and his Attack score went up to 2,500.
Then he stopped, dropped, and rolled.
"I could destroy that Cuisinart now, but I'm anxious to put you out of your misery," said Mary. "So I'm using this Equip card too – read it and weep - the magical mystical power of Megamorph!"
"What? No!" said Jackie.
Finally! Hit the count!
"WHAT? NO!" COUNT: 2
It cuts the Cuisinart's ATK in half because Jackie's got more LP, Flame Swordsman attacks, and it's over.
"Good work, Mary," said Yugi. "Even in the most bizarre of duels, the Heart of the Cards still came through for you."
"Yeah," said Mary. "And the taste of victory was never sweeter!"
Please let the food jokes be OVER.
SCENE CHANGE:
After the station had shut down, a rather depressed Jackie took the Card of Plenty out of her pocket. "I guess this is yours now," she sighed.
"Just don't tell anyone where you got it, they laugh at me enough as it is."
"Thank you," said Mary. "This will certainly be of help."
"Assuming Peter doesn't take it as a license to waste our Star Coins on hookers."
"And we'll be on our way," said Yugi. "Perhaps we'll see you again."
As they turned to leave, Jackie turned back towards her diner. "I doubt it," she mumbled, with a "march to the gallows" look on her face.
The cook was waiting for her with a garrote.
As she walked back in, the phone rang again. Twenty times more nervous than before, she picked it up.
"So, Jacqueline," said Anastasia's voice on the other end. "I saw the whole thing – that was some duel. Mary's use of the Megamorph was quite clever…"
"A cliche, but quite clever nonetheless."
"I know," said Jackie, almost sobbing. "I lost, and I had to give them the Card of Plenty. Just please, before you come here and make me into a card, let me at least call my parents and tell them…"
"Now why on Earth would I do a thing like that?" said Anastasia. "That was one of the best duels I've ever seen – I even taped it.
WaitwaitwaitwaitwaitFUCKING WAIT. She has a VCR. Hooked to her cameras. SHE HAS A VCR HOOKED TO HER-
No. NOT focusing on the plotholes. Just getting through this chapter!
Tomorrow, I'm giving you a raise."
"Huh?" said Jackie in surprise. "But I lost, and…"
"...I didn't even get Mary's cellphone number!"
"I expected you to Jacqueline
Is that anything like the Charleston?
And this was all part of a more complex plan. You've done your part well. Now you just put the cards away and continue running the diner for whatever guests that come… I don't think I'll have need of your dueling skills in the near future."
She hung up, and Jackie hung up herself, puzzled.
"Why? That dumbass setup ensured I only have to duel once."
In her lair, Anastasia started filing her nails with a long file.
Oh, goody. A feminine villain cliche.
"Losing that Card of Plenty isn't as much a setback as Jackie believes," she said, "and I'm gaining more information with every passing day. Yugi is strong, as is his protégé.
"Their ability to cheat magically is worrisome."
Their strength will make their ultimate undoing far more delicious than any entrée that Jacqueline could ever serve them…"
GODDAMNIT
She looked at a screen, and watched as the four friends walked down the path…
"It needn't be soon," she said. "I'm a patient woman…"
We'll see about that.
The created card section reveals that Crazy Cuisinart (what a stupid name...) is a "magic bullet" against Plants. Why?
Title: "Food For Thought". Gods, I hate "clever" pun titles.
The friends camped out under the trees nearby the diner. As the sun came up, they yawned and stretched, not knowing that unseen eyes were watching them.
The hills have eyes. And they're bloodshot.
In her repaired monitor room, Anastasia smiled. "Careful my friends," she said. "You never know how close you may be to a potential enemy – and right now you're closer than you think."
Great, did she jack up the random battle rate or something?
She chuckled. "And right after breakfast, I'll make sure that this enemy will be presenting you with an offer that will be hard to refuse. Then you will see a side of Duel Monsters that even your most twisted nightmares could not produce…"
In this story, if you know anything about this game, that's all of these duels so far.
SCENE CHANGE:
"How'd you guys sleep?" said Yugi.
"Like the dead," said Clive.
ZOMBIE! PURGE THE UNCLEAN!
"What time is it?"
"Eight o'clock," said Mary. "Come on, let's see what Jackie has on her breakfast menu!"
Much to their surprise, they discovered that Jackie's Spot was one of those places that only open at noon.
SCENE CHANGE again:
A short time later, Jackie was serving them plates full of pancakes, sausage, and fruit, with large glasses of orange juice.
"Y'all just enjoy yourselves, and let me know if you need anything, y'hear?" she said with a smile.
Then a ring came from the kitchen. "Oh, excuse me…" she said.
It was the south, demanding she turn over her accent.
"Wonder who that could have been?" said Peter.
In the kitchen, Jackie's cook had picked up the phone. "It's for you," he said. "It sounds important."
"Said something about a 'Mr. Ramsey'."
Jackie picked up the phone, and before she could say "hello," a voice said, "Turn on your monitor Jacqueline."
They had her best skillet tied to a chair.
Jackie's hand shook as she turned on the computer monitor next to the phone. Anastasia's face, speaking on a headset phone appeared.
Great, she's a telemarketer.
"Y-yes, Miss Pegasus?" said Jackie, nervously.
"Well, Jacqueline," said Anastasia. "How are things at the diner lately?"
"Have you had any more grease fires lately? I'm tired of covering your fire insurance, you know."
"Oh, ah, great ma'am," she responded. "This kid had a great duel here last night with…"
"Yes I know," said Anastasia. "He and his party are there for breakfast right now, aren't they?"
"Uh, yeah…"
"There is rat poison in the sealed box on your counter. Mix it into the frosting and offer them free cinnamon rolls. You know the penalty for refusing."
"Listen, Jacqueline," said Anastasia, "I believe they are the perfect ones for you to offer your… special wager to."
"What?" said Jackie. "You want me to… with them? Aw, do I have to?"
Whoa, there. Step outside the context of this fanfic and reread these lines. Then wonder how on Earth the connotations escaped Brian Corvello.
Anastasia's eyes narrowed. "What's the matter Jacqueline, are you getting soft?"
"No, it's just that I'm getting to like them… I don't think that I could… you know…"
And this just makes it worse. It takes a special sort of mind to completely miss how this sounds.
Anastasia raised her cane up and began polishing the knob with a handkerchief. "Let me put it this way," she said. "Unless you want me to start using you as a bookmark, you'll do it, comprende'?" She thrust the cane forward.
Some days I loathe having a filthy mind.
"NO!" yelled Jackie in a panic. "Not that! Please! I'll do it, I swear!"
"Good. Now remember, you've got to be ruthless, merciless. Drop that sweet attitude and act like you should for this sort of job. That's why I hired you, you know. I'll be watching from here. If you even THINK about sponging it and letting them win, well, there are worse things I can use you for than a bookmark. Over and out."
She hung up.
Jackie started to sweat. She went over to a desk and opened the drawer.
"What was that all about?" asked the cook.
"None of your damn business," said Jackie.
And we just keep rolling with "Far Worse Than It Should Sound" Theater. Honestly, this dialogue should be in a scene where what she takes out of the drawer is either a loaded Beretta or a bottle of aphrodisiacs, not this...
She took something out of the desk – a deck of dueling cards.
This is one of many, many scenes where Brian (and later his worshipper Chris) try to make things sound serious and vastly overdo it.
SCENE CHANGE:
"So, where exactly are we going to go from here," said Mary, as they were just finishing up.
"Maybe that waitress can give us directions," said Yugi. "Where'd she go? We still have to pay the check."
Waiting on your bill: a time-honored nuisance in the dining world.
Jackie was just inside the door to the kitchen, taking some deep breaths. "Here goes," she said. "Don't blow this Jacqueline, just keep in mind what she did to the other waitress… think of your parents…"
Who apparently don't mind that you're a waitress in a greasy spoon in some madwoman's amusement park, so why would they care now?
"Gentlemen!" she said coming out. "Mind if I join you for a minute?"
"Sure…" said Yugi. "It, um, is your diner…"
Beside him, Mary did the time-honored "Twirl a finger beside your temple" motion while Clive tried not to laugh.
Now, just look at this crap:
"Of course," said Jackie, pulling up a chair. "You know, you guys seem like nice folks, and that duel last night was so awesome, that I'm going to make an offer I don't usually make. Fact, I can only make it once…"
"Uh, an offer?" said Yugi.
"Yes. See, I'm charged with selling food to the guests, but this little restaurant isn't the only place in the Labyrinth where you can get edibles. Not by a long shot. But you guys must admit, it is awfully expensive spending those hard-found Star Coins on the basics of survival."
"Meaning…?" said Yugi.
"Well, it would be a great deal easier if you had one of THESE," she said. She held up a golden card, on which was painted a picture of a cornucopia overflowing with fruit and vegetables.
"That's an odd-looking Duel Monsters card," said Yugi.
"It isn't a game card," said Jackie. "This is called a Card of Plenty – there are only four of them in the Labyrinth. If you present this token to any way station in the Labyrinth, you can get any edibles you want free; Miss Pegasus will foot the bill."
Yugi gave her a strange look. "I assume you aren't going to just give it to us," he said.
Jackie laughed a laugh that was not at all pleasant. "Course not!" she said. She placed the card in her pocket. "One of you is going to have to win it from me. Duel with me if you dare – win, and I'll hand it over."
"And if we lose?" asked Yugi.
"Then you all give me ALL the Star Coins you currently own. Plus, you can never win this particular Card of Plenty again. But I'll be a sport and let you pay for breakfast first."
"Of course," said Jackie, pulling up a chair. "You know, you guys seem like nice folks, and that duel last night was so awesome, that I'm going to make an offer I don't usually make. Fact, I can only make it once…"
"Uh, an offer?" said Yugi.
"Yes. See, I'm charged with selling food to the guests, but this little restaurant isn't the only place in the Labyrinth where you can get edibles. Not by a long shot. But you guys must admit, it is awfully expensive spending those hard-found Star Coins on the basics of survival."
"Meaning…?" said Yugi.
"Well, it would be a great deal easier if you had one of THESE," she said. She held up a golden card, on which was painted a picture of a cornucopia overflowing with fruit and vegetables.
"That's an odd-looking Duel Monsters card," said Yugi.
"It isn't a game card," said Jackie. "This is called a Card of Plenty – there are only four of them in the Labyrinth. If you present this token to any way station in the Labyrinth, you can get any edibles you want free; Miss Pegasus will foot the bill."
Yugi gave her a strange look. "I assume you aren't going to just give it to us," he said.
Jackie laughed a laugh that was not at all pleasant. "Course not!" she said. She placed the card in her pocket. "One of you is going to have to win it from me. Duel with me if you dare – win, and I'll hand it over."
"And if we lose?" asked Yugi.
"Then you all give me ALL the Star Coins you currently own. Plus, you can never win this particular Card of Plenty again. But I'll be a sport and let you pay for breakfast first."
First and foremost, what exactly would be the point of setting up this "Card of Plenty" business if she can only make the offer once? If she doesn't find anyone that fits whatever criteria are in place, then it's a massive waste of setup. Presumably, these same criteria, setup, and potential for wasted opportunity are in place at the other three locations.
At the end of the chapter, it turns out that Anastasia put this in place so that she can use it to spy on Yugi and Mary. In which case, wow, that is a lot of setup for something that she could do more or less at will, given the number of cameras she's got around here.
And what's the point of the punishment, aside from just being plain spiteful? I suppose Anastasia doesn't want to knock Yugi or Mary out of the tournament outright, though it'd be a little unfair to anyone else who gets stuck with this situation.
Yugi scratched his chin. "Can we have a moment to talk about this?" he said.
"Take as long as you like," said Jackie. "In the meantime, can I get you anything else?"
"No, we're fine."
"Though I think we'll need booze in a minute."
As she walked to the other side of the room, Yugi spoke up. "You know people, this may be worth the effort. If we didn't have to spend Star Coins on food, we'd have plenty left for other things."
"Like film," said Peter.
Fulfilling his only note of characterization.
"Or, more importantly, cards," said Mary, "if we find anyone selling them."
"Still," said Yugi, "as sweet and helpful as she's been, she is one of Anastasia's employees. The Minotaur warned us about such duelists. She could be awfully good; for all we know, Anastasia could have trained her herself."
"Or she could be cannon fodder. Who knows?"
"I think it's worth the risk," said Mary. "If we lose, we'll just look harder for more coins."
"Guys, there's another problem," said Yugi. "She watched me duel last night – she's seen a good portion of my deck and a lot of my strategies."
All of them looked at Mary.
Mary sighed, adjusted her dress to show cleavage, let her hair down, and moved to see if Jackie swung that way.
"Okay," she said, "I'll do it."
"Oh, Jackie," she called over.
Then she batted her eyes.
"Yes?"
"Fine, I'll duel you for that card. But one question – it IS what you say it is, isn't it?"
"Sure," she said. "Lying isn't allowed here; don't you know that?"
I can't stop laughing at how Yugi and company just buy this.
"Oh yeah," said Mary. "Well, give us the check, and then I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
Okay, thought Jackie. Just remember, focus, concentrate, and don't throw up.
She then vomited on Mary's shoes.
SCENE CHANGE:
Outside at the dueling station, Mary and Jackie took their seats; Yugi, Pete, and Clive sat on the same spot that the spectators sat last night. Pete was putting fresh film in his camera
Thereby again fulfilling his one character trait.
Yugi waved his hand over his Millennium Puzzle, and the change overtook him in a flash of light.
"Remember, Mary," he said. "Focus your thinking, concentrate on what your doing, and have faith in yourself! We're all here for you!"
He then leaned over and advised the others to get their words of consolation ready.
The station roared to life, and the numbers 2,000 appeared below each duelist.
"Now shuffle and draw," said Jackie, "and good lu… I mean, prepare yourself, 'cause I'm gonna deep fry you and serve you on a bun!"
Yeah, thought Jackie as she shuffled, that's the right was to talk!
The sad part is that she's SUPPOSED to sound lame, but she doesn't sound any worse than Brian's normal quips.
"Well, that was… unpleasant," said Clive.
"Not really," said Yugi. "I sense that Jackie is purposely trying to sound more menacing than she really is. It's as if her heart wasn't really into this…"
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
"Guess I'll go first," said Jackie. "Tell me something Mary, do you like escargot?"
"Snails? Yuck! No!"
"Then you'll like this one even less! I summon the Bolt Escargot, in Attack Mode!" She lay the card down, and a monstrous gray snail with a patterned shell appeared. (1,400/1,500)
Oh hai, Gary.
"Ugh," said Mary. "You were right, I [I]don't[/I] like that."
Oh, goody, a formatting screwup!
She looked at her cards. "I play a card facedown, and summon the Hero of the East, in Defense Mode!" She put the cards down, and a Warrior in green oriental armor appeared, and took a defensive stance. (1,100/1,000)
The Hero of the East. He came out of the East to do battle with THE AMAZING RANDO!
"That's my move," said Mary.
"Ha!" said Jackie. "I'm going to turn that Hero into soup! Bolt Escargot, slime spray attack!"
The huge snail spit a stream of acid at the Hero of the East… but then a field of light deflected it back! The acid hit the Escargot, and it melted into sludge!
"Humph," said Mary. "I hated to waste my Mirror Force Trap on a big snail, but what choice did I have?"
You should be more concerned about wasting it on the first goddamn turn, Mary. Nobody has any sense of strategy in this story.
Jackie's Life Points went down to 1,650.
"Okay," said Jackie. "I'll play two facedown cards of my own, and then play a Monster facedown in Defense to finish my move."
Huh, thought Mary. Wonder what she's got cooking now.
Don't you start.
Maybe I should try to take out that hidden monster – she might be setting up a fusion of some sort.
"I'll switch Hero of the East to Attack Mode," she said, turning the card.
"Attack that facedown Monster!" she commanded.
The Hero swung his sword, but it was blocked by a wall of force.
"Fell into my Negate Attack Trap," said Jackie, lifting one of her facedown cards.
There it is again - a paragraph needlessly split in two, followed by Negate Attack! Stop doing that, story!
"Yeah?" said Mary. "Well, I'm just getting started!"
This combo worked before, she thought, so I'll try it again.
"I play the Monster Egg in Attack Mode!" she said. She lay the card down, and the egg with eyes and legs appeared. (600/900).
I've commented on Monster Egg's lack of legs in the real game the last time she did this.
"That's pretty weak," said Jackie. "My next Monster will scramble that egg!"
Spare me the egg jokes...
"Not when I Equip it with this!" said Mary. "Insect Imitation!" She placed down the card, and the egg burst. This time it hatched into the axe-wielding Battle Ox. Its stats changed to 1,700 over 1,000.
FUN FACT: In Japan, "Battle Ox" is called "Minotaurus". That "Mighty Minotaur" back in Chapter 2? Completely superfluous!
I could try to make another go at that hidden Monster, she thought, but she has another facedown card… I'd better wait.
You have no choice. Negate Attack shuts the Battle Phase. Even if you hadn't, you already went into your Main Phase 2 to make your Summon.
"Finally," said Mary, "I'll play a card facedown to end my turn."
"Okay," said Jackie, "I'll play another card facedown, and then summon in Attack Mode, the Battle Steer!" She lay down the cards, and the familiar armored bull with a trident appeared. (1,800/1,300)
It bellowed with a remarkably high-pitched voice.
"That concludes my turn," said Jackie.
Two facedown cards now, thought Mary, drawing. I'd best play conservatively.
"CHARRRRRRRRRGE!"
"My move will consist simply of summoning this Monster – the Hunter Spider, in Defense Mode." She put the card down, and the huge Spider appeared. (1,600/1,400)
Yugi curled up into a tiny ball.
"Now," said Jackie. "I will take my most lethal recipe from the oven – and throw it in your face! I first summon the Bio Plant, in Defense Mode!"
She placed down the card, and a hideous yellow-and-green plant-like fiend appeared. (600/1,300)
Mary gave her a look. "THAT wimp is 'lethal'?"
Well, it can be fatal if you get it in a booster pack and beat your head against a wall...
"Not by itself!" said Jackie. "I command my facedown monster to show itself! Appear, Griggle!"
A… thing jumped out from the square that was hiding it. Barely two feet tall, it was a small green bush with leaves resembling hair, wearing blue shoes. (350/300)
"Oh, I get it," said Mary, almost laughing. "You're going to win by making me laugh to death!"
No mention of its effect, I see. Though its effect is irrelevant in this situation...
"What do you think Jackie's up to?" said Clive.
"I don't know," said Yugi, somberly.
"Why am I always scared when you say that?" said Clive.
Because Yugi is supposed to be a godly repository of knowledge in this story and any gap in his knowledge is a cause for alarm?
"And now," said Jackie, "I use THIS!" She took one of her facedown cards and held it high. The green borders identified it as a Spell Card, but it was the strangest Spell Card they had ever seen. The picture looked sort of like… a demon dressed like a chef!
"What the?" said Mary.
"This is the Hamburger Recipe Ritual!" said Jackie. "I place it down, and I offer Griggle, Bio Plant, and Battle Steer as sacrifice!"
Those actually ARE the required monsters for the ritual in Duelist of the Roses and Forbidden Memories. This is the first time Brian Corvello's gotten that part of things right.
As she put it down, the demon on the card appeared, in giant form. It produced two spatulas, and started flipping the three monsters like hamburger patties! Then it all disappeared, and a rumble was heard.
That's the lamest ritual animation I could possibly think of for this. Seriously, just flipping them? No flamebroiling, no skillets, no heat?
"The offering has been accepted…" said Jackie.
A hook on a chain swung down, catching her through the chest, and a grill appeared from nowhere. As she struggled, the flames shot up, and the chef prepared his knife, other hand raking the coals...
"What the heck has she summoned?" said Clive.
A huge frying pan appeared, and it gave a flip – and out of it, a giant hamburger with a huge fanged mouth appeared! (2,000/1,850)
"THE HUNGRY BURGER!" yelled Jackie. "Homicidal, hold the pickle!"
Ronald McDonald's soul card! Everybody run!
"Okay," said Clive, "this is creepy."
"Yeah," said Peter, "but it makes a good photo."
Peter, step out of your character for one second and be a PERSON.
"And I'm not done!" said Jackie. "It's time for a change of terrain!" She picked up her other facedown card – it bore the picture of a purple book with a rainbow on it.
"A Toon World Card!" said Yugi in shock.
"That's right!" said Jackie. "Magic come near, Toon World appear!"
She placed down the card, and Blam! Bang! Zap! the grid was transformed into a huge open book, and cartoonish buildings and trees popped out of it!
"That card is one of the rarest and most lethal Field Cards in existence," said Yugi, "even after it was altered and made into a Field Spell Card for distribution after my father's tournament. I once saw one for sale at a convention for two-hundred dollars."
Yeah, that's about all the explanation we're going to get for this massive pile of bullshit. The rules for the Toon World Field in this story are so inconsistent that it's not even worth trying to keep them straight. Let's follow them and see how they twist and turn!
"You see," said Jackie, "the Hungry Burger is one of the select few Monsters that gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World terrain – as you can see, its numbers are rising!"
And they were – its numbers increased to 2,500 over 2,350!
"However," said Jackie, "this Field is a liability to most other monsters, including all three of the ones you have now!"
It was true. At that moment, Mary's Hero of the East sank to 600 over 500, her Battle Ox to 1,200 over 500, and her Hunter Spider to 1,100 over 900.
At this point, the rule amounts to "Silly monsters get +500/+500, nonsilly monsters get -500/-500". A giant hamburger fits into the "silly" category.
"Now," said Jackie, "Hungry Burger, attack Hero of the East! Burger bite attack!" The monstrous sandwich lunged at the Warrior and bit him in two! Mary's Life Points fell sharply, all the way down to a mere 100!
Aww, no "food that bites back" joke?
"Man, what is Mary gonna do?" said Clive. "As long as Toon World is there, she's got nothing that can stand up to that monstrosity!"
"Have hope, people," said Yugi. "If Mary doesn't panic, there IS something she can do. Believe in the Heart of the Cards."
"And authorial favoritism."
"Why don't you just give up now, little girl," said Jackie. "One more successful attack, and I can just stick a fork in you – you're done!" Then she thought to herself, yeah, that's the right way to talk. I'm getting the hang of this!
"I can get a job at 4Kids if this doesn't work out!"
"It ain't over till the fat lady sings!" said Mary. "I'll shift my Battle Ox to Defense Mode, and then use my facedown card – Red Medicine!"
She placed down the card, and the vial of the red hearing elixir appeared, bringing her Life Points up to 600.
"Fortunately, Spell Cards still have full effect in Toon World." she said. "Now do your worst!" she said.
Fuck, someone scratched the record.
"'Kay," said Jackie. "Hungry Burger, attack Battle Ox!" The Burger lunged at the Beast-Warrior and chewed it apart.
"Your move," she casually said.
Needless adjective is needless.
Mary drew. Now this is my lucky day, she thought.
"I'll just use another healing Spell Card," she said. "Mooyan Curry!"
She placed the card down, and the odd gravy boat appeared, pouring onto the grid. Mary's Life Points went up to 800.
"Your turn again," said Mary.
No food comments from Jackie? Not even a "What the hell is curry doing in a gravy boat"?
Hungry Burger kills Hunter Spider, and Jackie makes a meaningless taunt.
Mary looked at her hand. She's right, she thought. I've got to go on the offensive. I've got part of the solution, but I've got to draw the right card before I dare play this one. C'mon Heart of the Cards, do your stuff!
She drew… and smiled.
"God, I love it when I can cheat on the author's dime!"
"I'll first play a card facedown," she said. "Now, have your Burger take a good look at THIS Monster! Dream Clown, in Attack Mode!
The thin, clownish jester appeared on the grid. (1,200/900) His stats dropped to 700 over 400.
First of all, his name is Dream Clown. I think it's a given he's "clownish". Secondly, how is it that a CLOWN doesn't qualify as "silly" and thus doesn't get a benefit from Toon World?
But then the Dream Clown opened his eyes; they glowed, and he starred at the Hungry Burger!
"My… my Hungry Burger is hypnotized!" gasped Jackie.
"That's right!" said Jackie. "The Toon World may weaken most Monsters' stats, but their extra effects remain in place. My Dream Clown has spellbound that overgrown piece of junk food! And it's your move."
That isn't how Dream Clown works in the real game at all. Fucking Dream Clown. How does IT work?
Got to get rid of that Clown, thought Jackie, drawing. Aha!
"I summon the Fiend Fowl, in Attack Mode!" she yelled, laying a card down. A huge demented chicken appeared on the grid and squawked. (1,400/1,000)
"Ugh," said Mary, "that's even worse than the Burger!"
"This guy might look like something from an old Gary Larson comic strip," said Jackie, "but he also gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World!" And as she said that, its stats went up to 1,900 over 1,500.
"Fiend Fowl," commanded Jackie, "attack Dream Clown with piercing peck attack!"
In the created card section for this chapter, Brian gives Fiend Fowl's rules as those of a Toon Type A. A Toon Type A is a "classic" Toon monster - the sort that Pegasus used in Duelist Kingdom. The first rule for a Toon Type A is that it can't attack the turn it's summoned.
This means that Brian's own created monster has broken the rules. Nevermind that it's not based on a pre-existing monster, like all other Toons in the game.
The worst part? He lists it as using "updated" rules. Which means that it was likely just a "silly" monster in the original story, and thus didn't break any rules.
The huge chicken lunged forward. C'mon, thought Mary, come to papa…
At the last moment, a chain with a vise grabbed the Fowl, and it fell down with a "Buccaw!"
"Forgot I had a facedown card, did you?" said Mary. "The Bear Trap. And Traps are just as effective in Toon World as they are anywhere else."
And thanks to the Toon World boost, this move is just as incorrect as it was anywhere else in this story.
Jackie's Life Points fell to 1,175.
"Fine, make your move," said Jackie. "You used your Trap - my next Monster will fricassee that Clown."
Mary drew. "Oh, I don't think so," she said. "I now play the Crass Clown!" She put the card down, and a fat clown in green and pink carrying a staff appeared. (1,350/1,400) His stats fell to 850 over 900.
Why does Brian insist on making cameos in his own stories?
"And what do you plan on doing with THAT goofball?" said Jackie.
"I'll show you!" said Mary.
Man, she thought, I hope Yugi was right about this…
"Crass Clown and Dream Clown… fusion!"
The two clowns stood side-by-side and began to tiptoe towards each other, fingers extended and arms cocked.
The two jesters hi-fived each other, and the magic of the fusion turned them to balls of light, which melded together. When the light took form, a small box appeared on the grid, and a sinister-looking jack-in-the-box popped out! It laughed a loony cackle.
"Bickuribox, in Attack Mode!" said Mary. (2,300/2,000)
I love this guy's theme music. Not that it has anything to do with anything, I just do.
"No! Not him, not him!" cried Jackie.
"Since you're so scared," said Mary, "you obviously know that this guy, like your Hungry Burger, gets a Field Power Bonus from being in Toon World!"
And she was right. The Bickuribox's stats rose to 2,800 over 2,500!
Given that this was one of the original Pegasus monsters, it's sensical that it would get a boost from Toon World. Even if it wasn't, it's still a "silly" monster.
"Now, Bickuribox," commanded Mary. "Annihilate that abomination! Jack-in-the-box slash attack!"
The Bickuribox produced a large scythe, cranked itself back, and then sprung out at lightning-fast speed, slashing into the Hungry Burger and demolishing it in an explosion of tomatoes, lettuce, and onions! Jackie's Life Points fell to 875.
Aww, no mention of pulling the scythe out of its mouth?
"Yahoo!" yelled Clive. "Go Mary! You got that on film, Peter?"
"You bet!"
Shut up, Peter. Just... shut up.
Yugi cautions restraint, Mary heals herself with another Red Medicine, and we're on Jackie's turn again.
Drat, thought Jackie. I don't have any more Toon monsters; so my best bet is to cut my losses and undo what I did.
"I use Burning Land!" she said, placing a Spell Card down. A stream of fire fell from the sky, and incinerated Toon World! The stats for Mary's Bickuribox fell to their normal 2,300 over 2,000.
Wow. What an incredible burst of fail. There was so much potential for description, and he sums it up in a single sentence.
"And now, I'll just play my spare Bio Plant in Defense Mode," said Jackie, "to end my move." She placed the card down, and a second Bio Plant appeared.
"Trying to stall, huh?" said Mary. "Bickuribox, attack that Bio Plant!" The Bickuribox sprang forward again, and sliced the Bio Plant apart.
"You like to cook so much, Jackie, don't you?" said Mary. "Well why don't I cook YOU! I play the Hinotama!" She put the card down; flames erupted on Jackie's side, reducing her Life Points to 375.
Technically there aren't any grammar errors here, but it's still not quite sound. Mary goes from one thought (the attack) to another (the Hinotama). There should be some note that distinguishes this is the case, but there isn't. It's confusing.
"Make your move," said Mary, with a smile.
Jackie drew… and grinned.
"I don't like that look," said Clive.
"It's the look of tyrants, madmen, and bad fanfic writers."
"What are you going to play now," said Mary, "a six-foot tall Philly cheesesteak with bad breath?"
Nah, just Flamin' Yawn.
"Intriguing concept," said Jackie, "but no. First, I'll do some healing of my own, with Pomegranate Juice!" She put the Spell Card down, and a pitcher of red juice appeared over her side, which then poured into a glass. Her Life Points went up to 1,175.
Useless created card count goes up! And you know, with an animation like that, she could've drunken it.
"Now, here's a Monster for you," she said. "I play the Mystic Tomato, in attack Mode!" she put down the card, and a huge tomato with a fiendish face appeared. (1,400/1,100)
"Okay," said Mary. "This is REALLY getting out of hand."
"I'm not done!" said Jackie. "I'll strengthen my Tomato with Vile Germs!" She lay down the Equip, and a swarm of purple bacteria attached itself to the Mystic Tomato, covering it with spots. Its stats went up to 1,900 over 1,600.
Close, but wrong. He got its dual-stat raising right, but he's off by 200 points.
"And finally, I'll lay one card facedown," she said, putting down the card.
"You're bluffing," said Mary, "and I'm not going to fall for it. Bickuribox, turn that tomato into paste!"
No, you idiot! Turn it into sauce! Tomato paste is crap!
The Bickuribox zipped forwards again… but this time, it was stopped by a magical binding!
"I wasn't bluffing this time," said Jackie. "That facedown was Spellbinding Circle!"
The Bickuribox's stats went down to 1,700 over 1,400.
In the anime, Spellbinding Circle reduces the affected monster's stats by 700. I'll let you do the math on the mistake here.
Mary ends her turn, and Jackie kills the Bickuribox with Mystic Tomato.
"Okay," said Mary, drawing. "I summon Swamp Battleguard, in Attack Mode!" She placed the card, and the green, horned Warrior appeared. (1,800/1,500)
"And I use this Equip – Invigoration!" She lay down the card, the Battleguard started to glow, and his stats went to 2,100 over 1,200.
...You know, he got this card RIGHT only a couple chapters ago.
"Now, Swamp Battleguard, battle bash attack!" yelled Mary. The Battleguard raised his club, and smashed the Mystic Tomato to bits! Jackie's Life Points went down to 975.
"Seems like I stewed your tomato," said Jackie.
Jackie apparently attacked her own monster.
"Yes, but that measly two hundred Life Points was definitely worth it," said Jackie with a smile.
A beeping noise sounded, indicating a message on Jackie's console.
"Because," she said, picking up her deck, "due to the Mystic Tomato's destruction, I now get to reshuffle, and choose from my deck any Dark Monster with an Attack of 1,500 or less that I choose!"
She shuffled the deck and picked out a card. "And here's my choice! The Crazy Cuisinart, in Attack Mode!"
She lay the card down, and a weird Machine appeared on the grid. It looked like a huge blender with an array of mechanical knives and cleavers at its base. (1,500/2,000)
Now Brian's just REACHING.
"Ugh," said Clive. "This duel is just getting weirder and weirder."
And dumber and dumber.
"And now," said Jackie, "I Equip my Cuisinart with 7 Completed to raise its Attack power!" She placed down the Equip; a large blue "7" appeared on the front of the Machine, and its stats went up to 2,200 over 2,000.
"Now, crazy cutlery attack!" yelled Jackie. The Cuisinart's blades started spinning, and they sliced the Swamp Battleguard to chunks! Mary's Life Points fell to 1,000.
Mary fumed at having to replace her dress for the fourth time that week.
"That will conclude my move," said Jackie.
"Talk about gruesome," said Peter. "I don't think I'll take a picture of the her next move…"
I swear on Asimov's sideburns I will make Brian Corvello eat a camera one of these days.
The blender kills Kojikocy in Defense Mode.
"So, what are you going to throw out next?" said Jackie.
Mary drew. "Something that is going to bring this duel to a close," she said, placing the card down. "Behold, the Flame Swordsman, in Attack Mode!" She placed the card down, and the orange-armored warrior appeared. (1,800/1,600)
"A fat lot of good THAT will do you," said Jackie.
"I'm not playing dinosaurs!"
"It will after he gets some aid," said Mary. "First, I use this Equip – the fiery power of Salamandra!"
She put down the Equip card, and the Swordsman's blade burned with fire, and his Attack score went up to 2,500.
Then he stopped, dropped, and rolled.
"I could destroy that Cuisinart now, but I'm anxious to put you out of your misery," said Mary. "So I'm using this Equip card too – read it and weep - the magical mystical power of Megamorph!"
"What? No!" said Jackie.
Finally! Hit the count!
"WHAT? NO!" COUNT: 2
It cuts the Cuisinart's ATK in half because Jackie's got more LP, Flame Swordsman attacks, and it's over.
"Good work, Mary," said Yugi. "Even in the most bizarre of duels, the Heart of the Cards still came through for you."
"Yeah," said Mary. "And the taste of victory was never sweeter!"
Please let the food jokes be OVER.
SCENE CHANGE:
After the station had shut down, a rather depressed Jackie took the Card of Plenty out of her pocket. "I guess this is yours now," she sighed.
"Just don't tell anyone where you got it, they laugh at me enough as it is."
"Thank you," said Mary. "This will certainly be of help."
"Assuming Peter doesn't take it as a license to waste our Star Coins on hookers."
"And we'll be on our way," said Yugi. "Perhaps we'll see you again."
As they turned to leave, Jackie turned back towards her diner. "I doubt it," she mumbled, with a "march to the gallows" look on her face.
The cook was waiting for her with a garrote.
As she walked back in, the phone rang again. Twenty times more nervous than before, she picked it up.
"So, Jacqueline," said Anastasia's voice on the other end. "I saw the whole thing – that was some duel. Mary's use of the Megamorph was quite clever…"
"A cliche, but quite clever nonetheless."
"I know," said Jackie, almost sobbing. "I lost, and I had to give them the Card of Plenty. Just please, before you come here and make me into a card, let me at least call my parents and tell them…"
"Now why on Earth would I do a thing like that?" said Anastasia. "That was one of the best duels I've ever seen – I even taped it.
WaitwaitwaitwaitwaitFUCKING WAIT. She has a VCR. Hooked to her cameras. SHE HAS A VCR HOOKED TO HER-
No. NOT focusing on the plotholes. Just getting through this chapter!
Tomorrow, I'm giving you a raise."
"Huh?" said Jackie in surprise. "But I lost, and…"
"...I didn't even get Mary's cellphone number!"
"I expected you to Jacqueline
Is that anything like the Charleston?
And this was all part of a more complex plan. You've done your part well. Now you just put the cards away and continue running the diner for whatever guests that come… I don't think I'll have need of your dueling skills in the near future."
She hung up, and Jackie hung up herself, puzzled.
"Why? That dumbass setup ensured I only have to duel once."
In her lair, Anastasia started filing her nails with a long file.
Oh, goody. A feminine villain cliche.
"Losing that Card of Plenty isn't as much a setback as Jackie believes," she said, "and I'm gaining more information with every passing day. Yugi is strong, as is his protégé.
"Their ability to cheat magically is worrisome."
Their strength will make their ultimate undoing far more delicious than any entrée that Jacqueline could ever serve them…"
GODDAMNIT
She looked at a screen, and watched as the four friends walked down the path…
"It needn't be soon," she said. "I'm a patient woman…"
We'll see about that.
The created card section reveals that Crazy Cuisinart (what a stupid name...) is a "magic bullet" against Plants. Why?
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