mancalledtrue (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mancalledtrue) wrote2011-10-14 10:17 pm
mancalledtrue) wrote2011-10-14 10:17 pm
Entry tags:
Legacy of the Duelist: Chapter 5
The plot is about to start. Yay.
This one is "The Spirit Arises". Ominous foreboding is go.
It didn't take them long to make it out of the forest, following Jade's direction's. When the forest broke, they found themselves on a rocky shore, overlooking the sea.
A man in black and a Spaniard lowered their swords and glared at them.
A signpost, embedded in cement, revealed the words "WAY STATION: ONE MILE," and pointed downshore.
"Well people," said Yugi. "Let's go. Maybe we can get a hot lunch out of this."
As they walked down the shore, Clive kept looking over his shoulder. Something is wrong here, he thought to himself.
What, the desire for hot food or someone putting a sign on cement in an area that's rocky to start with?
SCENE CHANGE:
The found the way station soon enough. It was a building perched on a wooden deck, made of logs.
Wouldn't being wooden kind of imply logs are part of the construction? Or is the building made of logs instead?
They walked in, and saw that the place was part general store and part coffee shop. An old clerk was sitting behind the counter reading a magazine, but he jumped up when the group entered.
He then fumbled to get his pants back up.
"Evening folks," he said with a smile. "What can I be getting you today? I have all the common supplies… and I can make you a good mocha latte!"
"I've got some creamer for it... non-dairy..."
"Well, that would be a good treat," said Yugi. "We'll take four… and Clive can tell you anything else we need. Say, we were told that some of these places had cards for sale?"
The clerk shrugged as he went over to the coffee machine. "Heh, you should have been here half an hour ago. I had a Time Wizard for sale, but this pretty lady in green armor bought it. It wasn't the first time she was here."
"Got a good discount on it, too. Damn but is she ever flexible!"
"Huh," said Mary to Yugi. "So Jade bought a Time Wizard. Our duel must have inspired her."
The clerk put the lattes on the counter. "If you're by this way in a few days I might have something else…"
"Or I could take you back to the storeroom, see if we have anything else behind the canned turnips..."
"Hey Clive, try to get mostly canned food," said Yugi. "Stuff that doesn't spoil."
Is this a tournament or are they trying to outlast a zombie attack?
After Clive had gotten everything, the clerk totaled it up on a cash register. "Okay, twenty-four Star Coins," he said.
"Anastasia should have went with paper currency," said Yugi, counting out the coins.
Why, yes, it's perfectly sensible to use fragile, easily-copied material for your currency when you're going to be hiding it in random spots in the wilderness!
It was then that they noticed someone sitting at one of the tables in the corner – a man who would have clearly stood out in any crowd.
He was dressed in garb similar to nineteenth-century noblemen, complete with a cloak. He had a pencil-thin moustache, and slick hair. He looked like something out of a romance novel.
Out of a romance novel my ass, that's goddamn Snidely Whiplash!
"Hey," said Yugi to the clerk. "Who's that?"
"I don't know, but if his dog doesn't stop laughing I'm kicking his ass down to the shore."
"Him?" said the Clerk. "He calls himself Blackjack Phil. He's one of the tournament guests. A nice guy, but a ruthless gambler. They say he's unbeatable where games of chance are concerned. Naturally, he took up Duel Monsters as a teat of his skills in such a medium. And he's rather good – I hear he's the national champion of Great Britain."
Yugi slipped him an extra coin for the exposition.
"Really?" said Yugi, sipping his latte.
"People say that all his Monsters are the loveliest and most elegant cards in existence," said the clerk. "He thinks that to win, a Monster must be beautiful."
"Don't ask what he does with them at night."
"Maybe I'll go talk to him," said Yugi.
He went over to the table. "Mind if I join you?" he said.
"Do I LOOK like a homo? ...Don't answer that."
"But of course," said Phil. "It is awfully hard to find decent companionship in these primitive surroundings. The name is Philip Fontain, but folks call me Blackjack Phil."
"Yugi Muto Jr.," said Yugi. "I notice you have three Duel Jewels already."
"Quite," said Phil. "The two folks I've dueled so far were so crude in their fighting; they lacked the proper panache, the right savior faire needed for this type of contest. Duel Monsters requires a more subtle approach then most folk possess."
Which will become downright hilarious when we see this guy duels with the equivalent of hitting people with a blunt instrument. Like pretty much everyone else in the story.
"I was told you're quite good," said Yugi.
"Well, I'm not one to brag," said Phil, "but I do have about a ninety percent success rate. Why? Would you like to duel?"
"No, I wanted to fuck. Of COURSE I wanted to duel!"
"I like you kid," said Phil. "So I'll make you a little side wager. I happen to have discovered a little secret about our host, Miss Pegasus; if you should defeat me, I will reveal that secret to you."
"Oooo-kay," said Yugi. "And what do I have to place against that bet?"
In response, Phil pointed at Clive.
"I'll settle for thirty Star Coins."
"Agreed. Lead on."
They didn't have far to go. A dueling station was located just a few hundred yards down the beach, over a cliff-side. Below them, waves crashed.
Anastasia's goons were throwing someone into the water, weighed down with bricks. Nobody noticed because they were all too busy being suspicious of her.
As Yugi sat down on the station, he felt a strange tingle. He looked down at his Millennium Puzzle for a minute and shook his head.
"Now's not the time for a boner!"
"Okay, Yugi," said Phil. "Now let's bet Duel Jewels."
"I'll play it safe," said Yugi. "One."
"One it is," said Phil. He removed his cloak and flung it at the three spectators.
"Oof!" said Mary, catching it.
"Good God, how much porn can you stuff into one cloak?!?"
Yugi shook his head again.
"What?" said Phil.
"You're supposed to have fangirls to catch it! Can't you even get the cliches right?"
"Why don't… why don't you go first," said Yugi.
Man, he thought, something must be in the air…
Cue the Phil Collins drumbreak.
The station lit up, and the number 2,000 appeared below them both. Both of them made five draws
"I'll play a card face-down," said Phil, putting down the card, "and then I will summon the Beautiful Headhuntress in Attack Mode!" He laid the card down, and a maiden with a large cleaver appeared. (1,600/800)
She then pointed her sword at Yugi's crotch.
"Now isn't she a something?" said Phil. "Beautiful, yet deadly."
"Yeah," said Yugi. "I too will play a card face-down, and then summon the Mammoth Graveyard, in Attack Mode!" He put the cards down, and a huge elephant skeleton appeared. (1,200/800)
Random trivia: many biologists have joked that if we didn't have elephants to compare mammoth skeletons to, we'd believe them to look like giant hamsters.
I hope he takes the bait… thought Yugi.
"Huh," said Phil. "That crude dinosaur can't stand up to my Headhuntress. Beautiful Headhuntress, behead that thing with decapitating blade strike!"
The Headhuntress raised her cleaver and charged forward… but all of a sudden, her foot was ensnared by a metal vise. She screamed, tripped over, and was impaled by her own cleaver!
And you thought running with scissors was a bad idea.
"Forgot about my facedown card, did you?" said Yugi. "I set down the Bear Trap and used my Mammoth Graveyard as bait!"
HOLD IT! Bear Trap can only affect monsters of 1500 ATK or less. Brian just doesn't care about these limits, does he?
The Headhuntress disappeared and Phil's Life Points slipped to 1,600.
"Well, you are crafty, that is true," said Phil. "But it is still my turn, and I will make good use of it. I will first play this Spell Card, Cold Wave!"
"What?" said Yugi.
So close and yet so far... It doesn't quite trigger the count.
A fierce blizzard appeared over the grid, and the Mammoth Graveyard froze solid! It then shattered into shards! Yugi's Life Points dropped to 1,700.
HOLD IT! Cold Wave's effect is to prevent Magic and Trap cards on-field from activating for the turn after it's played. Apparently in Brian's warped version of Duelist Kingdom rules, cards work based on their pictures (Cold Wave's image shows a frozen apatosaur).
"Don't worry, Yugi!" said Mary. "It's just a setback!"
Well, no SHIT it's a setback!
"And as the last part of my move, I will summon the Harpie Lady, in Attack Mode." The exotic winged woman appeared on the grid. (1,300/1,400)
And sang a lovely rendition of "When I am Laid in Earth".
Yugi drew. "I play the Celtic Guardian, in Attack Mode," he said, laying the card down. The green-garbed warrior appeared, and the numbers (1,400/1,200)
And the numbers did what?
"Now you're learning," said Phil. "That is quite the handsome fellow there." His hand inched towards his facedown card.
Huh, thought Yugi. "My Celtic Guardian could defeat that Harpie Lady, but that face-down card… it's probably a Trap. Well, she can't defeat the Guardian, so I'll just wait and place one of my own...
People always fall for that in this story. And why did Yugi say all that out loud?
"No attack this turn," said Yugi. "I'll just play two cards face-down.
"That will conclude my move."
"Lovely," said Phil. "But you should have attacked me.
There it is again. Both the "You should have attacked" bullcrap and the needless splitting of a paragraph into two lines.
He picked up the facedown card. "I now play this very useful Spell Card, Dead Man's Hand!"
Suddenly a large hand appeared above the grid; it produced five playing cards, two aces and three eights.
"Dead Man's Hand?" said Yugi. "What the sam-hill is THAT?
Aside from the most overused Old West reference ever, apparently it makes teenage boys talk like grizzled prospectors.
"Well, it deducts 200 Life Points from me," said Phil, "but it deducts 500 from YOU."
The hand vanished; Phil's Life Points dropped to 1,400, and Yugi's dropped to 1,200.
Add that to the list of created cards that are utterly worthless. Why does Brian even make some of these?
"Now, then," said Phil, "I'll shift my Harpie Lady into Defense Mode, and I'll summon the Swashbuckler in Attack Mode!" He turned his card, and laid another card down; the Harpie lowered her claws, and a dashing cavalier with a plumed hat, brandishing a rapier appeared. (2,000/1,800)
Special guest star: George Hamilton.
"Now, Swashbuckler, rapier attack!" commanded Phil.
Yugi flipped over his facedown card, the Negate Attack Trap.
The Swashbuckler leapt into the air and skewered the Celtic Guardian through the chest! He gasped, fell, and vanished. Yugi's Life Points fell to 600.
"What? How?" said Yugi. "That guy got though my trap!"
"Avoiding Traps is something that the Swashbuckler does best!" said Phil.
For the first and possibly only time in the entire story, the Negate Attack cliche is kicked thoroughly in the teeth. And again we come close to the count, but don't quite set it off.
"And finally," continued Phil, "I place a card face-down."
Once again, there's no reason for this line to be its own paragraph.
What am I going to do? thought Yugi to himself. This guy is too good! If all of the competitors are like this, I'll lose for sure…
And a voice in his head said, "That's no way to think."
Yugi then had a breakdown on the duel platform and was carried away by the paramedics.
"What?" said Yugi, inside himself. "Who?"
"I never let your father give up," said the voice, "and I'm not about to let you do so either."
"I've driven duelists forward over the course of thirty years, I buggered your father, I WILL bugger you!"
Yugi froze for a moment. "Spirit of the Millennium Puzzle?" he called out to his mind.
"The one and only," came the response. "I had been dormant for many years. But I was awakened that day in the pizza parlor when the daughter of your father's old enemy invited you here. It has taken me a while, however, to reach a point where I could communicate with you.
"It's hell waking up after that long, and you CANNOT get a decent espresso in this artifact!"
"And I doubt that your suspicions are wrong. I sensed an aura of evil emitting from Anastasia like a bonfire.
The Pharaoh never had Detect Evil in canon. For the first two story arcs of the series, the Pharaoh arguably WAS evil.
Whatever her ultimate goals are, I am certain that they are not benign.
"They may even involve... profit."
"I can help you as I helped your father so many years ago. If we merge our minds as one, we can overcome any obstacle."
"Be warned, though, you may have to wear leather."
Yugi paused. "Okay," he said. "Just remember whose body this is."
"And stay out of my mind between 6:30 and 8:00 P.M. That's Yugi Time."
A surge of energy went through him. His friends and opponent could clearly see it. The form of young Yugi Muto Jr. grew by almost a foot, his eyes narrowed, and his features became sharper.
It's a source of argument among fans whether Yugi actually changes physically when the Pharaoh takes over, or if he just acts more mature and the appearance change is only an artistic shorthand. One clue towards the latter is that when he appears at the start of GX, having grown up and abandoned the Puzzle, he looks and sounds exactly like he does when the Pharaoh's in control.
But we can forgive Brian this one, since this was written long before any evidence came into view in either direction.
"What's happening to him?" said Peter.
"My dad told me about this," said Mary. "I think Yugi has finally managed to tap the power of that Millennium Puzzle!"
"For the record, I am NOT going to be the only one who 'calms him down' afterwards!"
"Now, let's get serious!" said Yugi, in a much deeper voice. He made his draw. He grinned.
"I'll first use this Spell Card: Warrior Elimination!" he placed the card on the table. The Swashbuckler clutched his throat and fell to the floor. He vanished. Phil's Life Points slipped down to 900.
The reader's eyes glazed over.
"And now I play the Dark Magician Girl, in Attack Mode!" He placed the card down, and the attractive female wizard appeared. (2,000/1,700)
Only after a moment of embarassment did she realize she'd forgotten her underwear.
"That will end my move," said Yugi.
"Excellent strategy, young man," said Phil, drawing his cards. "But again, you should have attacked me." He picked up the facedown card. "This was actually the Elegant Egotist card, which I will use to transform my Harpie Lady into the Harpie Lady Sisters!" He placed the card down; the one Harpie Lady became three (1,950/2,100)
All three then flipped Yugi off. The effect was rather impressive.
"And now, I shift my Harpie Lady Sisters into Attack Mode," said Phil turning the card, "and I Equip them up with the Rose Whip!" He placed the Equip down, and three whips appeared in the Harpies' hands. Their stats went up to 2,250 over 2,100
HOLD IT! Rose Whip's bonus applies to DEF as well.
"Now then Ladies, whiplash attack!" The trio flew forward towards the Dark Magician Girl…
But then they were halted with a scream. They were caught on a tangle of wires!
"In all your planning and preparation," said Yugi, "you forgot that I still had a face-down card! And it was the Invisible Wire Trap! Your Swashbuckler may have been able to get around it, but your Harpies can't!"
Except that they should have. Invisible Wire, like Bear Trap, has an upper limit on what it can affect. In its case, monsters with 2000 ATK are immune - and it looks at current ATK, not base.
The wires sliced the Harpies apart, and they vanished. Phil's Life Points went down to 338.
"A most ingenious ploy, I must admit," said Phil. "Well, I'll finish my move by playing the Flower Wolf in Defense Mode."
He placed the card down, and a wolf covered with flowers appeared. (1,800/1,400)
This was a predator... now it's got nothing but flowers...
Yugi drew. "Very well," he said. "Dark Magician Girl, attack Flower Wolf! Dark magic attack!" The Girl twirled her baton, and blasted the Wolf out of existence.
"And I'll use my Gift of the Mystical Elf card to give my Life Points a boost!" he said.
He put the Spell Card down, and the Mystical Elf appeared, she chanted and vanished, bringing Yugi's Life Points up to 1,600.
HOLD IT! Gift of the Mystical Elf is a trap that gives you 300 Life Points per Monster on your field. It is NOT Dian Keto the Cure Master.
"That's all I can do for my move," said Yugi. "Your turn."
Phil drew his cards. "Ah," he said. "And now for the coup de grace. I am now going to play every gambler's favorite monster; I play the Slot Machine, in attack mode!"
He placed the card down, and the monstrous robotic one-armed bandit appeared on the grid. Yugi's friend's gasped. (2,000/2,300)
Even worse, it was a penny slot.
"But that's not all," said Phil. "I'll use this Seven Completed Equip card to increase the Slot Machine's Attack score!"
He put the card down, and the central slot of the Machine turned to a "7." Its stats changed to 2,700 over 2,300.
The other two slots were a cherry and the Cowardly Lion.
"Now, Slot Machine, photon cannon attack!" The machine fired its guns, and vaporized Dark Magician Girl! Yugi's Life Points fell to 900.
"That is the end of my turn," said Phil.
Yugi spoke out loud in his mind again. "Now what do I do?" he asked the Spirit. "I don't have any cards that can beat that thing."
"Relax your leg muscles, bend forward, and kiss your ass goodbye."
"If a foe is more powerful than you, you must simply outsmart him," said the Spirit. "There is a card in your deck that can solve this problem… lull him into a false sense of power and play weak Monsters in Defense until you draw it."
Goddamn it, not another stalling section.
"Okay," said Yugi out loud, as he drew. "I'll play… the Bean Warrior in Defense Mode." He placed the card down, and the humanoid lima bean with a sword appeared. (1,400/1,300)
No such thing. He means Bean Soldier.
"That's my turn," said Yugi.
"And this is mine," said Phil. "Slot Machine, attack!" The Slot Machine obliterated the Bean Warrior.
"We can do this until you run out of Monsters, or you give up," said Phil. "But either way that is the end of my move."
Cue fate kicking Phil in the balls in five, four...
Yugi drew. "Not so fast fellah," he said. "Now that I have no monsters on the field, it is the perfect opportunity to play the card I've been saving for a special occasion." He placed the Spell Card down. "I play the Dark Hole!"
"The what?" said Phil.
I refuse to believe that even in anime continuty, where card availability is different, the champion of England hasn't heard of Dark Hole.
"The most destructive force in all Duel Monsters," said Yugi. "When played, this card wipes out all Monsters on the field… but seeing as I have none out, it will only harm you!"
All of a sudden, thunder rumbled, and the sun went out! A swirling maelstrom of dark energy appeared in the center of the grid, and the Slot Machine was slowly eroded into nothingness! The Dark Hole vanished in a burst, and Phil's Life Points went down to zero. The word "WINNER" appeared on Yugi's side.
Huh. A crappy description by most standards, and could have done without the exclamation points, but this is by far the best we've gotten out of Brian so far. I like the added touch of the sun going out.
Mary and Peter cheered. Clive looked over his shoulder. "Excuse me for a minute guys, he said, and walked back towards the shop.
He said all that? Not sure why he bothered.
"Well, I can't admire your finesse," said Phil, "but you nonetheless got the job done. Congratulations."
Can't say much for yours, either.
In Yugi's mind, he spoke to the Spirit of the Puzzle.
"I hope I can count on you for help from now on," he said.
"Yes," said the Spirit. "Whatever evil plan Anastasia is plotting, she will not succeed."
"We'll crush her, strangle her, kill her, and snuff out her soul, in the name of GOOD!"
Yugi reverted back to normal. "Hey guys, where's Clive?" he asked.
Drinking shots with Perry.
"I'll tell you where I was," said Clive's voice.
They turned around, and saw Clive dragging a man in a trench coat with him.
"John Constantine was digging through our stuff!"
"I was catching the guy who was following us!"
"Hey, watch the hair buddy!" said the scared man.
"ATTENTION DUELISTS! I will NOT tolerate shenanigans towards my hair!"
"Spit it out!" said Clive. "Why the interest in us all of a sudden?"
"Well, I uh, I uh," he started.
Yugi noticed something under the man's jacket. He reached into it and pulled out a notebook.
"He whose name is written in this note shall die?"
"Hey!" said the man.
Yugi looked through it. "He's been taking step-by-step notes of all three of our duels," said Yugi. "And when I skim further… he's also been thinking up 'possible counter-strategies' against ours!"
"Why?" said Clive.
"I'm just an employee!" said the man. "I do what Miss Pegasus tells me too!"
Literally taken, he basically just said the notebook's his own idea and he does other jobs for Miss Pegasus. This is why you have to be careful when you use homonyms.
"Hmm," said Blackjack Phil. "While it is not cheating in the truest sense of the term, I cannot help but feel that you are engaged in some dishonest practices against this young duelist."
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Yugi took the notebook and threw it over the cliff into the sea. "That's going to be YOU if we ever catch you following us again. Now you can go tell Anastasia that it didn't work!"
The man ran away, in a panic.
Can't blame him. Our heroes just threatened to kill a man.
"Well," said Phil. "I guess I owe you this." He handed the Jewel to Yugi.
"And the other thing you wagered?" asked Yugi.
"Eh? Oh yes, the secret I learned about our host. Well, I learned that she suffers from irrational ophidophobia."
"And yet she still wears snakeskin shoes."
Mary gives us the definition (fear of snakes).
"Right," said Phil, looking through his cards. "So if anyone were to play her and use a Monster like, say, the Giant Red Seasnake," he held out the vicious looking card, "it might break her concentration enough to spell victory.
HINT HINT.
Phil leaves, and the heroes follow the beach. SCENE CHANGE.
Hours later, the man who had been following them was in the presence of his boss, and she was not pleased…
She was horny.
"You IDIOT!" yelled Anastasia. "You've always been so good at following people, Nacht how in the name of Hell could you let yourself be seen?"
"Well I…" started Nacht.
"Before you answer," said Anastasia with a scowl, "you know the penalty for lying, don't you?"
"It was aliens! Aliens and dinosaurs! They chased me down to the shoreline! Swear it on my ass!"
Nacht gulped. "Well, the lad's duel was getting really exciting," he said, "and my binoculars weren't all that good, and I wanted to get a closer look, and…"
It wasn't exciting enough to risk your head on, Nacht. You deserve what's about to happen.
In a rage, Anastasia clubbed him on the head with her cane. "Of all the stupid things in this stupid world of stupid people acting STUPID, you have to be the stupidest!" she said. "It's like you're trying to enter a stupid contest but you're too stupid to fill out the stupidity forms!"
Oddly enough, this one doesn't register anything in a search. Maybe that's why I'm not laughing.
"Oww!" said Nacht. "Well, you've got all these monitors…" he said. "Can't you remember what moves he was making?"
Anastasia hit him again, and he howled. "I was having you write it down so I wouldn't HAVE to remember them!" She raised the cane again.
So the reason you went with the single dumbest possible way of spying on Yugi and company is out of sheer laziness? Please turn over your villain license.
"Wait!" said Nacht. "Don't hit me! There is some news I can tell you that you might be interested in…"
"Keep going…" she said, lowering the cane.
"They know about your fear of snakes!" "EVERYBODY knows that!" *WHACK*
"Halfway through the duel, Mr. Muto sort of changed… he got taller, his voice got deeper, and his features turned kind of… feral. If that means anything to you…"
A rage seemed to erupt inside Anastasia. "Yes, it does…" she said softly.
You know, Brian, if you were going for the "Tranquil Fury" effect, you should have said something like that. The way it's written, it just seems odd that her voice is soft when she's supposed to be angry.
She lifted her cane, and the eye on the knob started to glow with a fiery light.
"N-no!" shouted the panicked Nacht. "Not that! Please!"
Anastasia didn't answer. A flame shot up from the golden knob, and then a golden fire engulfed the henchman's body. The next second, he had disappeared.
Anastasia gestured, and a card made of gold appeared in her had. A portrait of Nacht was on it.
FAIL. We've seen what it looks like when the Millennium Eye (we all know that's what the eye is) turns someone into a card. There's a bright white light, no fire involved.
She crossed the room to a desk, opened the drawer and tossed the card into it. "You can stay in THERE until I find a job for you in KP, or garbage duty, or something you CAN'T screw up!" She slammed the drawer shut.
"I'll make you wash dishes or something!"
She returned to her monitors. "Just when I needed a spy the most, that lunkhead gets caught," she said to herself. "Yugi will be difficult to defeat now… but I never say no to a challenge…"
Umm... you have all of those monitors. Hook a VCR to one of them. PROBLEM SOLVED.
This one is "The Spirit Arises". Ominous foreboding is go.
It didn't take them long to make it out of the forest, following Jade's direction's. When the forest broke, they found themselves on a rocky shore, overlooking the sea.
A man in black and a Spaniard lowered their swords and glared at them.
A signpost, embedded in cement, revealed the words "WAY STATION: ONE MILE," and pointed downshore.
"Well people," said Yugi. "Let's go. Maybe we can get a hot lunch out of this."
As they walked down the shore, Clive kept looking over his shoulder. Something is wrong here, he thought to himself.
What, the desire for hot food or someone putting a sign on cement in an area that's rocky to start with?
SCENE CHANGE:
The found the way station soon enough. It was a building perched on a wooden deck, made of logs.
Wouldn't being wooden kind of imply logs are part of the construction? Or is the building made of logs instead?
They walked in, and saw that the place was part general store and part coffee shop. An old clerk was sitting behind the counter reading a magazine, but he jumped up when the group entered.
He then fumbled to get his pants back up.
"Evening folks," he said with a smile. "What can I be getting you today? I have all the common supplies… and I can make you a good mocha latte!"
"I've got some creamer for it... non-dairy..."
"Well, that would be a good treat," said Yugi. "We'll take four… and Clive can tell you anything else we need. Say, we were told that some of these places had cards for sale?"
The clerk shrugged as he went over to the coffee machine. "Heh, you should have been here half an hour ago. I had a Time Wizard for sale, but this pretty lady in green armor bought it. It wasn't the first time she was here."
"Got a good discount on it, too. Damn but is she ever flexible!"
"Huh," said Mary to Yugi. "So Jade bought a Time Wizard. Our duel must have inspired her."
The clerk put the lattes on the counter. "If you're by this way in a few days I might have something else…"
"Or I could take you back to the storeroom, see if we have anything else behind the canned turnips..."
"Hey Clive, try to get mostly canned food," said Yugi. "Stuff that doesn't spoil."
Is this a tournament or are they trying to outlast a zombie attack?
After Clive had gotten everything, the clerk totaled it up on a cash register. "Okay, twenty-four Star Coins," he said.
"Anastasia should have went with paper currency," said Yugi, counting out the coins.
Why, yes, it's perfectly sensible to use fragile, easily-copied material for your currency when you're going to be hiding it in random spots in the wilderness!
It was then that they noticed someone sitting at one of the tables in the corner – a man who would have clearly stood out in any crowd.
He was dressed in garb similar to nineteenth-century noblemen, complete with a cloak. He had a pencil-thin moustache, and slick hair. He looked like something out of a romance novel.
Out of a romance novel my ass, that's goddamn Snidely Whiplash!
"Hey," said Yugi to the clerk. "Who's that?"
"I don't know, but if his dog doesn't stop laughing I'm kicking his ass down to the shore."
"Him?" said the Clerk. "He calls himself Blackjack Phil. He's one of the tournament guests. A nice guy, but a ruthless gambler. They say he's unbeatable where games of chance are concerned. Naturally, he took up Duel Monsters as a teat of his skills in such a medium. And he's rather good – I hear he's the national champion of Great Britain."
Yugi slipped him an extra coin for the exposition.
"Really?" said Yugi, sipping his latte.
"People say that all his Monsters are the loveliest and most elegant cards in existence," said the clerk. "He thinks that to win, a Monster must be beautiful."
"Don't ask what he does with them at night."
"Maybe I'll go talk to him," said Yugi.
He went over to the table. "Mind if I join you?" he said.
"Do I LOOK like a homo? ...Don't answer that."
"But of course," said Phil. "It is awfully hard to find decent companionship in these primitive surroundings. The name is Philip Fontain, but folks call me Blackjack Phil."
"Yugi Muto Jr.," said Yugi. "I notice you have three Duel Jewels already."
"Quite," said Phil. "The two folks I've dueled so far were so crude in their fighting; they lacked the proper panache, the right savior faire needed for this type of contest. Duel Monsters requires a more subtle approach then most folk possess."
Which will become downright hilarious when we see this guy duels with the equivalent of hitting people with a blunt instrument. Like pretty much everyone else in the story.
"I was told you're quite good," said Yugi.
"Well, I'm not one to brag," said Phil, "but I do have about a ninety percent success rate. Why? Would you like to duel?"
"No, I wanted to fuck. Of COURSE I wanted to duel!"
"I like you kid," said Phil. "So I'll make you a little side wager. I happen to have discovered a little secret about our host, Miss Pegasus; if you should defeat me, I will reveal that secret to you."
"Oooo-kay," said Yugi. "And what do I have to place against that bet?"
In response, Phil pointed at Clive.
"I'll settle for thirty Star Coins."
"Agreed. Lead on."
They didn't have far to go. A dueling station was located just a few hundred yards down the beach, over a cliff-side. Below them, waves crashed.
Anastasia's goons were throwing someone into the water, weighed down with bricks. Nobody noticed because they were all too busy being suspicious of her.
As Yugi sat down on the station, he felt a strange tingle. He looked down at his Millennium Puzzle for a minute and shook his head.
"Now's not the time for a boner!"
"Okay, Yugi," said Phil. "Now let's bet Duel Jewels."
"I'll play it safe," said Yugi. "One."
"One it is," said Phil. He removed his cloak and flung it at the three spectators.
"Oof!" said Mary, catching it.
"Good God, how much porn can you stuff into one cloak?!?"
Yugi shook his head again.
"What?" said Phil.
"You're supposed to have fangirls to catch it! Can't you even get the cliches right?"
"Why don't… why don't you go first," said Yugi.
Man, he thought, something must be in the air…
Cue the Phil Collins drumbreak.
The station lit up, and the number 2,000 appeared below them both. Both of them made five draws
"I'll play a card face-down," said Phil, putting down the card, "and then I will summon the Beautiful Headhuntress in Attack Mode!" He laid the card down, and a maiden with a large cleaver appeared. (1,600/800)
She then pointed her sword at Yugi's crotch.
"Now isn't she a something?" said Phil. "Beautiful, yet deadly."
"Yeah," said Yugi. "I too will play a card face-down, and then summon the Mammoth Graveyard, in Attack Mode!" He put the cards down, and a huge elephant skeleton appeared. (1,200/800)
Random trivia: many biologists have joked that if we didn't have elephants to compare mammoth skeletons to, we'd believe them to look like giant hamsters.
I hope he takes the bait… thought Yugi.
"Huh," said Phil. "That crude dinosaur can't stand up to my Headhuntress. Beautiful Headhuntress, behead that thing with decapitating blade strike!"
The Headhuntress raised her cleaver and charged forward… but all of a sudden, her foot was ensnared by a metal vise. She screamed, tripped over, and was impaled by her own cleaver!
And you thought running with scissors was a bad idea.
"Forgot about my facedown card, did you?" said Yugi. "I set down the Bear Trap and used my Mammoth Graveyard as bait!"
HOLD IT! Bear Trap can only affect monsters of 1500 ATK or less. Brian just doesn't care about these limits, does he?
The Headhuntress disappeared and Phil's Life Points slipped to 1,600.
"Well, you are crafty, that is true," said Phil. "But it is still my turn, and I will make good use of it. I will first play this Spell Card, Cold Wave!"
"What?" said Yugi.
So close and yet so far... It doesn't quite trigger the count.
A fierce blizzard appeared over the grid, and the Mammoth Graveyard froze solid! It then shattered into shards! Yugi's Life Points dropped to 1,700.
HOLD IT! Cold Wave's effect is to prevent Magic and Trap cards on-field from activating for the turn after it's played. Apparently in Brian's warped version of Duelist Kingdom rules, cards work based on their pictures (Cold Wave's image shows a frozen apatosaur).
"Don't worry, Yugi!" said Mary. "It's just a setback!"
Well, no SHIT it's a setback!
"And as the last part of my move, I will summon the Harpie Lady, in Attack Mode." The exotic winged woman appeared on the grid. (1,300/1,400)
And sang a lovely rendition of "When I am Laid in Earth".
Yugi drew. "I play the Celtic Guardian, in Attack Mode," he said, laying the card down. The green-garbed warrior appeared, and the numbers (1,400/1,200)
And the numbers did what?
"Now you're learning," said Phil. "That is quite the handsome fellow there." His hand inched towards his facedown card.
Huh, thought Yugi. "My Celtic Guardian could defeat that Harpie Lady, but that face-down card… it's probably a Trap. Well, she can't defeat the Guardian, so I'll just wait and place one of my own...
People always fall for that in this story. And why did Yugi say all that out loud?
"No attack this turn," said Yugi. "I'll just play two cards face-down.
"That will conclude my move."
"Lovely," said Phil. "But you should have attacked me.
There it is again. Both the "You should have attacked" bullcrap and the needless splitting of a paragraph into two lines.
He picked up the facedown card. "I now play this very useful Spell Card, Dead Man's Hand!"
Suddenly a large hand appeared above the grid; it produced five playing cards, two aces and three eights.
"Dead Man's Hand?" said Yugi. "What the sam-hill is THAT?
Aside from the most overused Old West reference ever, apparently it makes teenage boys talk like grizzled prospectors.
"Well, it deducts 200 Life Points from me," said Phil, "but it deducts 500 from YOU."
The hand vanished; Phil's Life Points dropped to 1,400, and Yugi's dropped to 1,200.
Add that to the list of created cards that are utterly worthless. Why does Brian even make some of these?
"Now, then," said Phil, "I'll shift my Harpie Lady into Defense Mode, and I'll summon the Swashbuckler in Attack Mode!" He turned his card, and laid another card down; the Harpie lowered her claws, and a dashing cavalier with a plumed hat, brandishing a rapier appeared. (2,000/1,800)
Special guest star: George Hamilton.
"Now, Swashbuckler, rapier attack!" commanded Phil.
Yugi flipped over his facedown card, the Negate Attack Trap.
The Swashbuckler leapt into the air and skewered the Celtic Guardian through the chest! He gasped, fell, and vanished. Yugi's Life Points fell to 600.
"What? How?" said Yugi. "That guy got though my trap!"
"Avoiding Traps is something that the Swashbuckler does best!" said Phil.
For the first and possibly only time in the entire story, the Negate Attack cliche is kicked thoroughly in the teeth. And again we come close to the count, but don't quite set it off.
"And finally," continued Phil, "I place a card face-down."
Once again, there's no reason for this line to be its own paragraph.
What am I going to do? thought Yugi to himself. This guy is too good! If all of the competitors are like this, I'll lose for sure…
And a voice in his head said, "That's no way to think."
Yugi then had a breakdown on the duel platform and was carried away by the paramedics.
"What?" said Yugi, inside himself. "Who?"
"I never let your father give up," said the voice, "and I'm not about to let you do so either."
"I've driven duelists forward over the course of thirty years, I buggered your father, I WILL bugger you!"
Yugi froze for a moment. "Spirit of the Millennium Puzzle?" he called out to his mind.
"The one and only," came the response. "I had been dormant for many years. But I was awakened that day in the pizza parlor when the daughter of your father's old enemy invited you here. It has taken me a while, however, to reach a point where I could communicate with you.
"It's hell waking up after that long, and you CANNOT get a decent espresso in this artifact!"
"And I doubt that your suspicions are wrong. I sensed an aura of evil emitting from Anastasia like a bonfire.
The Pharaoh never had Detect Evil in canon. For the first two story arcs of the series, the Pharaoh arguably WAS evil.
Whatever her ultimate goals are, I am certain that they are not benign.
"They may even involve... profit."
"I can help you as I helped your father so many years ago. If we merge our minds as one, we can overcome any obstacle."
"Be warned, though, you may have to wear leather."
Yugi paused. "Okay," he said. "Just remember whose body this is."
"And stay out of my mind between 6:30 and 8:00 P.M. That's Yugi Time."
A surge of energy went through him. His friends and opponent could clearly see it. The form of young Yugi Muto Jr. grew by almost a foot, his eyes narrowed, and his features became sharper.
It's a source of argument among fans whether Yugi actually changes physically when the Pharaoh takes over, or if he just acts more mature and the appearance change is only an artistic shorthand. One clue towards the latter is that when he appears at the start of GX, having grown up and abandoned the Puzzle, he looks and sounds exactly like he does when the Pharaoh's in control.
But we can forgive Brian this one, since this was written long before any evidence came into view in either direction.
"What's happening to him?" said Peter.
"My dad told me about this," said Mary. "I think Yugi has finally managed to tap the power of that Millennium Puzzle!"
"For the record, I am NOT going to be the only one who 'calms him down' afterwards!"
"Now, let's get serious!" said Yugi, in a much deeper voice. He made his draw. He grinned.
"I'll first use this Spell Card: Warrior Elimination!" he placed the card on the table. The Swashbuckler clutched his throat and fell to the floor. He vanished. Phil's Life Points slipped down to 900.
The reader's eyes glazed over.
"And now I play the Dark Magician Girl, in Attack Mode!" He placed the card down, and the attractive female wizard appeared. (2,000/1,700)
Only after a moment of embarassment did she realize she'd forgotten her underwear.
"That will end my move," said Yugi.
"Excellent strategy, young man," said Phil, drawing his cards. "But again, you should have attacked me." He picked up the facedown card. "This was actually the Elegant Egotist card, which I will use to transform my Harpie Lady into the Harpie Lady Sisters!" He placed the card down; the one Harpie Lady became three (1,950/2,100)
All three then flipped Yugi off. The effect was rather impressive.
"And now, I shift my Harpie Lady Sisters into Attack Mode," said Phil turning the card, "and I Equip them up with the Rose Whip!" He placed the Equip down, and three whips appeared in the Harpies' hands. Their stats went up to 2,250 over 2,100
HOLD IT! Rose Whip's bonus applies to DEF as well.
"Now then Ladies, whiplash attack!" The trio flew forward towards the Dark Magician Girl…
But then they were halted with a scream. They were caught on a tangle of wires!
"In all your planning and preparation," said Yugi, "you forgot that I still had a face-down card! And it was the Invisible Wire Trap! Your Swashbuckler may have been able to get around it, but your Harpies can't!"
Except that they should have. Invisible Wire, like Bear Trap, has an upper limit on what it can affect. In its case, monsters with 2000 ATK are immune - and it looks at current ATK, not base.
The wires sliced the Harpies apart, and they vanished. Phil's Life Points went down to 338.
"A most ingenious ploy, I must admit," said Phil. "Well, I'll finish my move by playing the Flower Wolf in Defense Mode."
He placed the card down, and a wolf covered with flowers appeared. (1,800/1,400)
This was a predator... now it's got nothing but flowers...
Yugi drew. "Very well," he said. "Dark Magician Girl, attack Flower Wolf! Dark magic attack!" The Girl twirled her baton, and blasted the Wolf out of existence.
"And I'll use my Gift of the Mystical Elf card to give my Life Points a boost!" he said.
He put the Spell Card down, and the Mystical Elf appeared, she chanted and vanished, bringing Yugi's Life Points up to 1,600.
HOLD IT! Gift of the Mystical Elf is a trap that gives you 300 Life Points per Monster on your field. It is NOT Dian Keto the Cure Master.
"That's all I can do for my move," said Yugi. "Your turn."
Phil drew his cards. "Ah," he said. "And now for the coup de grace. I am now going to play every gambler's favorite monster; I play the Slot Machine, in attack mode!"
He placed the card down, and the monstrous robotic one-armed bandit appeared on the grid. Yugi's friend's gasped. (2,000/2,300)
Even worse, it was a penny slot.
"But that's not all," said Phil. "I'll use this Seven Completed Equip card to increase the Slot Machine's Attack score!"
He put the card down, and the central slot of the Machine turned to a "7." Its stats changed to 2,700 over 2,300.
The other two slots were a cherry and the Cowardly Lion.
"Now, Slot Machine, photon cannon attack!" The machine fired its guns, and vaporized Dark Magician Girl! Yugi's Life Points fell to 900.
"That is the end of my turn," said Phil.
Yugi spoke out loud in his mind again. "Now what do I do?" he asked the Spirit. "I don't have any cards that can beat that thing."
"Relax your leg muscles, bend forward, and kiss your ass goodbye."
"If a foe is more powerful than you, you must simply outsmart him," said the Spirit. "There is a card in your deck that can solve this problem… lull him into a false sense of power and play weak Monsters in Defense until you draw it."
Goddamn it, not another stalling section.
"Okay," said Yugi out loud, as he drew. "I'll play… the Bean Warrior in Defense Mode." He placed the card down, and the humanoid lima bean with a sword appeared. (1,400/1,300)
No such thing. He means Bean Soldier.
"That's my turn," said Yugi.
"And this is mine," said Phil. "Slot Machine, attack!" The Slot Machine obliterated the Bean Warrior.
"We can do this until you run out of Monsters, or you give up," said Phil. "But either way that is the end of my move."
Cue fate kicking Phil in the balls in five, four...
Yugi drew. "Not so fast fellah," he said. "Now that I have no monsters on the field, it is the perfect opportunity to play the card I've been saving for a special occasion." He placed the Spell Card down. "I play the Dark Hole!"
"The what?" said Phil.
I refuse to believe that even in anime continuty, where card availability is different, the champion of England hasn't heard of Dark Hole.
"The most destructive force in all Duel Monsters," said Yugi. "When played, this card wipes out all Monsters on the field… but seeing as I have none out, it will only harm you!"
All of a sudden, thunder rumbled, and the sun went out! A swirling maelstrom of dark energy appeared in the center of the grid, and the Slot Machine was slowly eroded into nothingness! The Dark Hole vanished in a burst, and Phil's Life Points went down to zero. The word "WINNER" appeared on Yugi's side.
Huh. A crappy description by most standards, and could have done without the exclamation points, but this is by far the best we've gotten out of Brian so far. I like the added touch of the sun going out.
Mary and Peter cheered. Clive looked over his shoulder. "Excuse me for a minute guys, he said, and walked back towards the shop.
He said all that? Not sure why he bothered.
"Well, I can't admire your finesse," said Phil, "but you nonetheless got the job done. Congratulations."
Can't say much for yours, either.
In Yugi's mind, he spoke to the Spirit of the Puzzle.
"I hope I can count on you for help from now on," he said.
"Yes," said the Spirit. "Whatever evil plan Anastasia is plotting, she will not succeed."
"We'll crush her, strangle her, kill her, and snuff out her soul, in the name of GOOD!"
Yugi reverted back to normal. "Hey guys, where's Clive?" he asked.
Drinking shots with Perry.
"I'll tell you where I was," said Clive's voice.
They turned around, and saw Clive dragging a man in a trench coat with him.
"John Constantine was digging through our stuff!"
"I was catching the guy who was following us!"
"Hey, watch the hair buddy!" said the scared man.
"ATTENTION DUELISTS! I will NOT tolerate shenanigans towards my hair!"
"Spit it out!" said Clive. "Why the interest in us all of a sudden?"
"Well, I uh, I uh," he started.
Yugi noticed something under the man's jacket. He reached into it and pulled out a notebook.
"He whose name is written in this note shall die?"
"Hey!" said the man.
Yugi looked through it. "He's been taking step-by-step notes of all three of our duels," said Yugi. "And when I skim further… he's also been thinking up 'possible counter-strategies' against ours!"
"Why?" said Clive.
"I'm just an employee!" said the man. "I do what Miss Pegasus tells me too!"
Literally taken, he basically just said the notebook's his own idea and he does other jobs for Miss Pegasus. This is why you have to be careful when you use homonyms.
"Hmm," said Blackjack Phil. "While it is not cheating in the truest sense of the term, I cannot help but feel that you are engaged in some dishonest practices against this young duelist."
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Yugi took the notebook and threw it over the cliff into the sea. "That's going to be YOU if we ever catch you following us again. Now you can go tell Anastasia that it didn't work!"
The man ran away, in a panic.
Can't blame him. Our heroes just threatened to kill a man.
"Well," said Phil. "I guess I owe you this." He handed the Jewel to Yugi.
"And the other thing you wagered?" asked Yugi.
"Eh? Oh yes, the secret I learned about our host. Well, I learned that she suffers from irrational ophidophobia."
"And yet she still wears snakeskin shoes."
Mary gives us the definition (fear of snakes).
"Right," said Phil, looking through his cards. "So if anyone were to play her and use a Monster like, say, the Giant Red Seasnake," he held out the vicious looking card, "it might break her concentration enough to spell victory.
HINT HINT.
Phil leaves, and the heroes follow the beach. SCENE CHANGE.
Hours later, the man who had been following them was in the presence of his boss, and she was not pleased…
She was horny.
"You IDIOT!" yelled Anastasia. "You've always been so good at following people, Nacht how in the name of Hell could you let yourself be seen?"
"Well I…" started Nacht.
"Before you answer," said Anastasia with a scowl, "you know the penalty for lying, don't you?"
"It was aliens! Aliens and dinosaurs! They chased me down to the shoreline! Swear it on my ass!"
Nacht gulped. "Well, the lad's duel was getting really exciting," he said, "and my binoculars weren't all that good, and I wanted to get a closer look, and…"
It wasn't exciting enough to risk your head on, Nacht. You deserve what's about to happen.
In a rage, Anastasia clubbed him on the head with her cane. "Of all the stupid things in this stupid world of stupid people acting STUPID, you have to be the stupidest!" she said. "It's like you're trying to enter a stupid contest but you're too stupid to fill out the stupidity forms!"
Oddly enough, this one doesn't register anything in a search. Maybe that's why I'm not laughing.
"Oww!" said Nacht. "Well, you've got all these monitors…" he said. "Can't you remember what moves he was making?"
Anastasia hit him again, and he howled. "I was having you write it down so I wouldn't HAVE to remember them!" She raised the cane again.
So the reason you went with the single dumbest possible way of spying on Yugi and company is out of sheer laziness? Please turn over your villain license.
"Wait!" said Nacht. "Don't hit me! There is some news I can tell you that you might be interested in…"
"Keep going…" she said, lowering the cane.
"They know about your fear of snakes!" "EVERYBODY knows that!" *WHACK*
"Halfway through the duel, Mr. Muto sort of changed… he got taller, his voice got deeper, and his features turned kind of… feral. If that means anything to you…"
A rage seemed to erupt inside Anastasia. "Yes, it does…" she said softly.
You know, Brian, if you were going for the "Tranquil Fury" effect, you should have said something like that. The way it's written, it just seems odd that her voice is soft when she's supposed to be angry.
She lifted her cane, and the eye on the knob started to glow with a fiery light.
"N-no!" shouted the panicked Nacht. "Not that! Please!"
Anastasia didn't answer. A flame shot up from the golden knob, and then a golden fire engulfed the henchman's body. The next second, he had disappeared.
Anastasia gestured, and a card made of gold appeared in her had. A portrait of Nacht was on it.
FAIL. We've seen what it looks like when the Millennium Eye (we all know that's what the eye is) turns someone into a card. There's a bright white light, no fire involved.
She crossed the room to a desk, opened the drawer and tossed the card into it. "You can stay in THERE until I find a job for you in KP, or garbage duty, or something you CAN'T screw up!" She slammed the drawer shut.
"I'll make you wash dishes or something!"
She returned to her monitors. "Just when I needed a spy the most, that lunkhead gets caught," she said to herself. "Yugi will be difficult to defeat now… but I never say no to a challenge…"
Umm... you have all of those monitors. Hook a VCR to one of them. PROBLEM SOLVED.